Advice needed - elderly mother

[Slowhorses1]

My mum and I have had quite a conflicted relationship through the years. I love her dearly but she has historically been quite hard work. We used to butt heads a lot and if I’m honest I was embarrassed of her (I have so much guilt for feeling this). She would always get into little arguments with people if we were out and about as kids (like in the supermarket etc), and as I got older if friends came over she’d quite often say unnecessarily controversial stuff just to get a reaction. She would often do the same with me, everything I said was taken as an Insult and she’d get annoyed. She’s not from England and so would often blame it on a cultural difference. Now she’s older this side has mellowed (very very slightly).

The other day I drove her to the shops and she immediately started saying how insulting it was that I wanted to use the GPS to get there rather than her telling me where to go. Back in the day I would have argued back and this would have cause a whole
other drama, but now I’m just silent and completely switch off. I know it sound so petty but it’s years of this sort of low level conflict that has undermined our relationship. I’ve had therapy and it helped make sense of many things. My mum suffered childhood abuse, she has low self esteem. When the therapist explained the relationship of these things it was like a light bulb moment for me, and I became much more understanding of why my mum acted like this. However, it’s still really difficult.

Shes coming round for Christmas Day and Christmas Eve and I feel so tense about what she’s going to do / say. Who she might offend, what crazy stuff she’s going to come out with. I know I need to just go out of body to manage it, but is there any advice you can give on how I can RELAX and just enjoy Christmas too??

So what’s your question? How to manage her?

Sorry! I’ve just edited my post, it had sliced half the story off.

I have a bingo card in my head I mentally tick off, I try and remind myself that her behaviour doesn’t reflect on me, but on her, and I try to float above it as a dispassionate observer. It is worth saying I’m on day two of five with mixed success so far!

So, literally doing some deep breathing and remind yourself that she’s a grown woman and you are not responsible for what she does or doesn’t do. If she says or does something offensive etc, that’s on her. Wash your hands of it. It’s not your choice or your behaviour. Just drop the rope.

And can you still do that and love her / not feel guilty? How do you do both?????

And thank you for the great advice. I’m definitely going to try this.

There's a difference between disassociating and detaching to becoming a disinterested observer; but it can be a bit difficult to explain.
Disassociation is shutting off your own feelings and becoming numb.
Being a disinterested observer is more like imagining you are a scientist observing an experiment to see the outcome. You keep your own reactions and feelings but you don't have to share them; you become detached from the other person, not yourself.
You are becoming a disinterested observer. When you mother tried to pick a fight over the GPS you didn't get embroiled in an argument about which was best, you didn't do what she demanded to keep the peace or worry about her getting you both lost. You took a step back, and could see what she was doing.
Your guilt will fade and you'll feel compassion for her, but without the sense of obligation to try to fix things for her.

Look at the Out of the FOG website. Read Toxic Parents by Susan Forward.

It's not your fault your mother is like this and you did not make her that way. What if anything do you know about her family background because that often gives clue and indeed she was abused by family. The abused became the abuser. Its certainly more relevant than cultural difference because she more likely than not has some untreated and untreatable personality disorder. However, she had a choice when it came to you and she chose to inflict the same old. She did not look for nor chose to accept the necessary help. She was not a good parent to you when you were growing up and she has not fundamentally changed. She has never apologised nor has accepted any responsibility for her actions.

I would send her home sooner rather than later and never have her darken your door again. And if it is not already too late cancel her visit entirely. I suppose she is going to you because you're the only one who really bothers with her. She is not worth bothering about.

Ask yourself these questions,

Do you love your mother? If so, then you can still love her despite her faults. You might love her but not like her challenging behaviours, much like you would a child.

Why should you feel guilty for the actions of another? Why do you feel the need to take on accountability for your mother’s behaviour? It’s nothing to do with you how she or anyone else behaves. You are accountable for your own behaviour and that is it. Stop apportioning blame to yourself for something you have zero control over. This is not your burden to carry. Do you often make yourself a martyr for the benefit of others? Why is that? Perhaps instead of focusing on your mother’s behaviour, you could do some self reflection about how you behave and feel about her behaviour and adjust your negative beliefs around this issue?

Perhaps, if you so felt the need you could preframe the day for your other guests beforehand so that they are prepared if she does say something offensive? Give them an heads up, “my mother is coming and she can be a little acquired taste”. Other than that, you cannot do anything about her behaviour. Your only other option is to not invite her for Christmas.

Again, drop the rope. This isn’t your weight to carry. Your mother isn’t your responsibility and you’re not to blame for her behaviour. I think you should be proud of yourself that despite her challenging behaviour, you are still willing to invite her and include her at this special time. That’s kindness and the world needs more of that.

Who invited her anyway or has she merely imposed herself upon you?.

You don't have to love someone just because you are related.

Why would you feel guilty for your perfectly normal reaction to her obnoxious behaviour?

@Thelnebriati this is really really helpful. Thank you. I suspect I probably need some more therapy to help manage my feelings, but I will try to reframe how I think about her over the next few days.

@AttilaTheMeerkat I invited her.
@slightlydistrac I love her because despite her failings she loves us. Maybe I have Stockholm syndrome but I feel overall she has been a good mum, who has tried the best she could for us.

I was reading through your post and the replies and was about to suggest the same thing. More therapy seems like a good idea to untangle yourself from these old childhood patterns that seem to pop up whenever you're around your mum.
Most of it seems situated around feelings of guilt, shame and obligation.

For now, try to love and accept yourself. There's nothing abnormal about what you're feeling. You are perfectly capable of loving someone and not agreeing with their actions at the same time. You don't owe your mother anything, and everything you've done so far has been kind, giving and forgiving.

Her best was not good enough was it?. If you are a parent you would never treat your children in the ways you’ve been treated by her. How do you know she loves you?. Her actions towards you are in no way loving ones. I feel you are thinking and or hoping that even now she will change. Sadly this is unlikely to happen.

Ask yourself too why you really invited her?. Was this another occasion where you put her first with your own needs and wants dead last?. Are you the only one who bothers with her?.

This a million per cent. It does not reflect on you she is her own person you are not responsible. It’s hard as I had the same for years, the shame when she’d be drunk and inappropriate or start analysing my friends like she was a bloody therapist .

no one and I mean no one thinks badly of you for her behaviour, it’s shame you are feeling which is a horrible thing to feel. First step is that you recongnise it. You are not unreasonable to be embarrassed, don’t feel shame for that.

sicial experiment/ bingo is the way to go. How long before she says a or insults x. Observe don’t get drawn in.

Thank you all so much. I find it really hard if I’m honest, and your words of advice are going to really help.

I think new year and some more therapy for me. The guilt and shame are huge.it helps having you spell it out exactly what I’m feeling.

You may be right @AttilaTheMeerkat I will certainly go out of my way to make sure that I don’t replicate those things with my own children.

However I also think parenting is hard, especially if you’ve had no modelling of healthy parenting yourself. I wish our relationship was different, but I also accept that people have flaws. For a long time I’ve felt that the way I feel about her is a failing on my part, and I’ve been angry at her for a very very long time. I’ve sort of got over that now, but I’m still left with the feelings of embarrassment.

Parenting is hard anyway and your mother had abusive role models.

Do you think your mother feels shame or embarrassment, not a bit of it particularly embarrassment. Why do you feel embarrassed, where does that come from?.. it’s no reflection on you.

She has more than mere flaws, her behaviour towards you is abusive no two ways about it. Your mother never sought nor wanted to seek
the necessary help. Again she had a choice when it came to you and she chose the same old. You had the same choice and you’ve chosen not to go down that path, the dysfunction stopped at you.

And if she kicks off at you have no compunction about telling her to go. You would not tolerate this behaviour from a friend, your mother is no different.