Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Should I be worried that he wants a relationship with his friend

20 replies

Pinkflamingo98 · 24/12/2024 02:17

Basically I met him (36,m) at work around 2 years ago. Last year we flirted with the idea of dating which ended up being put on hold when his ex-wife started a custody battle of their kids (10,m 8m). Since then his ex is completely out of the picture and we have slept together multiple times and confessed that we are in love with each other. Yet still haven’t defined a relationship as he can’t commit to that while in therapy.

My problem is he has a friend (34,f) who has 3 kids (9f, 7f, 1m) which he claims he is the “father” too. He is not the biological father of these children and rather calls them his adopted kids. He is a great dad to all five kids and bends over backwards for each one of them. He is very close with the mum and also will do anything for her.

I don’t want to get jealous or anything but sometimes I can’t help it, should I be concerned that he is stringing me along and wants a relationship with her? How is this something I can discuss with him without sounding too jealous or controlling. At the end of the day I wouldn’t mess with the kids upbringing and wouldn’t stand in the way of them, but at the same time I don’t want to lead myself to getting hurt.

TL;DR: should I be worried that my “situationship” calls himself the father to his friends 3 kids and that he will end up in a relationship with her while leading me on?

OP posts:
nonbinaryfinery · 24/12/2024 02:19

Don't bother with him at all. He seems to have various things conveniently set up to avoid commitment. Save yourself the heartache and move on.

Alalalala · 24/12/2024 02:21

He’s not even willing to say you’re dating. Not willing to commit while in therapy? What a load of shit. Regardless of how he feels about his other woman, this is a set up which will only string you along and leave you feeling used and let down. Beware OP.

Original poster
Pinkflamingo98 · 24/12/2024 02:32

Alalalala · 24/12/2024 02:21

He’s not even willing to say you’re dating. Not willing to commit while in therapy? What a load of shit. Regardless of how he feels about his other woman, this is a set up which will only string you along and leave you feeling used and let down. Beware OP.

Not completely defending him as I am looking for advice on the situation. But to elaborate on things in his therapy he has been told to completely abstain from any sexual contact as he used that as a “coping mechanism”. Which is why he has said that he could not have a relationship. I just don’t want to end up jealous and ruin any chance of giving us a real go at some point especially if the jealousy was over nothing. I know he has known her since her first child was 1, so not sure if it’s a case of friends stepping up for each other as he makes out or if there is a chance that they have/will have a relationship together.

OP posts:
Original poster
Pinkflamingo98 · 24/12/2024 02:34

nonbinaryfinery · 24/12/2024 02:19

Don't bother with him at all. He seems to have various things conveniently set up to avoid commitment. Save yourself the heartache and move on.

Thank you :) I’m all honesty I have seen a lot of what he has dealt with and I can’t say I completely blame him when he hasn’t committed yet. He puts his kids first with everything which is something I admire in a man. But can’t lie it does seem like we go round in circles every 6 months. I just don’t want to end up jealous over nothing and ruining our friendship

OP posts:
justworking · 24/12/2024 05:08

He's just not that into you. Sorry.

I would move on if I were you...

InkHeart2024 · 24/12/2024 05:13

Calling this woman's kids his 'adopted' kids when he was never in a relationship with their mum and they presumably have a father somewhere is weird, unboundaried and a red flag. He's not being a 'good guy' he's being a white knight. Beware men who have rescuer complexes, they rarely settle for a woman who has her shit together.

Guavafish1 · 24/12/2024 05:30

please please don’t continue

he is riddled with relationships and commitment problems. Please find someone with out the ‘baggage’ as most men are complicated

category12 · 24/12/2024 05:38

But to elaborate on things in his therapy he has been told to completely abstain from any sexual contact as he used that as a “coping mechanism”. Which is why he has said that he could not have a relationship

Righhht. So he merrily shags you anyway, but withholds "being in a relationship"...

You're being truly suckered here.

You're being put into drama triangles with other women.

You're in for a world of silly buggers if you stick around.

Princessconsuelabananahammock9 · 24/12/2024 05:42

Pinkflamingo98 · 24/12/2024 02:32

Not completely defending him as I am looking for advice on the situation. But to elaborate on things in his therapy he has been told to completely abstain from any sexual contact as he used that as a “coping mechanism”. Which is why he has said that he could not have a relationship. I just don’t want to end up jealous and ruin any chance of giving us a real go at some point especially if the jealousy was over nothing. I know he has known her since her first child was 1, so not sure if it’s a case of friends stepping up for each other as he makes out or if there is a chance that they have/will have a relationship together.

Show quote history

He's not supposed to be having sex, but he is and lies to his therapist about it?

And pretends not to date you?

Damn. I'm so sorry but he's just not that into you.

I'd also wonder if he wasn't the dad of his " friend's" kids.

It just seems too weird any other way.

User37482 · 24/12/2024 06:00

Honestly in my (limited admittedly) experience men who are in love try to take that woman off the market asap. If he’s not progressing your relationship it’s because he doesn’t want to. Don’t get taken over by the drama.

Yatzydog · 24/12/2024 06:24

Have you met his friend? Can you see how they interact?

But I agree with the PPs, he is lying to someone (everyone?) and basically having his cake, while you get stressed.

Shimmyshimmycocobop · 24/12/2024 06:25

I doubt a reputable therapist is going to tell someone not to have sex or a relationship during therapy, I think he's fed you a line, sorry.

Laf90 · 24/12/2024 06:33

The red flags are staring you in the face but your choosing to ignore them. It sucks when you like someone more than they like you. Don't waste your time and move on.

NiftyKoala · 24/12/2024 06:42

InkHeart2024 · 24/12/2024 05:13

Calling this woman's kids his 'adopted' kids when he was never in a relationship with their mum and they presumably have a father somewhere is weird, unboundaried and a red flag. He's not being a 'good guy' he's being a white knight. Beware men who have rescuer complexes, they rarely settle for a woman who has her shit together.

Op you seriously need to throw this one back. He is a time waster.

Sussurations · 24/12/2024 06:44

So this guy has an ex and two kids, a friend whose kids he’s either the father of or has a weird proprietorial attitude with, even though he has his own kids, and is economical with the truth, and clearly doesn’t want anything from you except sex?

Please, even if he’s literally the world’s best lover, have some self respect and run far, far away!

AwkwardJoop · 24/12/2024 06:56

I don’t think anyone here is going to be able to tell you to stick it out with him because it’s got red flags all over it, you know there are red flags but you don’t want to see them. You are afraid of ruining things - he isn’t. He is not the man for you. He won’t commit to you. He has you hanging on a string. You will just get hurt he won’t choose you

Bittenonce · 24/12/2024 06:59

More red flags than a Chinese Army Parade.

Joystir59 · 24/12/2024 07:06

I hope you listen to all the good advice given here and stop seeing this man. He is going to waste your time and mess with your head and give you nothing. This is not a relationship.

FancyNewt · 24/12/2024 07:11

Wake up OP.

He's lying to you.

He sees you as a convenient shag. He's trying to make you feel insecure by dangling the other woman there. Have you met this 'friend'? It's not normal to describe yourself as a father of your friends kids. All too weird.

Just, no.

In the bin..

Jostuki · 24/12/2024 07:30

'we have slept together multiple times and confessed that we are in love with each other. Yet still haven’t defined a relationship as he can’t commit to that while in therapy.'

I've read that several times and cannot believe that you think he actually loves you as he certainly doesn't have any respect for you.

I think then modern term for his feelings towards you would be the revolting but fitting term of 'fuck buddy'!

New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Swipe left for the next trending thread