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Nephews in foster care

8 replies

Aturasu · 23/12/2024 15:55

Hi, I was just looking for some guidance and advice.

My brother passed away just over a year ago and left behind 4 kids (the eldest 2 are definitely his, the other 2 we don't think are) we only saw the kids on occasion since his passing as thier mother lived a while away and she had limited contact with us. 6 months ago we heard the kids had been put into temporary foster care with the outcome now looking like it's permanent.

We was hoping anyone would be able to share any guidance on the processes and who we would need to contact to arrange visiting for the kids as we no longer have contact with thier mother. And when we did she would be very difficult in allowing us to see the children.

OP posts:
Lillixyng · 23/12/2024 16:15

You will need to contact Children’s Services in your own area first. If they think it is appropriate they will contact the Children’s Services for the LA where the children are living. This will be a very long process with no guarantee that it you will be successful. The longer it takes, the less successful it will be.

In the meantime think very carefully about what level of contact and support you are prepared to give. You know that the children will be vulnerable to enormous harm if things don’t work out. Put yourself into the future of these children not being grateful orphans. They could be emotionally disturbed, destructive or violent.

Please don’t think I am over dramatising, possibly you have already given thought to this.

Aturasu · 23/12/2024 16:31

Thank you for the reply.

I will look into contacting children's services and get them to advise further. We Did have a good relationship with the kids and I just want them to know that we are here and still want to see them, that we haven't just forgot about them.

Whilst we are not in any position to take the kids into our care, we still want to be apart of thier lives and support them in anyway we can.

OP posts:
Avoidingthetwitch · 23/12/2024 16:38

I would contact their LA. Social services are usually very keen to place children/link with wider family, and it’s surprising they haven’t contacted you already.

Hibernatingtilspring · 23/12/2024 23:07

Be prepared that they may be initially reluctant about you seeing the children - children in foster care often have a lot of broken relationships and unfortunately extended family can sometimes push for contact because it's their 'right' to see the kids, but then those extended family pop along to see them then leave that visit, to go back to their own lives, leaving the kids a bit bewildered. They might not have a great understanding of who you are at this point, depending on their ages and that you were limited in how much mum let you see them.

I would think very carefully about what you think you could offer to the children and commit to and then approach social services in the area they are living , if you know it (no point going to your local area, if they have no involvement with the family) Contact the safeguarding hub/mash/single access point, explain who you are and that you believe the children have a social worker and ask for your details to be passed on. You might have to be a little persistent, social workers are stupidly overworked, it's not personal if they don't call you back first time.

Social workers (and foster carers) are usually supportive if you can show that you are doing it for the benefit of the child, and that you are willing to be consistent. Eg would you be ok with sharing information about their dad, photos, what he was like etc, even if they weren't ready to see you? Would you be willing to meet up for short visits regularly to build their trust? Would you be prepared if the children only wanted to see you with their foster carer, or only some of the children wanted to see you?

I have worked with children where extended family wanted to get involved but expected the children to behave as though nothing had happened - that they should just be ready to be collected by them, go on a day trip no questions asked and be fine with it. Or to go visit dying grandad in hospital, play the dutiful cute grandkid and then be dropped back home. Or would visit the child, promise to visit again and let them down and just ghost. Apologies if I sound cynical, I'm sure you have good intentions and I don't mean to put you off, just for you to be aware why social workers and foster carers can be somewhat protective of children who are in this situation and what you might need to take into consideration. Having supportive, consistent, unconditional relationships is the best thing for any child in care but they sadly often are let down.

You mention things are being made permanent, if so it's unlikely you would be asked at this stage if you wanted to care for them (there is a window during proceedings where those assessments are agreed usually) however you may be asked if you would want to be considered in future, just by prepared to be asked and to say no & why - it's very common for family to wish they could but not actually be able to do so, eg because if the commitments of their own children, not having space, work commitments etc. However that doesn't mean you can't be involved, whether its for visits, trips out, or sleepovers if it were possible.

Good luck with it

CloudyGladys · 23/12/2024 23:45

You also need to be prepared that, with there being 4 of them, the children may not be placed together so the logistics of keeping in touch will involve more than one family and the priority will be to maintain the relationships between the children themselves.

youmaybesurprised · 23/12/2024 23:56

Name changed for this ...

I'm a foster carer.

I think some people may be surprised that children's services try to encourage contact with extended family even when, at times, I don't always feel it's the right thing.

Contact them. Hopefully they will help!

H112 · 24/12/2024 08:11

That's so sad why didn't anyone in the family take them in

leia24 · 24/12/2024 08:19

You just need to contact children's services in the area they were living with their parents. A social worker will come out to meet you. You need to think about what kind of relationship you had before and if you only just found out now that they're in foster care, are you really close family? It's completely different to just calling in to see relatives once a year when kids live at home with their parents and the emotional impact of relatives popping up and disappearing can be significant

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