How do you leave when you can’t?

[Anxiousaimee]

Hi all,
It’s so hard writing this. I’ve been married for 13 years and together with him for 17. We’ve been through the death of our baby daughter in 2016. We now have a son aged 6.
I am just not happy but I can’t bear the thought of messing up my son’s life (he loves the three of us being together). I can’t afford to own on my own if we separated. I love our current home and ideally I’d live here with my son but just can’t afford to.
There has been no cheating, no affairs. I don’t so much as flirt with anyone, I just feel like I can’t do this forever. He’s such an anxious man, at times tries to be a micromanager and as I suffer with anxiety it just makes me feel worse. I am starting to find my voice and there is often tension in the air now. It’s like I live with a bossy housekeeper at times, he likes things a certain way and I can hear him huffing or tutting when he’s cleaning up because I haven’t cleaned the way he likes.
He’s a good man, and everyone adores him but I’m just not happy. I dream of a life, me and my boy. To those who have left in circumstances where no one has done anything wrong, how did you do it? I would break everyone’s heart. Our families would be devastated. I just don’t know what to do except stay with him and go through the motions forever 😞

Ah sorry. I find that kind of behaviour very stressful too. Would he try counseling? Or for both of you? Do you want to try to make it work?

@Elizo he’s had counselling previously because he went through a period of being very negative about everything and he had counselling as he said he didn’t want to push me away.
Im not perfect or easy to live with. I can be lazy but I think I’m just more chilled than he is. In a way he’s more like the woman in the relationship and I’m like the man. It’s strange. To everyone he’s perfect and compared to some he is. He is an amazing father, our son worship la him completely and that just makes me feel worse for feeling like I do.

Have you both had therapy to process your bereavement? Have you tried couples therapy. If there’s not abuse then I would suggest it. Could it be that these issues stem from losing your daughter? What was your marriage like before she died? Was your husband always anxious or has this become apparent since your bereavement? I think there’s a lot to unpack here and I would try to do that before ending the marriage.

This seems so sad.
I'm assuming you were once happy together so is this something you can talk to him about?
Look at ways of making it work?

Maybe if he knew you are preparing to leave, he would get some therapy.

It is sad. We were once very happy, without grief and kids thrown in. Our babies death definitely escalated our anxiety. We’ve had years of counselling following the death of our daughter, together and separately, but for example, today he’s taking our boy out for an hour so I can clean. They are going to a very messy park. I chucked some joggers and a top on my son, not creased but not ironed. He waited until I went upstairs, took the clothes off our son and ironed them whilst huffing! He’s got a face like a slapped arse. I know it’s a very stressful time of year, but I manage to hide it when we are all together but I can see it in his face. He’s also moany as he stayed up very late but that’s his choice surely!
There is no abuse at all, no violence, no cheating. As I said, compared to other men he’s perfect and an amazing dad but I just don’t think I love him like I did, but I don’t know what to do about it 😞

@Anxiousaimee
I have to say that you've set the bar incredibly low, haven't you?
By definition, not every marriage where there is no abuse or cheating is a happy one. Surely you must know that happiness isn't defined by the absence of gross injustice?

Of all poor marriages, of course the ones with cheating or abuse are the poorest of all. But a marriage can still be empty and lonely even without those things.
Ask yourself, if you could go back to your single days and someone would offer you a blind date, saying: "he won't abuse you and he won't cheat on you. But that's about it. He'll criticise you, moan a lot, huff and puff, he's stubborn and acts superior and always wants to have things done his own way. He'll make you feel small and never good enough. Sounds like a catch, doesn't he?"
Would you have said yes? Or would you have preferred to stay single?