Not speaking the same love languages

[HappyNeedyHuman]

Anyone know about love languages and how to be in a relationship and not feel super needy and annoying because we don't speak the same language?

I long for attention in the form of touch and verbal affirmations, while he is quiet and almost never says anything about how he feels about me (although did at the beginning), even when I specifically ask.

He seems to think one of his long languages is in fact touch, but realistically it's probably because he feels he shows his love through sex. I think he feels being here is enough.

Ah, OP, it’s awful when there’s poor communication in relationships. There are plenty of proper evidence-based relationship support books and services out there.

Sadly, Love Languages are a load of bollocks, created by a conservative American Baptist preacher with zero proper counselling or psychology qualifications and questionable views about the role of women in relationships and family.

Check out Relate’s website for resources that might be more helpful. 😊 xx

Well either you accept you are incompatible, or you spend you life feeling miserable and frustrated. What you describe would usually result in a relationship going no further, so why let yours continue?

Has it occurred to you that perhaps you just 'crave' normal, affectionate interaction, and that possibly it's not a difference, but a withholding? I mean, that could be the worst case scenario, but was it always this way? I wonder if it wasn't, because otherwise perhaps you would have sensed 'disinterest' and backed off, so has it always been this way?

Like @JoyousPoet, I think this “love language” stuff is unhelpful - to me, it looks like a way of glossing over incompatibility.

Surely it’s much simpler to think: does this man meet enough of my needs/wants for this relationship to work for me? Rather than - what else does he do that I can try to see as love and try to ignore that it isn’t enough for me? Calling it “love language” rather than simply things he does and doesn’t do also potentially elevates these things beyond their worth. Eg - his love language is sex whereas the truth may be - he’s not really interested in me except when he wants sex, and that doesn’t sound much like love to me. I remember reading a comment by a man years ago that he knew he had fallen in love when he realised he enjoyed spending time with his girlfriend generally, not just when they were having sex.

I learned on here that love languages is a bollocks system created by a conservative American pastor to control women.

That point aside, it sounds like you and him are fundamentally incompatible as you don’t want/need the same amount of non-sexual physical affection.

‘Love language’ 🤢 aside, you sound incompatible.

Love languages is indeed a load of baloney, but isn't it amazing how all men say theirs is touch - for which, read sex!

Shows his love through sex? Oh purlease.
You don't seem to have grasped the basics here. It's all about compatibility, and effort. It doesn't matter if you have different love languages. What matters in any relationship is if you are prepared to make the effort. In this case, is he prepared to provide you with the emotional satisfaction you crave, by giving you your life language, even if it's not his.

He sounds like a knob, selfish and nit emotionally astute.

Love languages is unproven bolloxks - his isn't 'touch' it's just using you for sex tbh. If he isn't putting effort into being a good partner you should consider ending the relationship.

Love languages is a way of letting entitled men get away with doing whatever the fuck they want.

Read about Gottman's Horsemen of the Apocalypse for a more useful perspective.

= How can I be happy when my emotional needs aren't being met?

Stop thinking of yourself as being "needy". What you want in a relationship is perfectly valid and normal.

I think I am the only one who believes in love language then…. I know that if I like someone I would kiss and hug them (sometimes too hard - my children shouting ‘get off’!).

My partner would show this buy ‘doing’ things and buying presents to keep me happy, and I appreciate this a lot. But I need a simple hug to feel loved, and showing affection - holding his hand or hugging on the sofa is what means ‘love’ to me. He would buy me a small thoughtful present (like a small food item on the way home, because he thought of me), and I would go - thank you, but where is my hug??!!

We went to couples therapy and, for us, we were simply missing out on each other’s cues - what we needed from each other to feel loved. I don’t need to hear the words (at all), but I need the physical affection. He responds better to ‘doing things’ and small acts for each other (such as making a cup of tea) means love to him and I am working towards being more thoughtful. These small things get missed after 18 years of being together. We are working towards this and it takes effort to show love in different ways.

I would recommend having a good talk to your partner about how you feel, because I think you don’t feel close to him. From where I stand, simply having sex isn’t enough for you to feel connected, and you need to express that to him. Tell him you need more affection (if that is what you need to feel close).

Good luck op, hope this helped.

The only love language anyone needs to consider is whether someone is willing to put some effort in to make their partner happy, you know, because that's what you do when you love someone. You can't change that.

You really need to read the crappy book that started all this 'love languages' bollocks. It's full of anecdotes where one partner is doing all sorts for their loved one, and the other partner can't be bothered to kiss them goodbye (or say 'I love you'), even though they know it would make them happy.

He did it for you in the beginning, so he's fully capable. He just doesn't want to.

Dh craves touch and affection and gives it to me, whereas despite me loving him I just don't. I do make a conscious effort though to show him affection the way he likes so he'll feel loved.

Thank you Silverfoxlady, I think yours is the kind of response I was after.
He does love me, it's not all about sex, we've been together for 10 years and we generally have good communication, and a good sex life that we both enjoy very much!

We simply show our love in different ways, and feel loved by different acts.
Over and out x