Would you stay in a financially secure marriage in my position? Or would you leave?
Some background: Was very ill with cancer at 21. I found this an extremely traumatic time and felt very lonely through the experience. This was in the March. Made stupid decision in the January had got impulsively married to uni boyfriend. Got diagnosed 12 weeks later and he said he didn’t want a sick wife. While I was having chemotherapy he insisted on sex one time and covered part of my head because I was bald. This felt awful emotionally inside. He refused to walk beside me on pavement because I was bald and he was embarrassed. Didn’t come to single chemotherapy with me. I packed up my stuff and left during chemotherapy. Divorced. Had chemotherapy/radiotherapy/treatment for a nine month period.
Went back to childhood home afterwards. Lay in bed for two weeks with covers over my head because I couldn’t cope with life. Finally got out of bed and started to function again. This was a year on from initial diagnosis and that year I turned 22.
Got a retail job etc and carried on. In the September decided to move to another city. The year I was 23 I started a relationship with my now husband and went back to uni for a year for training. We rushed into things and decided to get engaged before uni. Looking back his mum was pushing at engagement bizarrely. I was very frightened and scared after what I’d been through and probably wasn’t in any way emotionally capable of making that decision. When he proposed I cringed inside. Not a good sign. We were long distance for an academic year. He would travel to see me each weekend and everything appeared fine.
After uni, we moved in with each other and I almost immediately fell pregnant. No protection as I’d been told I would be infertile from treatment. Didn’t realise I was pregnant until around 2 months pregnant. Got married very soon after baby was born. Was overjoyed about baby.
Throughout marriage some things have been fine with a stable routine. I’ve had to deal with many hospital appointments checking constantly for cancer. Chemotherapy damaged heart and needed work done on it after second baby. Would say I’m traumatised by all the hospital stuff. It became clear pretty quickly that husband had anger issues and couldn’t control anger. Lots of shouting and releasing his stress on me after work. When I was pregnant with second , he wasn’t ‘allowed’ to shout at me as I was I danger of heart attack and dying in my sleep so I had a buffer zone until my heart was fixed. Flying off the handle and lots of shouting continued, at least weekly if not a couple of times a week. Shouting in front of children. When he wasn’t doing that he was bending over backwards to do everything for me which was very confusing. He grits his teeth at me and talks to me in very aggressive manner through gritted teeth. In front of the children too. I’ve begged him to stop but he continued.
Sex deteriorated very quickly early on in the marriage because of the shouting. He would pester for sex and say I want to have sex with my wife etc and if I didn’t give in he would give silent treatment in front of kids for 48 hours and be moody. I felt forced into sex to keep the peace for most of marriage. It wasn’t loving as I couldn’t look at him because emotionally we weren’t connected. It was uncomfortable and painful. I felt very sad and used. Kissing stopped and cuddling stopped. For past decade he has slept with cat in his arms and I’m at the side of the bed with big distance. We go to bed at separate times.
So here we are almost at 20 year point in 2025. My husband is someone who is either shouting/being extremely aggressive towards me or bending over backwards to do everything for me. Apparently it’s been emotionally abusive but I didn’t realise until about 5 weeks ago. I’ve been working for the past ten years and he didn’t love me being more financially independent. Six years ago I ran off to a yoga retreat in a far away country for two weeks and never felt more free. When I returned home he put so many of his emotions onto me and made me feel so guilty that I knew that would never happen again. I feel so much sorrow that I’ve never had a satisfying sex life with a loving partner with emotional connection and kissing and hugging and cuddling. It makes me deeply sad to have not connected in this way. Everyday routine is fine and he will sit with me each evening for around an hour watching a tv show together. Rest of time in two separate rooms.
I’ve asked him to leave the family home tomorrow. I’m extremely, extremely frightened and panicked and anxious as I am financially secure with him. I feel like I can’t cope with my feelings and the children’s feelings. I’m very high risk secondary cancer. Should I stay because of the security but never have the chance of true love with a deep emotional connection or does that not really exist? I feel like I can’t cope and I’m so scared.