Anyone else got really bitchy parents?

[Heyprawn]

And if so, how do you deal with them?

Mine are great with our kids and often babysit/very invovled which I appreciate, but I’m starting to notice how incredibly bitchy they are about other people and wondering if this is normal? I think of friends’ parents and I just can’t envision them being bitchy (commenting on people’s clothes/looks/weigjt - normally strangers but sometimes people we know) and it’s starting to make me resent mine.

Do we all have the same parents?!

Yes mine do this and I’ve noticed it more and more the older I got. I do wonder if my
teen years could have been easier as my mum made such judgemental comments which coloured my view on people.

I agree with PP I’ve started calling them out but in a none confrontational way. E.g ohhh did you know the jones next door have no pension, no savings and are in loads of debt. They haven’t been as sensible as us……I said ohh wow did they really tell you all that, did they confide in you for emotion support and to get help with their pensions? Did they show you their bank statements?

It has affected me though, in the sense that I wouldn’t share even the most basic personal information with her or other family, and also generally I don’t want to be a part of family life or wouldn’t bring my partner into this.

@LindtCurves I'm EXACTLY the same. I tell them the bare minimum and our conversations are nothing more than small talk - chat about the weather etc. Their ability to weaponise any bit of information they have about you is astonishing. I sometimes forget how bad they are and share a little bit of info, like I've bought some new furniture, and it will go from an innocuous conversation about furniture to how lonely I must be living on my own 😂 Like wtf, they know nothing about my life or whether or not I'm lonely (I'm actually not and have a great life...).

They also love to get a rise out of people by dropping annoying comments into conversation and it can take all my energy to not respond and to just grey rock. They're so exhausting to be around. I left home at 19 and never looked back, just a few visits a year, and now I've emigrated so their toxicity is mostly limited to text which is much easier to ignore, delete straight away and forget about.

Yeah I get you! I was lucky enough to move away for school at 12 and it really opened my eyes, I loooved school and later work, it’s so much nicer than home.

I also left home and emigrated as soon as I could, a few visits a year.

My mum can be okay but she’s just so wrapped up in sadness and pessimism that I can’t let this kind of energy and negativity be the soundtrack to my life. I’d be the same had I stayed.

My ex saw how she was and how i turned into someone he absolutely didn’t recognise when she was around. So he actually hasn’t told my mum we separated because he knows that all kinds of hell would break loose for me.

Better let her focus on other people and brag about her perfect daughter, eh?

Yes but disagree about shielding your kids from it. They still have a right to grandparents no matter how imperfect they are. Also, it didn't pass to you, why would you think it'll pass to your kids?

Yes, my mother. She'll backstab all her friends and always has done.
I told myself that I'd never do that, because at the very least, it could well get back to them... and it did because as a child I said things to her friends that she'd said behind their backs and I'd get into trouble. I don't know what she expected from a 4 year old, but anyway.

My mum is getting ruder as she gets older . It's like her filter is leaving her

@Emanwenym Oh God, my mother does this too. I was actually going to start a thread on her getting my job wrong because it upsets me so much. It's like she refuses to believe I'm successful.

@Crushed23 To give an example of how it works with my "D"M: Let's say I'm the Beauty Editor at Vogue, my Mum would insist I'm the department admin and come out with things like "oh isn't it nice of them to let you go to fashion week" 🙄

@allfurcoatnoknickers , my mum gets things wrong. She's not malicious. i think the world's moved on from when our parents were young.
My sibling and cousins have more 'relatable' jobs like the examples I listed.

I'd let it go. Easier said than done though. It does hurt.

Not my parents, who are very live and let live type people.

But my PIL are and MIL especially frequently contradicts herself.

But is she doing this deliberately or as @Emanwenym suggests, because she's not familiar with the field and is essentially guessing? It sounds like it's to belittle your achievements? If that's the case then that's horrible and I would be upset too.

I would have a lot to contribute to this hypothetical thread. It's not that my mother gets my job wrong, it's that she doesn't talk about it because she doesn't know enough to pick out imaginary flaws.

Why don't you stop sharing your success and happy news with her? This is where I'm at with my parents. Other than major life updates (which I let them know about after the fact e.g. I informed them I was emigrating after I had bought my one-way ticket), I keep good and bad news to myself. It's not worth the hassle.

This is what my MIL says to my DH, he drives a brand new, fancy brand, company car and earns 6 figures. When he was promoted she asked if he was now the equivalent of 3 levels below him 🤣 I was like does she think they hand out 80k cars to admin staff 🤣

OP, I think you are expecting a lot for your children not to be affected by the company they keep, particularly grandparents.

This is toxic behaviour that you don't want your children absorbing.
Children do notice such behaviour.

At the very least ensure visits are supervised.

@Crushed23 I think she doesn't understand, but instead of trying to understand reduces my job to something "lesser" that she does understand and doesn't feel threatened by.

On the bitchy note though, I can't watch tv with her because it's just a stream of nastiness and bile about just about anyone who shows up on screen. It's exhausting.

I don’t shield them really. I’ve said kind of similar to this on my last comment, that my kids will have much less exposure to this kind of behaviour than I did, and I’ve grown up knowing how toxic it is so my kids wlll have a better advantage. And my parents actually seem to rein it in when around my kids, weirdly. So they must know that it’s wrong?? It’s bloody bizarre

My ex saw how she was and how i turned into someone he absolutely didn’t recognise when she was around. So he actually hasn’t told my mum we separated because he knows that all kinds of hell would break loose for me. @Lindtcurves that's quite kind of him.

I love mine, but they are exactly the same. Seems to have got worse as they got older (or maybe I notice it more when I spend a short amount of time with them). Can be quite grating when they are talking about people who have helped them out and they are just being rude. I do call them out in front of the kids because I don’t love the constant negativity.

Yes they particularly hate their neighbours and say nasty things about them. I just nod and agree before steering them in another direction.

My mum is like this think it’s a combination of jealousy and not having much you g on in her own life. I didn’t my childhood listening to her criticise everyone else I once made the muster of repeating one of her comments back I got How dare you suggest I said such a thing followed by a day of the silent treatment which h was confusing as she had just said it ! They also hate all their neighbours ended up moving house because of I’ve set the new ones my parents were so awful the new neighbours called the police my parents just thought it was funny