Infuriating mother

[mincepieanyone500]

Hi all - please can I have some advice on this situation as I am at a loss for what's the correct thing to do.
Being going low contact with my narcissistic mother for about 2 years now. Long back story but having help with the past etc.
In November I messaged my mother if she would like to come to me for Christmas Day dinner. When I messaged I used the sentence "I was wondering" apparently that is not an invite, and that's no way to speak to your mother. This is her reason given to my 2 other siblings for not replying or even acknowledging the invite.
So it was arranged that she would go to my other sibling on Xmas day.
This was all communicated to me via siblings.
Fast forward to today and she has messaged me " I was wondering if I can come to you on Christmas Day for dinner"
This does mean I will have to make a 2 hr round trip on the day.
She also messaged my sibling saying she wants to see my son ( whom she saw on Saturday)
No acknowledgment of me or my OH - who she refuses to call by his name.. as she decided when she first met him over 2 years ago, she wasn't going to call him by his actual name.
Lots more to this - but my ask is: do I let her come?

Absolutely not. I have no idea why u would have invited her in the first place. That is not a version of low contact. Stop dancing to her tune.

Nope. She's pulling your strings at the 11th hour because she thinks that you'll cave and then she's won. Why should your DH spend Christmas Day with someone who's so hostile to him?

Thank you for replying- I need to hear this!

Very welcome!

@TheHorticulturalHussy - this exactly - my OH is nothing but kind and patient with her. He has said he will support in any decision I make - the man is a saint lol and yet she still says the most hurtful things about him - ie he's fat, old etc ( he's 2 years older than me btw)

I’m not sure why you were even considering having her for Christmas dinner given what you’ve described! In any case I’d tell her that when you didn’t get a response and heard she was going to your sibling, you made other plans and it’s too late now.

I wonder has your sibling uninvited her or is she now pissing them about at the last minute? Anyway it sounds like you’ll have a much better Christmas without her.

She can't call someone old and fat and then expect to go to their house for Christmas dinner.

my blood boiled for you reading this.
do what she did to you. Don’t reply.
then when she asks why say ‘well you started the message with ‘i was wondering’ and so I just ignored it as apparently that’s what you’re meant to do, isn’t it mother?
I mean - don’t do this but it would be nice.
just say ah we’re so sorry but we’ve got a our plans tied up now but have a wonderful Christmas and xx (son) sends his love.
them block her until 27th

I'm sorry that she has (deliberately) put you in this position but from what you have said you have a wrecking ball of a mother who delights in creating pointless drama.

Maybe ...
" No Wrecking Ball, we have decided that we won't accommodate you changing your mind at this late stage. It's rude and manipulative. Suggest we all stick to the original plan and have the Christmases that we want"

I would do exactly what she did. Ignore and don’t respond but I’ve reached my limit of other people being twats.

Oh thank you all so much for your replies- my head just can't think straight- so many years of being told I am "in the wrong".
She has messed my sibling around - you are correct - so everyone's plans are disrupted.
I am going to reply - no response was a response and we have made plans, enjoy your day. Feeling stronger to do this now -x

“It would have been lovely to see you mum but we’ve made other plans now that we aren’t able to change at this late hour”.

I honestly don't think that you should say or even imply that you regret that you can't have her. You were LC for many reasons it seems.

Ignore and do not respond

Youve basically received the Special Training to put her first with your own needs dead last.

it is not possible to have a relationship with someone this disordered if thinking. You all need to stay away from her.

Look at and post in the current Well we took you to Stateky Himes thread on these Relationships pages.

Certainly do not send the message along the lines that other poster Norman wrote whatever you do. You are low contact with her anyway for good reason. She was not a good parent to you and she has not changed in all the years since.

Absolutely not. She is a toxic, gaslighting nightmare.

@mincepieanyone500 obviously she has fallen out with your sister!!! ask your sister what has happened!! enjoy your day without her!!

Unless you’re prepared to go NC there needs to be some level of cordiality when you communicate. I’ve only spoken to my dad once or twice a year for the past decade or so, so I do have some experience of setting boundaries while maintaining a LC relationship.

Absolutely not . Stand up for yourself and your husband . I’d respond being honest with something like ‘ you didn’t respond to my invite before so I’ve not made plans for you here , also I’ve decided that someone who calls my husband fat , old and has no respect for him is not welcome at our table ‘ be honest with her , not passive . Enjoy your stress free , well deserved Christmas , and guilt free !

No. You need to firm up your boundaries, fast. Don't keep letting her get away with treating you like shit. Not calling your OH by his name - wtf?

I loathe the idea that you have to respect your parents just because they're your parents. Respect has to be earned.