Spending Christmas apart when kids are involved

[Crazyfarmgirl]

So me and my partner have what my family call an "unusual" relationship. We've been together for a decade, no intention of marriage and only been living together for 1.5 years. I don't have as much support from him as I'd like, but I've accepted this is the way it is. Every Christmas is the same, we spend the day at our parents and go home to bed at the end of the day. We hardly see eachother. Last year was our sons first Christmas, and partner didn't see him all day. We also don't do gifts for eachother, and it's only me who buys our son presents. This year I said about having Christmas dinner together, and his reply was that he was staying at his mums for dinner instead. I never saw it as much before, but the time he spends with his parents over us is becoming a problem. He actually happens to be round there right now! Should I be expecting more from him? He won't come round to my parents, and I haven't been invited to his.

Your son should certainly be expecting more. He doesn’t sound like a dad to me.

Did he want a child?

He was planned, yes

It doesn’t sound like he’s committed at all. It’s crazy to have kids if you’re not married. You make yourself so vulnerable.

It's very personal, but marriage wouldn't benefit me or my partner in our case. It's not for everyone..

It would benefit you if you split up.

What if I were the main earner in the relationship? People always assume it's the man, and that if a split were to occur, the woman would be financially screwed. It's been 10 years, I think I know what would benefit me in the case we break up. But this really isn't what I'm asking, is it? So I'm not sure what not being married has to do with the fact he doesn't want to see us on Christmas day

He’s not seeing you as a family or a partnership. I’d split up and look for someone who wants to commit to you. (That commitment doesn’t have to be marriage, but he has to see you as a unit)

So sorry op, he isn't putting you or more importantly your son first. Your partner is putting his parents before you both and that's really sad especially at Christmas.

I think you need to have a conversation with him about this situation and see what he says. If he doesn't change his ways then maybe you need to re think if you want to be with him going forward. Also it's totally bizarre that his parents haven't invited you and your son for Christmas ever.

Are you sure he doesn't have a second wife and family?

It's something I've spoken about time and time again, but deep down I'm not convinced he'll ever change especially as he's approaching 40. He says his parents aren't going to be here forever, they're elderly so I do appreciate that. They live next door, so I'm certain there isn't a second family. But I can see why others would feel that could be the case

It does seem like you've accepted an 'unusual' relationship as you put it. Plenty couples don't marry but it seems like there always been some distance between you both so why should Christmas be any different?

Your partner doesn’t see you and your DS as family. If he did, he would want to contribute to presents and spend Christmas Eve and wouldn’t spend so much time with his parents. You are secondary to them. The fact that he said he was having Christmas dinner with his parents, knowing you wanted him to have dinner with you and your DS, and not to invite you there too, speaks volumes.

/

Having a child changes everything.

No, you don't have to be married if you're financially secure without him, but it sounds as though he sees your son as solely yours, part of you and not really his responsibility. That's bad for your son emotionally in the long term (he'll accept his normal for a few years but start to notice and question whether his dad cares at all by the time he's school age - his dad also sounds like a terrible role model) even leaving finances and practical childcare tasks aside.

Time for a serious conversation after Christmas about the message he's sending his son. Either you alternate who has your son like amicable divorced parents and think of a way to make this make sense to your child ling term, or you spend important days for your child together, or you split up properly.

Childfree adults can do what they want and its nobody else's business, but once you have a child both parents need to prioritise the child.

Ignoring his relationship with you for a moment, why doesn’t he want to spend Christmas with his child? Why don’t the grandparents want to spend Christmas with their grandchild?

this whole thing is very odd. I wouldn’t consider him your partner at all. He also isn’t acting like a father.

"He says his parents aren't going to be here forever, they're elderly so I do appreciate that"

His son isn't going to be young and enjoying the magic of Christmas forever either!

He considers his family unit to be his parents and not you and your son, which is sad for your son in particular. Your relationship doesn't sound like it is a standard one anyway (nothing wrong with that) and maybe this is consistent with your wider relationship. It doesn't sound like he will change, so the only question is whether it's acceptable to you. It wouldn't be to me or many others but that's irrelevant, the question is you (taking into account your child).

Thanks for your response op. Since you've spoken to him several times about this situation that really just leaves you with two options. You accept and carry on with how things are or you split up.

Did your stents show you a similar rubbish role model for a relationship?.

Why have you accepted such crumbs so willingly?. Do you not think you are worth more?. He regards his parents as his family, not you and your child.

This unusual relationship as you put it suits him down to the ground and this is also on you for accepting it.

Sounds like a twattu kid and a shit dad.

I'd rather admit I've wasted 10 years on a shit twat and move on than keep up this bullshit.

“Ponderingwindow · Today 18:29

Ignoring his relationship with you for a moment, why doesn’t he want to spend Christmas with his child? Why don’t the grandparents want to spend Christmas with their grandchild?
this whole thing is very odd. I wouldn’t consider him your partner at all. He also isn’t acting like a father.”

This. And why is it a given that you won’t go to his parents for Christmas or that he won’t come to yours? DH and I were together for many years before we married and we spent Christmas together sometimes with friends, sometimes with my parents and sometimes with his parents. As a PP said above, it sounds like you have settled for crumbs.