I hate the fact my family setup matches the one I had growing up

[justbeinghonesthere]

I have an older boy and younger girl. Younger girl a delight. Older boy a bit difficult, we clash a lot.

I have been doing a lot of soul searching recently and I’ve realised I’m so triggered by my DS because I sort of see him as my brother who was (is) a nightmare to be honest and I have feelings of resentment and guilt and love all interlinked. And so I do with DS.

So … what can I do? Ideally I know I’d access counselling but it’s so so expensive I just cannot afford it.

It's not necessarily because of the brother similarity. If one child is more difficult, a bit more prickly, argumentative and less reciprocal, then it is a completely natural human response to feel a certain way. If another child has a warmer, easier, less difficult temperament, then it of course impacts things. It's beyond your control because we are wired a certain way and that's just biology. At least you see it and acknowledged which is huge.

I can only suggest getting a diary with a lock on, kept private and inaccessible so you have space to write your deepest most dark thoughts. It's a good way to process difficult feelings, get them out of your physical body. It's therapeutic because the act of writing is slower than thought and it can be quite calming once it's all on paper.

I go from having extreme feelings of love, fierce protection and feeling sorry for my son, upset and hurt for him to feelings what to me feels like hate, rage and disappointment. All possible in the space of a day.

It's really difficult as you have an innate love there and these feelings are absolutely awful to accept and shrouded in guilt.

My mother did something similar to me. She'd raised her younger sister after their mother died, but the sister was a little bitch (according to my mum). I looked a bit like this sister and my mum would call me by her name, instead of my own, all throughout my childhood. It was obvious my mum resented me (bordering on hate) but it was because she thought I was her sister, even thought I obviously wasn't - I was her daughter! To be honest it damaged me terribly and even though I'm in my sixties now it can still make me cry sometimes.

Thanks @Tittat50 , that really was helpful. I really appreciate your answer. It’s hard because I identify with DD I suppose and I worry she’s going to have the same type of childhood I did.

For the sake of both your children you really need to find a way to work through this. Counselling isn't cheap but kindly, you really need it.

You’re not kidding it isn’t cheap. I wish I could magic up £400 a month but not many of us can.

I don’t think you need counselling to fix this, you have already reached the realisation that you needed therapy for. Now just start being kinder to your son and more involved. Be positive around him, start to value him. Even if you have to force yourself to act differently around him at first fake it til you make it.

The way I measure personal success is how different my life is from the way I grew up, so I sympathise.

I don't have any advice except maybe keep the DS away from your brother so he's not further influenced by him and his shitty ways?

How old are they?

TBH I'm quite glad I didn't have this set-up because my brother is also a nightmare and bullied me horribly. I'd really struggle so I can see why you do.

Presumably your parents' tactics didn't work so the first thing to do is work on parenting that DOES work. Parenting classes might be cheaper than counselling.

OP, you must be really self aware to have recognised this. I don't think many people would be able to see it. So well done.

Maybe start by aiming to say one positive thing to or about your son every single day?

Thanks @LimeYellow I really do appreciate that.

He does have many good qualities. And he is only very little so it would be awful if I didn’t have anything positive to say.

But when I was a child my brother was just so hard to be around. Everything revolved around him, so for example in the car we were allowed to choose a tape each to listen to. But if I chose something my brother didn’t like he’d whinge through it so making it pointless.

At school teachers didn’t like him so didn’t like me (which I’m not condoning by the way.) Or on holiday I’d make friends and then they’d meet my brother and back away … so much drama and embarrassment.

I realised a long time ago so much of my character was formed just from being his antithesis so he was sullen, I was cheerful. He was disobedient, I was compliant. He caused conflict, I was the peacekeeper. I’m not sure how much of that was innate and how much was formed from him really.

DS isn’t like that. But when I had a boy first I was wary if you like.‘obviously as babies it’s different but as he grew and especially when I had a girl second I find I project my old feelings onto them.

A parenting expert once told me that it's important that parents have a 'solidly positive story' about their children. Internally as well as externally.

That doesn't mean excusing behaviour or condoning anything. It means that the story you tell yourself, them and the world is solidly positive.

Take DD. If you look at her one way, she's pushy, bossy, loud, terrible at risk assessment, hard to get along with, and lacks focus. Exactly like I was when I was young and my mum still has that story about me. However, how I see DD, and how I describe her to her, and the rest of the world is; brave, kind, unique, enthusiastic, funny, interesting, passionate, good (not nice, good), a deep thinker, a good friend, a citizen of the world, and the literal best person I have ever met. Our childhoods are going very differently so far.

Think about your son in terms of what he offers, what he's good at, what he values. Form a solidly positive story about him. Your brother is nothing to do with your son. He is his own person and forming that story means he will live that story, the good story.

That really resonates and I fear my story isn’t positive, I see him through a negative lens. I find him fidgety, annoying, immature (obviously he’s a child but sometimes seems to lack maturity compared to children of the same age.)

I need to change this; that was a really valuable post. Thank you.