Will my marriage ever recover from the termination?

[Needthehelp9]

NC for this one and I’ll try and keep it brief!

DH and I have been married for 3 years, together for almost 12. We have a 2.5yo DD who we adore but I had awful PND after she was born and it took me a full year to get any help. My marriage struggled but we came out the other side.

In August 2023 I found out I was pregnant. It was a huge, huge shock. I was taking the pill but had missed one here or there, taking 2 to catch up. Our sex life wasn’t very frequent and honestly I just didn’t think it would happen, but it did. I had just about recovered from my PND and I was devastated. We had a just turned 1 year old at the time.

DH just kept saying it was my body, my choice etc and I knew I was in no mental state to have another child, I needed to pour everything into our DD. I kept asking him what he wanted and he said whatever I wanted, we would manage if I wanted to keep it and he understood if I didn’t. I chose a termination.

After this, DH became really depressed and after a huge argument it transpired he had wanted to keep the baby, but he never told me. I felt betrayed, guilty, but there was nothing more I could do, it was done. We stopped having sex. Since Aug 2023 we have slept together maybe 6 times and the last 3 times he hasn’t managed to keep an erection. We do still have a good relationship in that we laugh together, we parent our DD well, we do love each other but there’s just this huge, unspoken black hole now and I don’t know how to even bring it up anymore.

Is there any way to come back from this? Would therapy even help? I wish we could go back in time and I would take that pill religiously and undo it all, it haunts me too. Or is this just too much damage.

That’s so sad and such a difficult situation - I don’t know how you can resolve this other than getting some outside help. It’s good you still laugh together and parent well together 💐maybe time will be a healer

He sounds like he tried to do the right thing and not put any pressure on you at the time, but actually hasn't been and to live with the reality of what's happened. I think if you're to get past this you are going to both need counselling, and even then he may decided he really wants another child.

Sounds like the foundations of a good marriage are there. Couples therapy would be a good option. Really difficult situation for you both, but hopefully an issue you can overcome with some expert help. Sending hugs. Xx

I think he needs some individual therapy and then do couples together.
Don't blame yourself - you did what you needed to do and you need to stick by your decision and so does he.

That's so sad. He did exactly the right thing to keep his wishes to himself and let it be totally your choice.
You made the best decision you could with the information you had at the time. Don't second-guess yourself, you didn't do anything wrong. Even with the pill mixup you were doing the best you could, fighting off the mental onslaught of pnd is no mean feat, achieving perfect functionality for something like that is too much to expect, don't be hard on yourself.

It may be ok that he is grieving the possibility lost. It doesn't have to spell the end of the relationship if you can both perceive this grief as a legitimate emotion, that you both accept, and which neither of you experience as an attack on or blame of you. It may take somd counselling to achieve this.

Do you know now whether you'll ever want a 2nd child? If you don't feel ready for that yet, are you still relying on just the pill? If nothing much has changed in how you are managing contraception then the thought that a further pregnancy could happen again and end the same way could certainly be a big barrier for him.

Exactly what I wanted to say. He can't help the grief he feels but if he sees you as the cause of it then it needs addressing in therapy. Any chance he's perhaps carrying some grief/strain/resentment from the time you were ill? It happens to the best of us.

I'm really very sorry for everything you've been through

Ive been in this situation of an unplanned pregnant - and I’ve noticed that OH reacted the same as your DH - let me make the final decision - only to share their true feelings later.

I believe todays respectable man is aware that it’s a woman’s body and choice and he probably didn’t want to sway your decision making if you had your mind made up. I hope that eases the feelings of betrayal.

I think therapy for him, you and both as PP have adviced. And I really hope that one day you can open up and talk about it to get some closure and move on. Nobody knows how they will react after a termination.

Thank you everyone, this is such kind and lovely advice x