Living with fall out of disastrous life choices

[Treesinthewind]

I was listening to a podcast interview with Dr Katriona O'Sullivan who has written about growing up in poverty. She was talking about self-acceptance and therapy and how she realised all the bad decisions she'd blamed herself for were actually part of having grown up in poverty and with trauma.
But I'm from a middle-class background and have made lots of disastrous life choices and it's left me feeling like I really f**ked up the opportunity I had to have a comfortable life.

I can't regret the choices I made because they've led me to having my wonderful son, but basically I chose my late partner very badly because I wanted to "rescue" him from his own trauma and poor mental health, and ended up in an emotionally and financially abusive relationship that has destroyed my finances and my hopes of ever owning a home.

I managed to leave because he developed dangerous mental health issues which meant it wasn't safe to have our child around him, and he died a year later. He was from overseas so I don't have any support from his family and I wasn't entitled to any bereavement support benefits as we weren't married and weren't living together when he died.

My brother and sister have both married lovely spouses and bought houses with help from our parents. Meanwhile our parents had to remortgage to help me pay off the horrendous debt my ex got me into and I'm still paying it back.

I can only work part-time and well "below" my education and ability because I'm a 100% solo parent of a child with trauma/separation anxiety/possible neurodivergence and I've had to move back to the small town I grew up in to be close to family.
If we did yearbooks like they do in the States, I'd have been predicted "most likely to be Prime Minister or something. I was so high-achieving and I feel like I've wasted all that potential by making a bad decision when I was 25.
I used to be intelligent and driven and now my brain is totally addled by trauma, perimenopause and late-diagnosed ADHD and I can't see myself every being able to work in a high-paying profession. I also made the bad "choice" to work in the charity sector so I'm never going to make much!

Has anyone else been in a similar position? I just found out I can't even open a Lifetime ISA as I'm too old and it's hit me how financially screwed I am, and am going to be when I'm older. It feels like the only way people get out of this position is getting into another relationship and moving in together, which is not something I want to do (and absolutely definitely not while my son is still at home.)

Can really relate to this minus the ADHD. So you're not alone. Made a stupid decision to have my son at 25 with the most useless, entitled person with zero ambition. Had to set my career aside as we essentially spilt up after he was 1 and everything fell on me. Had to go on benefits which has really stopped any wealth building at all, returned to work full time last year and the burn out is insane as solo parenting and working full time is like have 2 full time jobs. If I hadn't made continuous stupid decisions such as stopping working, having child with idiot (don't regret my son but you know), should have gone back to work during covid when everything was wfh anyway etc. My car is on its last legs, our house needs doing up, my savings have dwindled to nothing. I've been really dwelling on it recently, and I've battling resentment towards anyone in my life who didn't say WTAF are you doing but instead just coo-ed at baby and turned a blind eye to their brothers bullshit. When I give advice to people now I don't sugar coat anything and just say not the be stupid. I'm glad il be able to guide my son in the future and call him out on his bs no hesitation.

I think it’s honestly ok to feel sad for your younger self. But I just want to encourage you, if I could build a career in ‘earning’ fields in my 30s there’s no reason you can’t later in life, too. Sales and marketing are good fields to earn in if you don’t have technical skills. Think about how you might pitch yourself, if there’s a field you can ‘consult’ or ‘coach’ in right now. Really. Because you sound very bright and you may have good connections from school or prior jobs who’d be happy to use your services in some way

Yes me too

Ok so you werent poor like the speaker but it doesn't mean you didn't grow up with some form of trauma or damage.

People have different experiences of the same situation because people have different internal processing of events and trauma. There are also other mitigating factors that people skim over eg poor but had a scholarship and surrounded by supportive ans ambitious people or poor in a school where you're bullied with no rolemodel. Drunk parent but amazing granny and teachers, or drunk parent and no friends and bullied at school. Trauma at 5 of age or 15. It all varies so i wouldn't compare traumas. It's enough to know you did the best you could at the time and that you take accountability for your choices now you know better. It's now your responsibility to heal and make the best of your consequences and the first step is by accepting what happened and having compassion for yourself.
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I can relate to this a bit.

My childhood trauma was my mother being so afraid of being single she put up with physical and financial abuse from my dad.

Any time I was taken to the shops for school uniform or new shoes all I could do was stare at the price tag wondering if "we" could afford it.

When people on here talk about Disney Dads I laugh because my Dad went to Disney without me to play golf with his mates.

Most of the people I grew up with from my childhood are either dead or in prison. My best friend from high school died of a drug overdose.

I guess what I'm saying is our environments and opportunities shape who we are, and life really is about the small decisions we make that eventually define us. For most of us this tends to be the partner we pick when we are in our late teens.

Look up the Pareto Principle to see what I mean.

I met my wife when I was just turning 21 and we have 2 beautiful children, life is a struggle just now with the childcare years but we have a plan.

OP you are in a great position to make positive changes for you and your child.

Stop being a supporting actor in your own movie.

Can also relate. It's tough growing up neurodiverse, and also lacking in healthy relationship models. It took me years to understand what a healthy relationship is- and also that I'm worthy of one- by which time I had 2 DC with horrible abusive men. I feel in a good place now (at 50), but the legacy of those past decisions (were they even decisions?!) is always with me.

You see so many posters on MN going "Well it's so simple- just don't have babies with a loser!" - is it? When you grow up having no idea what a loser looks like, as opposed to a "good man"? And then there are those who cleverly disguise themselves as good men, until it's too late....

I can identify with a lot of what you‘ve written but I’m sad that you’re writing yourself off. There’s still so much time to make a change. I spent my 20ies in debt with no money, really only became successful in my career around age 35 and became a single homeowner at age 37, all by myself. I had my son at 39 but I feel like I’ve already lived a lifetime (of shit) before then. Please don’t be so harsh on yourself.

I can totally relate! I feel like a fraud a lot of the time, in so much as I feel as though I am impersonating a human and definitely an adult. I had a significant childhood traumatic event, which people tend to understand would cause me to feel traumatised, but actually I always felt different even before that. I am almost certainly ND, but when there's trauma involved it can be tricky to pick apart. I present pretty ADHD. Bullied badly for bit by 'friends' and non friends, held my balance somehow and it turned around, then became very 'popular' - but you never forget it. Several long term toxic relationships and my STBexH also suffered mental health problems that escalated into a breakdown in the home. We separated 3 years ago now and I have avoided men since, feel huge relief and joy to be free. I feel as I thought I have woken up, smelled the coffee for the first time in my life and am standing around thinking - how the hell did I get here? Like I just landed.
Also perimenopausal - perhaps this is when it hits us?
I have squandered so many amazing opportunities due to my fixation with the wrong partners and my poor kids have also had to see me try and fail in these long term relationships with crap father figures. Thankfully kids are amazing young adults now and our relationships are great - I am thankful every day for them, but I still feel so stupid and so guilty. As it stands I will be a very poor old lady with a lot of crazy memories, as my STBXH ripped me off financially too. It is shite, but like another poster said - life's not done yet - we have time to make something new. We have to!

Thank you so much to everyone who has replied and shared their experience. Lots for me to think about about and try and act on!