Do you buy your abusive ex a present from kids?

[TheMaskedSingSong]

DD is with her dad this year for Xmas day. First time in years as we've had long running court proceedings.
DDs dad is abusive. However, I've acknowledged him on father's day and ensured DD has a card to give him. This year I let her pick a card in the shop and a small gift for him to take. I wrapped the gift and she wrote in the card. I don't know, I just do it for her.

I do this knowing FULL well he won't do the same.

What do others do?

I always did the same - just be the bigger person (I do understand now rubbish it is). My kids are young adults now and they have mentioned this (ie I got something for him from them when they were younger and it wasn’t reciprocated).

My DCs are old enough to buy stuff themselves so no I don't do anything for my abusive ex. You are doing the right thing because it will make your DD happy.

I do. It's not something I relish doing but I think it is good for my daughter to have something to give as she has a relationship with him. Tbf my ex would generally do the same (though he didn't this year as he is "punishing" me for saying we need to review child maintenance!). I don't get something expensive, just a small token to show willing. I think it means a lot to my daughter

Very similar situation, yes I've always done the same, knowing it wouldn't be reciprocated but it wasn't for him it was for DD sake. I think it is being the bigger person and that's commendable

It's the right and child focused thing to do I guess. I don't even want a single thing from him. It's just the principle. He's an abuser yet for the sake of your child you need to acknowledge him

I do the same. Four years down the line things with my ex are more amicable and he has started to do the same for me for the first time this year. I did it even when my ex was being horribly abusive after separation, I remember spending my lunch hour in the rain running round town thinking why am I shopping for a birthday present for someone who hates me? But it is the right thing to do for the child

I forget exactly when I stopped doing it but until his teens I did/helped my son get something for his mother

Does he get you a gift from then on Mother's Day, your birthday, etc? That is your answer.

I do @TheMaskedSingSong. I don't do it for him, I do it because it makes my DC happy.

You're doing a good job at this parenting thing. Merry Christmas.🩷

Nope. Never. On any occasion. He's also successfully had contact on every mothers day.

Nope. DS never asked to do it so I didn't start it. I do it with older DS's Dad though, cos he's a decent human being. Does your DD ask to do something for her dad? If so, I can understand why you do. But I wouldn't put too much time or effort (or money) into it, a token effort only, for your DD's sake.

Irritating though it is - especially when he has continued with post-separation abuse by using the kids as pawns - I still buy him a token gift from the kids. I want my children to see that I always tried to do the right thing for them even when it sucked. A lot. You have my sympathies l, OP! Xx

Nope I don't. I teach my kids it's not a woman's place to pussy foot around difficult men. Perhaps easier for me because my kids have always felt uncomfortable around him and have been upset to be forced to see him. If they asked I absolutely would. Ds asked to get my other ex a Christmas gift last year, he's my youngest dad not ds dad but been more of a father than abusive ex. I complied as it was from ds

Nope DD didn't ask at all. I suggested it to her and she said no! But then I felt as if I should.

Nope.

No he has a girlfriend he's using who can do all that now. Thank the lord.

I used to but I put zero thought into it and spent a tenner tops.

Yes but nan (his mom) took over quite quickly because she "knew I wouldn't" (even though I was) she bought him lots of showy gifts

I didn't have a child with the abuser, but no I wouldn't do this. 'Being the bigger person' means still giving him some consideration, even if you are doing it 'for your daughter'. He still has the satisfaction of knowing you are doing it too.

Also look at the message it is sending to her too, from her earliest age - "women cater to men, even when it isn't reciprocated". Especially as she said no.

You're being the bigger person (and not a massive arsehole, like he was)

I admire that OP

I did it for my abusive ExH until they were old enough to get their own. Tbf, he did the same back even though he really didn't want to! He knew it would reflect badly on him to the kids if they had something to give him and nothing to give me. He tried to get me to stop but I couldn't do that to the kids.

No he asked me not to. So not all exes would even want this.

My ex liked to book things to do with them on mothers day so he had an excuse not to swap it. Mine were 10 and 12 when we split and they could use their pocket money to buy him a gift if they wanted, and I would take them out shopping if they wanted, but I wouldn't initiate it.

Absolutely not , he couldn’t even be bothered to contact dd Christmas Day , so there was no way I was spending money on him . He dropped all contact with dd when she was 6 anyway

Why are you forcing your child to hand over a gift when she said no what message are you sending your child. Your taking her choices away, autonomy comes to mind and you’ve taken it away.

me no I didn’t because it was something he’d bitch about saying I’d bought to guilt him to buy me as he did one birthday, kidz said no so I went with what they said and he still bitched.