Dating and apps

[Tinselandall]

After my divorce I dated casually on/off for about a year before I met someone. We have been dating for coming up 6 months. We haven’t had the exclusive chat but all has been positive and we have taken things slowly. But we have spoken about things heading in the relationship direction. Planned on having the chat this week. But I saw he still has a dating app on his phone. Obviously I logged in to my previous account and he hadn’t updated it at all but looked like it was logged in location wise. What would you think? Is it fair we aren’t official as such or not? We did have a message conversation about not using the apps though and I thought we were on the same page. He seems keen makes plenty of effort with me particularly recently it’s got better as time has gone on. But I’m disappointed.

6 months is a long time to be dating someone and both still be on the apps. I’d expect both to be off them after 2/3 months. By that time you’re either just having a bit of fun here and there and it isn’t monogamous or you put a stake in the ground.

This is why most are single with app dating as the temptation for better or more is always there until you delete the profile.

Maybe I did not make that clear I had deleted the apps but saw he still has one on his phone.

It would make me feel like they are looking for something better to come along. I would have to say something. However, even if they do say they will delete the app how can you be sure that they have without checking their phone all the time ? How much do you trust them ?

Some men will take advantage of not being official to see keep looking unfortunately, also I can't help thinking if wanted a proper relationship with you, he would of made it known by now, not you having to chase him for exclusivity, that would be my fear, however you do chat about this with him as there's no point dragging this on any longer, if he's not fully enthusiastic about being in a relationship then you know your answer.

@Neveranynamesleft thats how it has made me feel I think. I didn’t check his phone he was showing me something and I saw it as he scrolled. But I guess no one ever knows if someone is on the apps married or not. I’m not too trusting generally and was a bit unsure before this.

I’m usually quite forgiving but this is unacceptable after 6 months. Just ask him if you’re in this as one.

i made the mistake of assuming a very long time ago and it’s a big learn.

6m is too long to still be on dating apps. Tell him that you know he still has his profile and if he isn't sure/willing/able to fully concentrate on you two building something then he better be single so he can pursue other women.

Deleting the app proves nothing. If you are exclusive, you both need to delete your accounts.

6 months in... And he's still prowling, hoping he'll find better?

Fuck that shit.

If I ain't the "better" he's been looking for, he can fuck right off... 🤪

Seriously though, that seems like a very long time to me to be 'dating' and not deciding it's a relationship. If you're happy being one of his options out of many, that's ok I suppose. But if you want more than that, time for a conversation..

Fwiw - I'd want some exclusivity after a few dates tbh. Not necessarily calling ourselves 'partners' and planning a wedding etc. but no more messaging other people on apps etc.
Another few dates would be app profile delete conversation and exclusive 'partner' talk.
If they're still unsure, bye bye buddy.

I think ive liked that I could walk away if I needed to. But there has been times I’ve questioned his behaviour but I thought it was just me. Now I need to decide wether to wait until I see him or just do it by message/phone??

Just ask by text. You could ask where it is going.

text takes the pressure off both sides. You might not get an answer straight away but he’ll have space to think about it.

I have the apps on my phone still. Haven't used them in a 18 months or so, and not sure what my passwords are. If I got a new phone, I wouldn't install the apps there. But I can't be bothered to delete them. I have other unused apps on my phone.

He might just be crap at clearing up his phone. If it bothers you, talk to him. If you can't communicate about this or anything else, why would you want to be in a relationship with him?

@EBearhug good points also. We communicate a lot about all different things. But I’m quite laid back so maybe I’ve been too laid back and now I’m learning the hard way. But I know I won’t be walked over either. Thank you all. I was probably hoping he would instigate the conversation!

I'm with someone now who I met on dating apps (it's been 5 years and we're currently going through ivf round 2).

Early on, after some months dating, I saw he still had the app on his phone and it really grossed me out. It could have been the end. Seeing it undid a lot of the trust I had felt, which I need for a relationship. However, I spoke to him about it. He was aghast that it may damage what we had going, seemed to take me very seriously when I explained how I felt. He said it was just a background thing and he hadn't thought about it. To this day, when something upsets me, I know I can explain it to him and he will listen with reason and respond, and I am convinced that he cares deeply about our relationship.

All that to say, maybe try explain to him how it makes you feel. It might set a healthy precedence for the future.

This! Have the conversation.

Ok update - we had the chat we are “together” which is how I felt considering when we are together. I brought up the apps and like previous poster suggested he had them on his phone but never deletes but promised to. I needed a bit of Christmas wine to be brave. Thank you for all of your suggestions.