My family... is it me

[Louisetopaz21]

I have always had issues with my parents from being a child with me being a scapegoat child where I was seen as the worst child on the world and my sister was the golden child. I was thrown out of home when I was 16 for something that did not even deserve that level of punishment and it would be too outing, but think getting a tattoo. I have never lived at home since but managed to kind of have a relationship with my family. I have since had my own family and have done well without any help to forge myself a professional career where I get paid well and own my house.

Me and my sister have had a fall out and I am unable to forgive her for some of the nasty things she has said. Some other family members, also were very cross with her due to her behaviour towards them. I have had intensive therapy over the last year where I have been able to make peace with my childhood.

I attended a funeral which me and my dh were late to, got stuck in traffic due to a road accident. We sat at the back of the church not to disturb the ceremony. I did not notice my sister, let's call her Jane who I have fallen out with and Lisa my other sister. I acknowledged my dad. After the ceremony I went to speak to family members whilst my DH went outside for fresh air. When I glanced up I saw dh talking to Lisa so went out to talk to her and must have walked past Jane who I didn't see. Jane went telling everyone she was hurt as I purposely ignored her and stormed off. Cue my dad, dh and Lisa having a go at me saying I was rude and that she was upset and wants to make up. Nobody believed me that I actually didn't see her and that she could have approached me.

my dad spoke to my Dh, he hardly knows him as my parents refused to come to my wedding as we did not send them a formal invitation, we asked people in person if they wanted to come as it was very low key, and asked him to speak to me about being nice to my sister and I was causing issues with the family. Dh had a word with me after and I led to us falling out, I only found that my dad had asked him to talk to me from another family member. On top of this found out during my dh speaking with me about my family that my parents had their house on the market and was moving 180 miles away. They haven't told me.

Sorry this is long but I am furious my dad went behind my back and spoke to my dh and the bat shittery of them moving away and they have told everyone else apart from me. I do not want anything else to do with them but I am unsure if I am the unreasonable one. Thanks for listening xx

Just to clarify me and dh made up after and he apologised for getting involved and said he would support me whatever I decide.

I'm glad you have your DH to support you.
Funerals can be really difficult and often conflict comes to a head.
But also it sounds like it's not you. If that helps from a random internet stranger.

Thank you that means a lot.

The most important thing is your relationship with your dh. After that no relationship with these vile people matters.

So just begin again from here. Your family are horribly abusive to ypu snd never miss a chance to push you into the drama triangle—if you look like you might be doing well or having a minimally successful social event or relationship they will instantly—almost instinct—swarm and attempt to attack.

“I walked past my sister without greeting her” is not a federal offence. It did not require gathering suppirt, going to your father, and your father going to your dh. That is the kind of bat shit thing that happens in ver toxic families where the position of victim/rescuer/persecutor—the three points of the drama triangle—must always be occupied. The favoured members take rescuer snd victim, snd assign you the role of persecutor.

Step back and drop all of them. This is a game you can only win by refusing to play.

I agree that funerals can make people behave oddly
It seems as though the issues run deep. I would maintain a distance with them all for the preservation of your mental health

This is what my therapist told me about the drama triangle. My sister always plays the victim and my dad always sticks up for her. My Dh got drawn into it but thankfully my other family members have stuck up for me when my dad went moaning about me. Thank you I feel better about not wanting them in my life.

It does run deep and I agree with you that I need to preserve mental health xx

It’s not you, it’s them.

People from dysfunctional families end up
playing roles and your role here is scapegoat. It is not possible to have a relationship with people this disordered of thinking.

Do not have these family members in your life. Drop the rope they hold out to you and refuse to be a part of their game playing. Your h was used her by them as a flying monkey.

Your therapist is correct! They tried to draw your dh into the family toxicity and drama by confiding in him and asking him to “rescue” your sister and he fell for it (momentarily). People like your family are very good at creating crises and stampeding normal people into action. Their goal is both to “protect ” your sister snd to harm you—throwing a child out at 16 was absolutely horrible behavior. It can’t be understood or forgiven. In their universe everything must cycle around excluding you or they can’t be happy. The scapegoat is as necessary as the golden child.

Let them move away. Box up anything they have given you and drop it off for them on moving day just to make them see how little you care.

This is what makes me so upset that DH got dragged into it. Thank you xx

Thank you so much, you have helped so much reinforce what I have learnt in therapy xx