Fffs??

[Secretlyneedsmore]

So iv been on here before ...relationship stuff!! Iv been with oh 11 years, don't live together!! Awww he's grumpy n I have anxiety and he's tried but tonight we have had a big bust!!! I need advice plz ...so yesterday I was at his house!! Showed him photos off nice cocktails etc for Christmas day, even asked him to bring his cocktail maker n he said yeah cool ...today he phoned and asked ehatcto bring to Xmas dinner ??? I said a bottle? And got I'm not drinking ?? I told you yesterday?? ...eh no he didn't??? Now we have fallen out as I'm mad ...I have anxiety's...but he's making me worse n I'm dreading Xmas

Why did you have a big bust up? Does he always contradict you or deny things you said?

Not so much as he has been trying !! I just need a bit clarity?? I even showed him the cocktail photo's yesterday?? I'm happy to cook Xmas dinner n buy it !! But don't ask me what to bring ??? And say after yesterday I'm not drinking?? So why bring that? ? Omg I'm going to be up all night now ...

Why would you be up all night? He doesn’t have to drink if he doesn’t want to.

OP I've got no idea what's going on but you sound like your anxiety is really affecting you.

Do you have any strategies to deal with your anxiety? Herbal tea, magnesium, deep breathing, journalling, meditation, yoga etc

You might find that it helps to write all this down to get it out of your head. Drink some chamomile tea, perhaps listen to some calming music or ambient sound. Have a bath and try and relax.

If you need to talk this over with someone you could contact the Samaritans, they're available 24/7.

If your boyfriend doesn't listen to you, I can understand your frustration. Perhaps have a chat with him about it once you're calm.

It's really not clear what it is that he's done here.

How does the fact he doesn't want to drink, mean you are going to be up all night ?

Thanks so much xx

I'm not really clear about what happened but you have to remember your anxiety is your problem and yours alone.

No!!! So spoke to him yesterday!! Showed n shared cocktail photos ..I bought dome mixers n nice glasses etc told him so and he said ill have a couple off those drinks!!! They sound nice...so I purchased the stuff, went my christmas food shop ( which he's staying here for 3 nights!!!I spent £200 ...then oh phoned n asked what to bring ??? So I asked a bottle of anything!! To get well I'm. Not drinking so why? But fine ok !!! That's what I got??

He said the drinks looked nice. He didn’t ask you to spend that money. He doesn’t want to drink. You can. Why are you losing sleep over this??

Don't worry about it, he is just being a bit ... daft. He will bring a bottle, and if you don't want to drink it, just say 'Thanks! but I'll keep it for later' or something, and put it away.

I don't understand what is going on.

Spend some time educating yourself on how to write understandable posts and then come back.

No idea what this is all about to be honest...it's very hard to follow/understand.

Have you been drinking tonight?

Have you had a wee dram, OP?

I get it op and don't understand why others are struggling to get it.

My understanding is that you had a conversation about having cocktails on Christmas day, OH implied he was game and seemed keen to try them.

As a result you prepped and spent money on organising all Christmas food and the drinks. But now, OH is saying he isn't drinking. You're confused by this and you're trying to make sense of it all.

In another thread, people would say he's gaslighting you and that you deserve better, they'd question why he hasn't shown more commitment to you in 11 years and advise you to start to the new year by doing yourself the biggest favour in ending the relationship. You'd even get comments that his behaviour is likely to be contributing to your anxiety.

Please reread my last paragraph and let it help you to realise this isn't you, it's him. You do deserve better.

I have to agree with this. Whatever is going on it sounds like you don’t know whether you’re coming or going. If you feel that your anxiety started or got worse rather than better as a result of being in a relationship with this guy, then do yourself a favour and tell him you’re done with the relationship. Don’t be de-stabilised by someone fucking about from one minute to the next. As pp said, that is gaslighting and you don’t need that in your life. I hope your anxiety improves.

Has he prior form for gaslighting?

Eg: saying something then denying he said it and making it seem like you are crazy/were imagining things.

Worth noting that abusers like to ruin holidays and special occasions. Has he form for that? Doing and saying things at Christmas to cause arguments and upset?

I can see why your anxiety is going through the roof here. I hope you did managed to get some sleep OP.

I get it. You bought nice glasses, and all the alcohol because you were talking with him about making some lovely cocktails for christmas day and he seemed all onboard. You even bought all the food, spent £200 as he is staying with you for 3 days and he is now asking you what to bring!

1. Tell him not to bring anything - his half of the cost is £100 instead and if he isn't drinking he should of informed you of that before you coughed up money to make nice cocktails etc together (which he agreed to!)
2. Also tell him - he is coming to stay for 3 days, has had everything arranged, food will be cooked for him and if he can't fathom what the hell to bring, then he must be more thick than you first thought. Honestly. why is it on YOU to tell HIM what to bring! Tell him to use his imagination.
3. If he has decided he isn't drinking and so he won't bring so much a single bottle of wine. tell him YOU are drinking and as you have prepped, shopped and will be doing the entirety of christmas on your own without his help (it seems), the least he can do is bring YOU a goddamn bottle of wine!