Where do i start......

[Nosey4321]

Long time watcher of Mumsnet but recent events have made me want to post.

This is a long thread so i apologise in advance, I will refer to my partner as OH.

I go back 3 years and i was in heaven, both working decent jobs enough to fund a non lavish lifestyle where we could basically do what we wanted, Great relationship and intimacy levels even though there was an age gap of 15 years between us (youngest being 35 years old).

We then by accident conceived a child and although was a real shock we didn't want to go down any other route than keep it, with son being born in 2022, this is where things started to go wrong.......

As we both worked (at the same company) and with no family to help with childcare the company agreed we could both work full time on completely opposite shifts which meant that for 7 days a week only one of us would be at work and the other looking after child.

Since the birth date we have never been out together without the child, no date nights, no intimacy (not once) and only ever talked about work, a long stretch from the life we had.

Then in November work decided to hold a works night out around the local city and we both really wanted to be there and managed to find a babysitter to help facilitate this, we would both be leaving early but was a welcome break. On that night OH drank heavily in the first two bars and was in a bit of a state with me taking it a little more steady. We get to the fifth bar and two work colleagues offered cocaine to my OH saying it would calm them down from the drink which i flatly refused and they accepted.

On leaving the fifth bar my OH went to the toilet and was quite a while so i went to see if they were ok, i found my OH in a cubicle with a work colleague taking cocaine and "cheating" although not the full hog (if that makes sense), i was instantly heart broken my world just fell apart. That night we argued about lots of things mainly about the last three years and OH was sorry for what they had done (but maybe more sorry that they were caught). My whole has been affected with work now seeing me as a a joke and my home life in ruins.

Roll on 4 weeks into December and we have agreed to split with us selling the house and going our separate ways which i am devastated about. I have offered to try and work things out but this was turned down flat by OH saying that "this was a long time coming", i had no idea.

I'm not sure what i want from this post, whether its a hand hold, to highlight potential relatable issues, advice or even for someone to tell me to grow up and get on with it but i think the reason for me posting is that soon it will be Christmas day and for the first time in my life i will wake up with no presents to open, no company on the day and no Christmas dinner and although in some respects I'm lucky to have a roof over my head, a decent job but i would trade it all for what i had. Ive kept the child out of the picture as that brings other issues that are fairly generic in context of a break up.

I thankyou for reading this far and i truly hope your xmas will be all you want it to be.

Ah, sweetheart - I’m so sorry. Do you feel you could do a few things for yourself to make the day feel a bit special? Doesn’t have to be traditional Christmas stuff. Get a pizza and ice cream, or whatever food is comforting for you. Find a movie you’ve really been wanting to watch. Stock up on a few indulgent snacks, snuggle up on the sofa with a hot water bottle, and watch some light, escapist TV shows.

Your OH behaved like an ass. Anyone at work who sees you as “a joke” needs to give their head a wobble. OH is the one they should be looking down on, for their disgusting behaviour towards you.

You need time to grieve the relationship and get back on your feet. Take the opportunity of a break over Christmas to rest and do some self care. You don’t mention whether you’re male or female. If you’re male, you may have been conditioned to think that “self care” is a women’s thing - but it isn’t at all. Ttreat yourself gently and do things that will make you feel calm and comforted. In a way, you need to split yourself in two: the adult part needs to take control and organise things so that the child part can feel safe and start to heal.

Take care, OP. I hope things start to feel better soon.

So difficult to infer anything from this post because of the deliberate way in which it is worded.
Observations though:
Age gaps are never a good idea.
The OP's partner appears to have behaved very badly.
The OP appears to feel hard done by due to lack of sex.
Their son is referred-to as "it" and "the child"

What a horrific experience; I'm so sorry. I agree with the first poster: treat Xmas as a relaxing day off where you get to do whatever you want. A roast, a curry, fish and chips, whatever you like best. Wrap yourself some gifts today so you've got something to open on the day. I've spent a few Christmases alone, and I find a bracing walk on the beach or up a hill really helps lift my mood in the middle of winter. Or if you prefer, a long hot bath. Treat yourself like your own best-friend!

Have you told your friends what's happening? You might have friends or neighbours who would love you to drop in after lunch for a mulled wine or a cuppa. You probably feel really vulnerable, so now is the time to lean on the people who love you. If you do have a massive lonely cry on Christmas Day, just let it happen. You are grieving, you are suffering the trauma of betrayal, and you need to let yourself feel it so that it can pass. You are definitely not the only person alone on Xmas Day, and it's only one day. It'll be over soon.

Yes your correct it is worded carefully, not to deceive but for two reasons, 1 - to not make my gender known and 2 - to remove the child from the equation, not because i dont love him but as far as the relationship goes he doesn't need to be an influence.

One thing i left out is that in total we have been together 11 years

Thankyou! The work things is important as i hold a "position" in a toxic work environment and things like this are fuel on an already raging fire and everyone and i mean everyone knows about it in detail.

At the moment things that were said during the albeit short arguing stage were cutting and very deep, i was such a confident, funny, likeable person and now feel like im just a nobody to anyone - thats not attention seeking just being honest about how i feel.

Thankyou, As with a lot of relationships over a period of time friends get set aside (wrong i know) but at times like this to be honest i dont have any outside of work.

I cry a lot and cant even look in the mirror never mind be my own best friend, ive just shoved everyone away in the last few weeks and shut the door just to cope day to day.

I sound a little pathetic i know but im not handling this well at all

I have offered to try and work things out but this was turned down flat by OH saying that "this was a long time coming", i had no idea.

He's right though. How can you say you had no idea and also say this:

Since the birth date we have never been out together without the child, no date nights, no intimacy (not once) and only ever talked about work, a long stretch from the life we had.

I had an idea the relationship wasn't great, I didn't realise it was a long time coming, the focus since the birth has been on keeping stable finances as post covid things have gone crazy, and im fully aware that after the birth of a child things can go downhill but not to a point where this kind of action was required.

I would either have a nice day with my child or share the day with my ex for the child sake. If none are something I could do. I would see friends if I fancied entertaining and they were free or just get some nice comfort food in or a take away and binge watch something. I would buy myself some nice pjs to wear on Christmas Eve/Day.

But for 2 years you have talked about nothing but work. Surely you must have known this was a huge problem in your relationship. That is a long time to just be going through the motions. Maybe it's not too late but it would probably help to acknowledge that the relationship has been neglected.

I think the pp is completely incorrect.

I don't think the op can be blamed for the fact that their partner/spouse was taking drugs and having some sort of fling with a colleague in a toilet....who could ever see that coming?

Yes relationships suffer/change/whatever during those busy baby years but then the affected partner could do with trying to approach the other parent and saying they don't feel connected any more...not heading off to do lines with someone else at a work do?

I'm sorry op

Xmas eve tomorrow: I'm prescribing you a fresh set of pjs, a book, a dash to get the comfort food of your choice, and a walk or drive to see the Christmas lights on houses nearby if you have toddler in tow. I get my own gifts now, and I eat my own veggie Xmas dinner and have a nice tea cup set which I keep for Christmas Irish hot chocolate. Not sure if you're male or female but tweek as applicable. Youve got time, treat yourself.

I have not said that she is to blame. I have said that I am surprised that she had no idea that their relationship wasn't great based on what she said:

Since the birth date we have never been out together without the child, no date nights, no intimacy (not once) and only ever talked about work

That's not a relationship. I don't know how she didn't see a break up coming.

I am hardly qualified to advise , just posted my own life story on a thread here about how I regret so many life choices - so just handhold and hugs OP , this too shall pass ......

Just one other thing and I say this in a well meaning and hoping this helps - but if your OH is a male and the 15 years younger one and this is a hetero relationship (lots of ifs there as you wanted to word it carefully) - then statistics were totally against you - there was very very little statistically possibility of something like this not happening - and its nothing you did or didnt do , or could have done other than the fact that they let you think your relationship could beat the odds (led you on). take care of yourself and your son. You are well out of it dont worry.

Thankyou for all your responses and support, I would like to add (and i do apologise if i have mislead anyone in anyway) that i am the older male of the relationship.

The reason i kept this information is that i have been brought up in a "don't cry otherwise ill give you something to cry about" upbringing and reading relationship issue threads for a while there is a distinct difference (rightly or wrongly) in the responses for males to females.

Xmas day didn't go as badly as i thought and i took some of your advice and got some comfort food and although no presents to open that's not the end of the world in the grand scheme of things, i also just relaxed and didn't get upset.

Yes in hindsight there were issues with the relationship but i was caught out by the sheer ferocity of what happened and the aftermath that my brain couldn't cope with so much change in such a short space of time. As for work i have requested under the circumstances that i change site which they have agreed (in principal) to do which gets me out of the way a little.

Financially i am secure so im very lucky in this day and age to be in a position where i have options, Also in hindsight i have isolated myself from real friends believing that the relationship was the be all and end all, i will make steps to change this in the new year.

The age gap was never really an issue up until the pregnancy for the 8 years prior to that we were unbelievable together but it goes to show that no one should ever be fully trusted (or at least keep your guard up) - i cant ever see myself trusting anyone again which is a shame but probably the correct action for me.

Again thankyou to all that have read/ participated in this thread you cannot underestimate what good you guys bring.