My husband (47) and I (44) I have been married for just over a decade and it has been, for the most part, a loving marriage centred around our two beautiful children. Of course, I've had grievances. He travels a lot for work, is constantly glued to his phone, and sometimes would abruptly pop out for "errands" that he has always been incredibly vague about.
Initially these didn't concern me too much, he has a very demanding job that has allowed us to have a lifestyle I never thought possible, meant that I could leave work to be with the children, take us on wonderful holidays, send the children to a great school. I always felt that complaining to him about his work, phone, computer, and random "emergencies" would be so selfish considering everything he does for us.
However, two weeks ago, I started getting really suspicious after I had found a condom in the inside pocket of his blazer. There was no reason for him to have it there as we only ever have sex at home and, frankly, it isn't something we do as often as we used to.
This prompted me to do something I never thought I would do - but I found an opportunity to get into his phone when he wasn't looking. I'm not sure what I was looking for. I first looked at his photos but couldn't find anything. Then I thought I would check his messaging apps (WhatsApp, Telegram), BOTH were password locked which I found very odd. Only iMessage could be accessed, but there was barely anything there. At this point, I had a sinking feeling something was up.
Last year, a friend was in a similar situation and used a digital investigator to learn more about her absent and secretive fiancé. The investigator found out that this man had been living a complete double life, with a long-term girlfriend in Edinburgh, and, unbelievably, a whole business he had set up and was earning money from - she had no idea about the business or all the money he was earning from it (and no doubt spending on his girlfriend).
I asked for the investigator's details and requested that they pull together anything and everything they could find about my husband. The investigator spent about a week digging online and came back to me with a report that changed my life forever. I got a call from the investigator, warning me that my husband's report would be a very difficult read, and that I should open it in private at a time when I would be able to process it fully. Since I received it, I have barely been able to eat, sleep, properly take care of the kids, or speak to him, and yet he is so absent minded he doesn't even realise something is wrong.
It turns out that my husband of over ten years has been:
- Having an affair with a woman FIFTEEN YEARS his junior.
- Financing this woman's lifestyle and her failed business venture.
- Attending sex parties with her, where they have sex with other partners.
- Posting in a revolting online sex forum, including pictures of his genitals, and details his "addiction" to porn and escorts to his creepy online friends.
- Based on this posts online, has clearly been spending thousands on escorts as far back as seven years ago.
I have no idea where to go from here. I don't know what to do. I have no idea how to confront him about this, or if I should see a lawyer first. I know the obvious decision is to simply divorce, but our children are nine and seven, I have loved him since we first met fourteen years ago, and I know that I have a place in his heart too, in spite of these actions. If he is truly an addict, then maybe there is a way to get through this if he agrees to treatment?
I am a complete mess and I can't talk about this to anyone in person just yet. Any advice you have for me would be really appreciated.