A painful Christmas

[Susie808]

Newly divorced - my exh has the children this evening and all of tomorrow so while I’m with family
I will be alone tomorrow. That’s okay. I will walk the dog, watch a film and potter. That’s okay. It’s just the intense sadness at missing my children, feeling like there is something wrong with me as my husband had an affair and left for the OW and approaching 45 and feeling like there is little left I can do to fix the years ahead of being alone. I find it impossible to find the time to date and my self esteem is so low that I would not even know where to begin.

Hi op I'm sorry

I think I've just experienced my last Christmas as a complete family (me, 'd'h, little DC)

How old are yours? You don't have to answer, I just understand that feeling is looming large for me, I love them so much it hurts to think they might sleep away so often if it goes 50/50.

I'm a similar age to you, and the overwhelm is definitely in the picture. I'm not really dreading being on my own or thinking of dating, but equally, it's a far cry from where I thought I'd be.

It does sound like you have a good plan for the day (dog, movie etc)

Thanks PP - sorry to hear that you may be experiencing similar. Like you say, it’s not brain ‘alone’ which is hard as I was alone a lot in my marriage anyway so I am very used to doing things for myself and relying on me. It’s the thought that finding another life partner may be out of the question and coming to terms with that which I know is absolutely fine but it is still not what I expected. I had been with my ex since I was a teenager so my self esteem is really rock bottom. He has known me since I was sixteen and when he left he said such mean mean heart wrenching things.
My children are 7 and 5 so really difficult ages too. They are coping as much to be expected but I know it is hard for them too. Father Christmas in two places today though which they were of course happy for!

Ah mine are little as well.

You just want them close don't you...Maternal instinct I think.

I think these days honestly 40s isn't over-the-hill like it once seemed (or maybe that's just because now I'm there it doesn't seem as old?!)

I'm used to being alone too, or at least doing the Whole Thing alone- but with someone making me feel worthless but letting me carry the responsibility for everything somehow at the same time.

Its been 12 years here, so for you, a few decades in, you might need a little time to find out who you actually are, I feel bits of my old self coming back to life, as though I've been in hibernation, but maybe for you, you might need to spend some time getting to know yourself

I had forgotten how I used to dress, foods I used to like, music I used to listen to, movies I used to enjoy....so much. That's not being a mummy, that's trying to please someone else, 24hrs a day, 7 days a week for over a decade.

So sorry you're going through this this, this is my first Christmas since husband left too. We were together 29 years and I found out he had been having affairs at work for most of that. Still shocked! I have 2 teenage DC and I have been dreading today, but with very low expectations it hasn't been too bad. Glad it is over though. My plan was to just be kind to myself, it is him and not me that is the problem. I've had a bath, lit the fire and watching telly - early night soon and then it's all over. Telling myself next year will be easier again, and the one after that.

Really good point @Canyouseeblueskies , will take me a while too to find out who I am and what I want from life now - so I am working on being positive about that instead of fearing it. I am 51, not particularly interested in another relationship but really want to sort out career and do some solo travel. @Susie808 what do you like to do/would you like to do with your new freedom?