How to deal with troublemaker parents?

[MogsSprog]

More specifically my mother (my dad died many years ago). She's nearly in her 80s and seems to enjoy stirring up trouble.

For example - a month ago I mentioned to her that I'd be working extra days over Christmas, as my work has announced redundancies looming. Since then she's been desperate to mention to my siblings (she loves to gossip) and creates difficult situations. For example 'don't you think you need to tell your sister, as you probably won't be able to afford to go to her wedding next year when you lose your job'. My response is that I want to keep it private until confirmed, I don't want to discuss. To be clear - I was very clear with her a month ago that I didn't want to discuss with anyone, I'd only mentioned to her as I wouldn't be around much at Xmas.

She says things with the intention of riling, for example she'll complain to one adult daughter about the other, always gossiping. Or she'll sing the praises of one child and their wonderful life, knowing full well that it would be uncomfortable to the other, particularly when it's a tricky subject 'oh her baby is wonderful' when the other just had a miscarriage.

Fortunately my siblings and I are generally aware of her nonsense, though one (her favourite) seems to be her defender 🙄

Yesterday she asked me if when I'm telling my dc that I may lose my job, as they'll be upset. Obviously I'm not, as I'm hoping I won't be made redundant, if it does happen then I'll be working very hard to get another job and certainly avoiding stressing young dc about it.

My technique over the years has been to distance myself from her and tell her as little as possible. If anyone has any other pointers or suggestions much appreciated! I haven't gone completely NC due to her age and a (probably misplaced) sense of duty.

I don’t understand why you told her about the possible redundancies, you know what she’s like and there was absolutely no need to mention it to her.

Consider it a silly slip-up on your part and don’t do it again.

If she mentions it again tell her “I’m not discussing it with you mum, as you’re a terrible gossip and a bit of a shit stirrer”.

Stop telling her things.

This is my mother, to a T.
I am one of four and she plays us all off against one another. We are all constantly arguing.
Then in the next breath she says she's 'sad none of us can be in the same room as eachother'
She revels in my shortfalls and she bitches about anything I have that is positive, and turns it into a negative.
It's fucking exhausting.

i use cover stories eg yes working but its to cover christmas costs etc

Stop telling her personal information

I estranged from my mother as she’s been so nasty over the years. I don’t live easy with it but it’s so much more peaceful. She would pull me into a false sense of security and prey on whatever insecurity I had.

say it out straight to her or tell her a white lie that you got a letter saying you were safe in your job because of your work ethic. You don’t need this.

Yeah, say you've now been told there's a merger or something and the whole redundancy thing is on hold.

And in future try a Wagatha Christie style plan where you tell her fake things ('I might be going on Pointless!') and see what gets passed on to your siblings.

@PullTheBricksDown haha yeah a sibling and I tried that, the 'gossip' got through to the other one. It was a relief when we finally realised what she's like, as adults, that she enjoys pitting one again the other.

@paradisecityx sorry to hear that. I've heard similar from my mother, she is 'sad' none of us really get along or see each other much. Almost certainly due to her 'meddling' over the years. Have you found ways to stop her actions bothering you?

Cheers all. I definitely made mistake in mentioning the looming redundancies. I will tell her I'm 'safe' regardless of whether that's true and return to mentioning nothing of consequence.

I was going to say stop telling her stuff but see you've already come to that conclusion! It is hard sometimes though and things slip out and you live to regret it. It gets easier with time, habit really, but even so. I would try to yellow/grey rock.

Never help her to continue conversations about other people by asking questions/being too engaged with it without being too obvious - polite disinterest.

Pre-plan a list of neutral conversation topics so you can quickly swap to them.

Tempting as it is to compare notes/have a bonding point - avoid talking for the most part about her to your siblings. Foster a completely independent relationship IF they are people you enjoy having a relationship with.

I don't think there is anything you can do to make it completely benign and not draining at times but accepting it and managing will go a long way.

Stop telling her anything of personal importance.

In fact, I would start to create my own mischief by telling her nonsense. Just for a laugh.

Only tell her wonderful things. Never any worries or negative stuff. She will soon get bored of asking you if everything is so perfect in your life.
However I realise this doesnt take away the yearning for a genuine caring mother daughter relationship that means she supports you through hard times. That is a hard pill to swallow.

Definitely stop telling her anything real.

Make shit up, tell her, when she repeats it, deny it and be worried about dementia....in front of her.

Mess with her. She sounds awful.