Missing the good parts

[thebluehen]

I left my partner of 16 years, 6 weeks ago.

I have given up my home (a beautiful house that came with his job), his family that became my family because I dont have any (all deceased). His 4 kids. Most of my furniture etc as it just wouldn't fit. Our friends (because they were his friends before we met).

He was controlling and what pushed me to leave was his unkindness and unfairness towards my only child, my adult son who came to live back at home. He was forced out. I love my son so much and I love the relationship we can have now without my partner around (son doesn't live with me).

The trouble is my partner is wanting to try and have a relationship but live apart. If my life felt better in other ways, I would probably just walk away but I just feel so very lonely.

I do have hobbies and a few friends but I work from home and my contact with others is very minimal. Half an hour here and there. Maybe a couple of hours now and again. One friend is particularly scathing about me having contact with my "ex" but she lives in the next street and I've only seen her twice in 6 weeks despite trying quite a few times and often being let down at the last minute. .

I am doing things to try and build my friendships, looking to get some different work that is more "people facing", but I am not sure if it can fill this massive void I feel.

Of course I am hearing from him how busy and full his life still is and I am jealous, if I'm honest.

I'm sure I just need time to adjust but right now I'm feeling very alone and just so sad that he has done this to me. On one hand I hate him for doing this to me but on the other hand I miss our life together.

Well done for moving on from this controlling man, and choosing your son. Of course you miss your old life, and think about how it could have been, that’s normal. But keep moving forward. The best thing a person can do is learn to be ok being alone, because company is not guaranteed.

If anyone was unkind to my baby regardless of how old my baby was they could fuck off and then fuck off some more.

I would give a shit how busy they were.

Sounds like it's just one big game to him and he wants to keep you as a piece on the board. You can make it real easy for him by fitting in and giving him sex when he feels like. He can be a twat to your son and still you pine after time with him

Screw that.

I don't think staying in contact with your ex is sensible, your friend is right.

How do you expect to move on if you're still engaging with him?

My friend has a family and a daughter that lives with her.

I am sat on my own constantly.

It's easy to say "don't see him".

I just don't know how I am ever going to come to terms with being alone like this. It's so different and so empty.

You made the decision to leave him for a reason.
Remind yourself what those reasons were.
Loneliness isn't great, but it's temporary. You've only been single for 6 weeks after being in a relationship for so long, and building your entire social network around him. His family, his friends. It takes time to rebuild your own network. But it will happen.

The road you're on, is a road to happiness. A year from now, maybe two, you'll have met other single women in your area, met new neighbours, found new hobbies, maybe even met someone else. Who knows? Work through the negative feelings you're having now, and they will not last.
However, get roped back in and start over with your ex. You know where that road leads to. Being controlled. Your child having to be distant from you to protect himself. This is choosing short term gain, but sacrificing your long term happiness.

But he's controlling and bad for you. That's why you broke up.

You need to bite the bullet and stop seeing him.

Yes, it's painful and lonely, but things will get better. You need to go through that part of the break up, not hang onto him.

It’s a period of withdrawal, it will end you will come out the other side. You will love having your own space and being free to do as you like. Keep yourself very very busy and go to sleep tired each night.

Firstly, hugs and well done for taking the monumentally hard step of leaving him - not only is really hard, it's very brave.

I completely understand your loneliness, I left my husband at the beginning of November (he cheated and I caught him out after reading a text msg he sent her), he was also inherently selfish, controlling and a bully, not so much in the beginning of our 26 years together but certainly in the 16 years we were married. I am lonely and dare I say, grieving and missing the man (boy) I fell in love with, I'm trying to keep reminding myself that he's no longer that boy, hasn't been for years, I deserve better, and our beautiful 6 Yr old DD deserves a better example of how women should be treated in ANY relationship.

Please be kind to yourself, doubt and loneliness are part of the process of separation, and it isn't easy - I know xx

You are mourning a life you thought you had but is gone. You have a right to feel sad, lonely etc etc. However at some point you need to dry those tears put your big girl pants on and go make a life for yourself. Join clubs, volunteer etc etc. You need to put yourself out there

It sounds like trauma bonding, tbh. I had the same and eventually got back with him - BIG mistake. He is trying to destroy my life. All I can advise is try and get some support from DV organisations and counselling - it helped me to see other women in the same boat and we created a bond.

OP, this is all very normal. You miss your old life but you've escaped a controlling bully so please don't go back. Start building a new life and look for ways to make new friends. Can you also see your son for a meal and /or walk regularly? Above all stop all contact with your ex, you wont be able to move on if he's still trying to control you. Don't give him that power!