Christmas and NC with parents

[Asiama]

I'm just venting here because I don't want to bring people in real life down with my thoughts.

I have my own lovely little family, kids excited about Christmas, house decorated, presents done, Christmas music playing in the house. Everything is perfect on paper and ready for the big day.

Yet here I am, sitting on the stairs on my own feeling depressed, because I'm so sad that I can't share Christmas with my parents. They are toxic and I chose to go NC for the sake of my children. And even if we weren't NC, as they are super religious, they would only come to us on a day where there's no church service on at their own church, bring their own sandwiches as our food isn't good enough, criticise us for pretty much everything, make the kids feel uncomfortable, and after leaving write us a long email about what poor parents we are and how sad they are to see our state, because we aren't doing things they deem is the right way.

I feel jealous to the point of tears when I see three generations of families sitting together at our church for Christmas. I wish we could be happy together with my parents like that, but it's never going to happen.

That sounds so incredibly difficult and understandable that you are grieving for the parents you deserved and didn’t have. I think maybe allow yourself a set amount of time to sit with your sad feelings, then try and move on and enjoy your children. Be proud and take comfort in the fact that you are creating a Christmas for your family that you never had. When they are grown, they will have the generations of family celebrating with them and that’s because of you and your strength to change things around. Life is short, so acknowledge your sadness then and try and move forward and grab every bit of happiness you can. Best wishes

Thank you for your kindness. I had a little cry and it's now mostly in the back of my mind again. My Christmases at home weren't great. We didn't have much money but that didn't matter, it's the fact that I didn't matter. Presents were things that my mum felt I should be interested in or things she wanted for herself and therefore bought me so she could tick off that my present was sorted. Rationally it doesn't make sense that I miss them, and I will take my joy from my own family who I know love me.

They are still your parents so it’s completely understandable. However, you are amazing, as although you feel sad, you are still making a fabulous Christmas for your own family.
Tell yourself (out loud if you can) how well you’re doing and how brave you are.
You sound very grateful for your own family too, and that can be helpful in these situations.
Sending you strength and lots of Christmas cheer.