Miscarriage - how best to support DH/each other

[inthebosc]

Last week DH and I found out we'd had a missed miscarriage (MMC) at our 12 week scan, and he has been really struggling since. It's awful to see him like this and i'm wondering how I can best support him at the moment.

I think part of the difficulty is that overall I am pushing on with things fairly normally and this is possibly coming across to him as denial/lack of feeling. It's obviously been an awful shock but I kind of feel like I just need to keep going. We have a toddler and the day after the scan I had my usual day off with him so already needed to be as normal as possible. Things were then really busy at work trying to wrap deadlines up for Christmas and again I felt like I just needed to get through that. We also still have the actual miscarriage to come - it's not fully underway yet - so I feel like I need to get past that.

I'm trying to keep him talking when he wants to and to validate how he's feeling but I feel like it's coming across a bit patronising for me to say it's understandable for him to take compassionate leave when the idea of taking time off work at the moment is stressing me out more. It's just really hard to see him struggling like this - thanks for any wise words.

Why don’t you ask him how you can support him?

sorry for your loss as well.

I work in pregnancy OP I’m very sorry for your loss

What’s coming out to me is that you haven't got time to grieve or be upset as you’re too busy and now your comforting him.

Please take a moment to recognise that this is physically happening to you. Yes he may well need sympathy - but don’t put yourself last in this - you still have things to manage with this pregnancy.

Take a breath and step back from supporting only him and focus on yourself. You’re suppressing all your pain, grief and it will rear its head in other ways if you carry on.

This is mainly about you. And it’s ok to say ‘I’m struggling myself at the moment and need help also’

PANDAs also support dads - maybe point him to their if he is taking too much from you.

I’m going to give him the benefit of the doubt incase he really is struggling but I’m also a little inclined to worry that it’s slightly narcissistic for him to place himself in the centre of this - when honestly it really is all about you 💐

Thank you all for the replies. Sorry if my post was a little jumbled!

To be clear, DH has been great and primarily concerned with making sure that I'm ok and that DS won't pick up on anything. When I say struggling I mean understandable things like finding it harder to concentrate at work, feeling upset when things remind him of plans we'd been making. He's prone to depression and there is some hopelessness creeping into some of what he's saying - i.e. he's finding it hard to come to terms with it maybe not working out with getting pregnant again.

He's saying this because I'm encouraging him to keep talking. But I'm not sure my head's there yet in terms of thinking about the future, which is making me feel a bit unsupportive, like what I'm saying is a bit hollow. With the compassionate leave for example, he said he thought it would help and asked if he was silly to take it. I said (and thought) definitely not silly - definitely take it! But when he asked if I would too I had to say I felt more stressed at the idea of having to hand over my work and brief other people that just quietly get on with it.

In terms of what's going with me I think you're probably exactly right @Einaldilastcup - I don't feel like I have time to process things at the moment and need to get through the last of the other bits that are bothering me (e.g. work) so I'm ready to go through the physical side of things (which is progressing very slowly).

Maybe this is all normal for shared grief - people deal with it differently but we just have to keep talking to each other?

I addressed this above but just want to be super clear - no - absolutely the opposite. I really agree with him taking it.

I'm so sorry to hear you are going through this. From experience you have a difficult time ahead.

For me the reality really kicked in (and the hormones) once the miscarriage started. I was t able to go back to work for 3 weeks as I couldn't hold it together well enough.

I was grieving a child but also 12/14 weeks of plans, a changed future and all that comes with that. It's a big adjustment, and this maybe how your partner is feeling.

As per a previous poster said PANDAS also helps dads too so you could give him the information on that. You are doing well in keeping the lines of communication open with him. But you do have a difficult time coming up yourself.

You may not want to hear it but I did fall pregnant quickly after my miscarriage as you are more fertile. But take it one day at a time see how you feel and prepare well, I know how tough it can be x

This is a really off response. What evidence do you have that her DH’s emotions aren’t legitimate and genuine? Listen to what OP is asking for help for. She is a grown adult and can identify her feelings.

Not all women badly struggle emotionally with miscarriage.