I don't want to die but I just can't carry in like this.

[Netfye]

NC

I'm not suicidal, I would never leave my kids but I just can't cope anymore. My life feels like a living nightmare. I've had years of mental health issues, depression, anxiety, intrusive thoughts.
Alot of stuff that's happened in childhood has come back into my head the last few years so I've gone N C with my mother which is causing me guilt. I have 2 children (teens) that have been diagnosed autistic recently. One is struggling massively in school and the other left college and had a suicidal breakdown so is now at home and I worry every day I'm going to find him after an attempt :(
I'm constantly getting calls from my daughters school about her needing to come home. She self harms and had trauma as a child (cocsa)
I can't work. I'm constantly on edge
I randomly break down all day thinking I'm going to lose one of my children.

I can't ever imagine them being happy functioning people

We have involvement with camhs etc
I'm on anti depressants, had lots of counselling. Have more booked in after new years
Daughter in counselling.

Son is waiting

I'm just so tired.

I just want everyone to be safe and happy

I wish I had a time machine and I could just end my life before I had any of them :(

My son spends all his time alone
He does have online friends and goes out with them but he finds being with the family family stressful
Yesterday he was shaking the whole time he was opening his gifts.
He is on fluexotine and just doubled his dose to 40mg but he says it isn't making any difference.

It breaks my heart.

You are in a tough position but these are the cards you are dealt. And we all have had cards dealt with and been through things. Come on, cheer up and have hope.

You are not mentioning a man in your life. Is there a good man there or not

I don't have any advice sorry but I wanted to say it sounds like you are doing so much for your dc, you should be so proud of what you do

Thinking of you xxx

I'm not surprised at how you feel OP that all sounds very very tough, go easy on yourself for getting through to now. Your living in fight mode, living on adrenaline, parenting is HARD never mind parenting with your own MH struggles and your children's. I don't think people realise how hard it is to parent when your having a 'bad' day or week or month and barely trudging through.

Do you have any friends or are you in touch with any support groups with other parents in similar situations? Can you do something for you on evening a week? I play on a team where one of the ladies is in a very similar situation, it's 45mins/1hr once a week and her actual lifeline. She doesn't speak about home at all but we all know it's her time to forget and her time of the week, could you do anything like this?

Teens is a very very difficult time aswell, but most teens even with reasonably serious mental health issues will have a functioning life whatever end of the scale that is, perhaps with the occasional blip in time, perhaps with adjustments and further work but I honestly don't think this will be your life forever.

Sending hugs, you are doing a great great job x

No advice....other than don't give up doing what you're doing for them....and sending a hug

Mental health problems are the worst because there is nothing physical to see and no quick fix. Is your son in touch with the gp? Fluoxetine may not be the best match for him.
for what it’s worth a few years ago I couldn’t leave the house without having a panic attack. Fast forward four years I am now on a steady dose of fluoxetine and thriving as a band 7 job in the nhs. I couldn’t have imagined things would play out like this. It isn’t a brag I just wanted to show you things can and do change. It took antidepressants and a year of psychotherapy. Have you got support from every available agency? A social worker may be able to help too.

Are you in counselling for yourself and/or in any support groups OP?

I'm not sure i have any advice OP, but I didn't want to just read and run. Your life sounds like mine for the past 2.5 yrs, I've got a DD16 with similar struggles. I feel like its just been a blur of CAMHS appointments, suicide threats/attempts...
It just becomes a battle to survive.
I'd also recommend trying different meds, aripiprazole seems to be the thing that's worked the best for us, its turned off the cycles of dark thoughts. I'm actually starting to think things might be settling down and 2025 might be better. Not feeling in constant fight or flight mode would be nice! My only advice would be to just keep going, you're obviously very strong (I bet you wish you could have a break from being strong though).

Hi op any human being would find this hard. You don't need to 'cheer up' as a pp said, you need help.
Please Google the name of your local council and 'early help' eg 'surrey early help' and self refer - they should put you in touch with a practitioner who can support you and your family as there is help out there it can just feel overwhelming looking for it.
The young minds parent helpline might also be worth a ring.

The safeguarding lead at school might also be a good person to help you

Cheer up ? Do you have a good man ?
seriously ?
OP I am sorry to hear things are tough , no advice but empathy . I hope you are able to find the support that will look after you and your family .

Sorry to read this, it sounds so very hard. It’s good your son does go out with friends, I hope he can get some meds that stabilise him and let him start to build more of a life for himself. I can relate to the constant stress of worrying what you’re going to find when you come home/open the door of their room. Also the sadness of them dropping out of education. I have had years of holding on to hope being a hard and very deliberate decision, because things might be ok and despair is not worth the energy, although I know that’s easier said than done.

Things are better here now, most recent meds seem to be working , despite dropping out DC has held down a job for a few months ( I keep thinking’phew’) I’ve even heard them singing around the house- there is no sweeter sound.

there is good advice on the thread so I really just wanted to say I hear you. Wishing you strength and hope and a generally upwards trend for all of you in 2025.

Cheers up? Literally the most infuriating thing you can say to someone struggling with depression and mental health. Don't you think if she could just "cheer up" she would?

Have you considered that you may also be ND if your kids are? Maybe an extra reason you are struggling too. After years of fighting for an ADHD diagnosis on the NHS I went private after I was suicidal after having my baby. I'm now on the NHS asd assessment list too. I tried endless amounts of anti anxiety and anti depressant medications and none of them worked, I did a lot of research and apparently certain ones aren't as good for ND brains! I'm trying venlafexine which is apparently good for people with ADHD, maybe an idea to look up which anti depressants people with autism have found helpful for them? I find places like Reddit good to see real peoples experiences rather than going by a medication leaflet etc. I'm so sorry it's so hard and just like when it's me I know nothing I say will help. I just hope you are all ok and will be ok. Do whatever you all need to do to get through the day, sometimes that's the biggest achievement we do. I can't recommend anything specific because I have honestly hit my head against the wall for my entire life trying to access appropriate help / medication / therapy through the NHS .. I even text one of they suicide helplines and didn't hear back ... Just makes you feel like no one cares. I felt the same as you when it came to having my baby, if I knew it would be this impactful on my mental health for their sake I wouldn't have had them. Stay safe op xx

On a practical note do either of your dc get DLA or PIP?
If not it’s worth claiming, but do get advice on how to fill in the form.
Do you work? Make sure you have all the benefits you’re entitled to, you can also claim carers allowance if they get middle rate DLA/PIP or above.

I screwed a toolbox to a worktop and padlocked all medications and sharp objects in so my suicidal teenagers had no home access to things that may harm them.

I also found that accepting that this was life for now and that it wouldn’t be permanent helped.

Mine are now adults and things are vastly improved. One managed to get through school and finds that her mental health is settling now she’s in her 20s (this is a common thing due to brain development - teenage years for autistic people are notoriously tricky!), the other ended up being home educated learning life skills and employable skills and is now happily working stupidly long hours!

Ignore anyone who tells you to cheer up, they clearly have no idea what they’re talking about!

My daughters school have been fantastic. She's at 60% attendance but they just prioritise her, not the statistics.
I don't have any outside involvement and I really don't want any
We has SS involved when my daughter disclosed and it was one of the worst times of my life, one of my biggest fears is SS, so I was so relieved when they signed us off.

I get PIP and my son is currently listed as my carer so he doesn't have to attend any jobcentre appointments etc and is left alone, it was actually the JC advisor who told me to do that as it would be less stressful for him than applying for LCWRA.

I don't have anything locked away because as my son said, he can just go out and buy anything, anytime, so what's the point? Which I agree with. Also one of the suicide helpline people said that it shows some belief in him too?

I don't think the flueoxetine is helping him at all.

I don't know how long they usually put you on something before calling it quits but he has to go back in about 3 weeks to review the 40mg dose.

Hi OP, I'm really sorry life is so tough atm 💐
My DD (older than your DC but also with asd) has been really struggling with things for a long time now and has barely left her room in months, so I know how tough it is with kids with MH needs, especially when you're struggling yourself. Some days it really feels like you're drowning.
I can't believe your first reply was basically "cheer-up luv" some people are incredibly ignorant,
Stay strong.. you're doing the best you can! x

Honestly @Netfye external involvement so long as it is supportive not judgmental could really help. Where I am there are autism services that run reasonably decent parenting courses and a family support group that are a lifeline. The right kind of external support might really help you too. Would there be something like that near you?

We had to deal with a huge amount of shit thrown at us as a family but the thing that had the most impact on my children was my mental health which was utterly rock bottom for a time due to the external factors beyond my control. Stepping away from any external issues I couldn’t control and focussing on the things that were important to my family helped everything and everyone else in the family.

I doubt my son will fully function alone he has a level 2 ASD diagnosis and we have a second with a number of ND diagnosis but we don’t think or plan too long term to get as independent as can be now.

There are lots of people with autism who are living a full but supported life around where I am. They are in community musicals, theatre companies, chess clubs, card clubs, working part time. Just living life.