I have turned to mumsnet a couple of times in the past and have received some really helpful insights and advice. I'm back again with a very long, multi layered story and so I appreciate it if you stick with me throughout.
My husband and I have been together for 17 years (married 7) and during this time lived in the UK, then overseas (2012) and back to the UK (2021). We moved back for many reasons but it was quite abrupt and driven by my husband who I don't think thought this through. I was quite ready to come home since we had two small children and i was missing my family.
Initially we moved out of the country when we were fairly young and childless but the main reason was my husbands work prospects. He was struggling to hold work in the UK.
Once we moved, the same patterns of the in and out of work cycle soon started again. I was in full time work the entire time we were away not apart from when I was on maternity. Most of the time I actually had a 2nd part time position too which was more of a passion project. And this is when the pattern of being in and out of work began again. Everything was supposed to be great...there was loads of jobs available but every single on he was fired, walked away, laid off, sabotaged. Over and over again. Bouts of unemployment took their toll on our finances of course and so staying ahead was really difficult even though I was working constantly. He loved his lifestyle but couldn't hold a job.
There have so been episodes of addiction over the years. Substance, gambling. And I believe porn/sex. Sex has been an issue in recent years for him (despite the fact we have 3 children under 8) apparently I don't want it enough, I'm not intimate....and these days I agree but I am not a robot.
The majority of the household workload is on me, including responsibility with everything that comes with having 3 young children. I love them and would do anything for them but this should be partnership and it is not. Its like I have 4 kids. I do everyone's washing, meals and household cleaning. I mean, would you want to be intimate with someone who you felt like acted like your child !! I think not.
Since returning to England I got a job (kids at that time age 4 and 5 months) and before we came back husband made all kinds of promises about work and what we could do...made it sound really exciting. As soon as we got back. Completely negative. He says... Wages not enough, pond life, its like a prison here, we need to move back overseas where there is work, excuses and reasons why he cannot work here. Constant negatively.
There have been dashes of.hope when there have been periods of steady work when I've felt positive. We had another baby (I became pregnant whilst taking the pill so don't come for me....why have another - I think all of things of myself all of the time so I know, but my baby girl brings me such joy) ...2 months after she was born, he got laid off. And they said it was restructuring but I know how he is and how he goes on. Entitled and opinionated. It rubs people the wrong way.
And now. After being on maternity leave for a year I am back at work full time with all of the same physical and mental workload at home and a husband who is so depressed about his decision to move home that he is rude, irritable, sneaking substances, short with me and the kids. He is constantly negative and sometimes if we get into an argument he flies off the handle and name calls and screams awful things within earshot of the kids (this is what I hate the most and thankfully it hasn't happened recently). Completely unwilling to commit to anything, will not entertain doing any type of job that is not perfect. This list goes on.
And so this is where I am at. Living in a tiny rental home (because his bouts of unemployment have completely swallowed all the savings we had to purchase) with my 3 kids and him currently not contributing a penny and not pulling his weight.
Why can't I find the strength to end this?! I do love him but these days the resentment is taking over. His sister and I have on multiple occasions pleaded with him to seek professional help for his mental health and addictions. Also we suspect full on ADHD. He had a trauma filled childhood with physical and emotion abuse from his father and other things like bullying. I know he has his issues. And I would never turn my back on him BUT this is MY life too. And my kids. I am 36 and I feel like I am waking up thinking....is my life going to feel like this forever. Him never happy where he is and me following on where the grass is greener for HIM? I've never been one that craved loads of money and things. I just want to be able to give my kids the things they need and have a stable life for them. Not shipped here there and everywhere when things get hard. I don't want to do this alone. But there are times I feel I already am. I worry about the impact it would have on the kids if we separated. I wonder where he would go. He has no money and I doubt his sister work take him in or his parents for that matter. They know about everything going on. Apologies reader...this is not just all of my thoughts being spewed onto the screen. I don't really have many people I can speak with about this at the moment so I do apologise for the rambling.
I feel really alone, really weak and really tired. I just want peace. 😓