Spinning out of control

[Wholenewstart]

Feeling very vulnerable and so turning to the Internet for help and advice.

I'm in a long term relationship with my parter and two little kids. Life has been very difficult over the last 5 years. Probably nothing unusual but we've felt under immense pressure.

It's had a huge impact on our relationship and there is one issue that won't go away - my partners defensiveness. It surfaces as arguments that last for hours/days before he apologises. And a constant undermining and tension. The effect on my self esteem has been immense. He's in therapy, we've had couples therapy. He's on anti depressants. He knows it's a problem but in the heat of the moment won't back down. He wants me to think about how I raise criticism, which can often be sharp, it is true. But soft or sharp, nothing changes.

So now we're in a position where I've told him I feel trapped. I'm not in a financial position to leave and don't really want to but also, who wants to be treated like that.

It all went incredibly horribly wrong the other night. Without realising, I had an incredibly strong bottle of wine. An argument started and ended with me hitting him On the legs twice, begging him to stop treating me like that, hitting myself on the head with a candle multiple times and kicking the sofa - I think I've broken a small bone.

And now I don't know what to do. I've told him if he wants to leave me because of what I've done, he can. He won't. He wants me to go to therapy - and I will - but I oniw that won't fix this underlying proble of constant defensiveness.

So I'm turning to the Internet for advice. As I don't know what to do anymore. I'm so tired. My head is a mess and I'm going under. And I can't as I have two little kids to look after.

And just to save the multiple posts (which would be justified), I'm not blaming my actions on alcohol. I in no way think the defensiveness deserves violence or is an excuse. I take violence against men as seriously as violence against women. My actions are fully mine to own. And yet I'm still saying in my head I can't take it anymore.

So please, tell me what I can do to escape.

Leave. Go to anger management. Stop blaming your partner for your actions.

If you're telling him to leave, you know that you need to leave. Take that responsibility on yourself. Staying has just led you to totally lose control. You can avoid that happening again by leaving.

Thats quite the reaction you describe, were you looking for an argument? Are you looking for a way out of your marriage that doesn’t include you walking away but waiting to be pushed?

Your post, apart from your alcohol fuelled explosion, is very vague. You appear to think that your partner is 100% to blame for the tensions in your relationship and that you have no control. What happens in your joint counselling sessions?

This is a toxic situation. Given that your partner is being cold to you and withholding emotional warmth for days at a time, which is a recognised form of emotional abuse, I think your actions fall into the category of reactive abuse. This is not to undermine your actions but just to highlight that when things are like this, the situation is truly toxic and it's time to go. The fact that your partner wants you to stay and get help is consistent with someone who is troubled by the toxicity of the situation but is happy with a dynamic where you are now conclusively in the wrong and the one needing 'help'. The fact that you were begging him for a response and in a state of desperation at the time as a result of his ongoing behaviour would also point to this being the likely dynamic at play.

Just leave. You're unhappy. You should want to go and so should he. This is an extremely poor situation for both of you and you both stand to become seriously unwell. Time to accept fault on both sides and let go, no matter how hard it feels.

No I wasn't looking for an argument. I was trying to calmly raise something that happened earlier that was upsetting (snapping at me). But I think the high volume wine (neither of us realised the strength) meant that conversation became a verbal argument which went round and round in the same old defensive pattern of denial and hostility etc.

In terms of my violent reaction, I'd say that is absolutely something within me. I've been in multiple physically abusive relationships in the past and my father was violent to me and my mother. It is hardwired in me to want to respond that way. But I don't and never have until now. And the violence against myself - again hardwired in me but rarely surfaces. It is a thought pattern I have/had under control.

I wonder if not having the flight option meant the fight response came to the surface. Don't know.

I don't think I'm looking for a way out. I want our unit to stay together. I just can't cope with it anymore. It's killing me.

Joint counselling sessions were very focused on providing him with the techniques to calmly respond to me rather than feeling like the world was ending because I'd ask him to do something etc.

Re. feeling like my partner is to blame, I think I probably do feel like that yes. Very strongly. Although it feels strange to type that out.

I’m sorry you are in this situation, it sounds very hard and stressful.

It sounds as if you are unable to ask your partner to do anything ( I assume this is about your joint responsibilities like house and children ) without him becoming very angry and shouting at you for hours. Is that right - is that what you mean by defensiveness?

Its hard to know exactly what you mean as you are describing a perceived motive rather that what he actually does. And at the end of the day, what you can or can’t go on living with is how someone treats you.

Yes. It is often about housework, childcare etc. He gets so stressed by it all and does far less overall. When I ask him to do whatever for the 50th time in 1 year, I get snappy and impatient. He gets cross as he already feels so busy.

I think he always feels like he is at breaking point and when I point out he hasn't done something - again - it lands in the worst possible way.

Your description sounds the closest although the reality is a lot less machiavelian on his part.

Thanks for all the messages and perspectives so far. It is helping my head to hear some external objectivity.

Can you please give an example where he is "defensive"? It sounds a little strange to end up abusing yourself when someone has defended their position.

If you are hitting him then you are the abuser. Leave

Well I won't give specific examples because it is outing but for example if we've agreed he does a task and I do another. I remind him quite a few times to do his task as the deadline approaches as I know he can't remember anything (genuinely). Deadline hits. I ask if done. It isn't. I ask why, frustrated. He talks over me. Gets cross. Tells me he couldn't possibly as he has no time. Blames me for not seeing he is busy and just doing it myself. Everyone and everything is to blame but him. And this goes on for hours as a huge row. And then at the end he apologises but insists that I must also be accountable for the part I play and goes back to this narrative that I never apologise (not true - I apologise and change things when I've done something wrong).

I'm not naive to that.

Your children deserve to live in a home that’s safe and secure without violence or bitter exchanges and parents who resent and loathe each other.

Despite saying you don’t blame the wine or him you clearly blame both and you really aren’t taking responsibility for your outburst. You’re saying he made you do it, which is oh so very predictable.

Prioritise your children and split up. Given your repeated justification for using violence I’d urgently get some professionally help so you don’t end up beating your vulnerable kids one day because the wine was too strong or they didn’t do what they were told on time.

The wine simply allowed an existing situation to tip over the edge. It is not the cause. Nevertheless I have stopped drinking.

No, I don't blame my partner for my actions. I'm trying to discuss the dynamic and talk about how desperate it has become and that involves describing both our behaviours. Doing so doesn't imply blame, unless that's how you chose to read it.

My children never do anything i ask them on time. They are not at risk of being hurt.

I couldn’t be arsed with this deliberately manipulative bullshit. Deliberately not doing things then emotionally abusing you when you bring it up.

Why are you saying you know he can’t remember things? Does he have dementia?

Maybe some neurodivergence?

Aside everything else which has certainly gone too far, have you ever written down the thing that is to be done - agreed with him?

If there's some sort of neurodivergence, routine and visual lists are helpful.

Please don't bring your poor kids up in this environment, with all this conflict - it is doing them harm. Regardless of who is responsible for what, there are little kids witnessing and hearing and feeling a horrible atmosphere. Please separate, for their sakes.

Yes we've started that and it has majorly helped. Thank you. He is taking steps to address it. I think just so much damage has been done with both me carrying the load and his horrible responses to me that it's hard to see the good.

Just to say I'm listening to this very hard.