3 years on and no progression

[UmberRaven]

Hi all. I have been dating a man for 3 years, I have 1 child from a previous relationship and he has 5 kids from 2 previous relationships. We get along great, however, he shows no signs of changing his life. 3 of his kids are teenagers but 2 are 8 and 9 year old girls, my daughter is 10. My problem is that he is very protective of his kids and seems to base his life around the 2 youngest ones. His ex is a nightmare, she has tried and tried to break us up time after time, she refused me seeing his kids for the first 2 years and even now I know he is afraid to rock the boat with her and so keeps contact of me and his girls to a minimum. My problem is that I'm lonely, I work full time and come home to my daughter and dog, I rarely see him as he works shifts and when he doesn't work he has his kids for his time off. There's no sign of him changing and trying to progress and after 3 years I'm fed up and questioning whether to stick it out with him until he decides to move in together which we have spoke about but seeing as he's just remortgaged his house on a 5 year fixed rate doesn't seem likely. I am not happy in this relationship even though I do love him and he's very caring and affectionate and if the kids were older or he was more willing to integrate our lives there would be no problem but the way he is it would seem I will be single and living alone for the foreseeable. All around me friends are seeing new people and moving in together and I'm still stuck in a stationary relationship, my question is do I stay or go. I am a young 50 and feel a bit lost. Any help or advice would be appreciated.

OP, you have my sympathies. I've been there: you're in a relationship on paper. Imagine your life another three years down the line - can you truthfully see that there would be any difference? He's not willing to budge. You've said that you're lonely and unhappy. That is a desolate feeling when you're ostensibly in a couple. At least when you're single, you can fully understand why you feel lonely. When someone else makes themselves unavailable to you, that loneliness is unbearable.

Since he shows no signs of changing your options are: (a) break off the relationship, or (b) stay knowing that he'll be prioritizing his kids for roughly the next 10 years or so.

I think you have to be realistic here. The man has five (!) children, two of them being quite young. He's dealing with two different mothers, working full time...I think he has very little time right now for a committed relationship. You can hardly blame him for trying to be an involved parent, but you're not going to be getting his full attention.

Personally I've found that being in a relationship with someone who can't (or won't) make me a priority is far lonelier than just being on my own.

I think when you get to this stage of life it would be difficult finding a man to cohabit with that would similarly have kids still or just not relationship worthy at all, remember how hard to find anyone when single? Not an easy decision, you know you'll be waiting for a good few years yet or if he was that motivated, he would just go ahead and live with you regardless of what his ex says, on the other hand no guarantees you'll find a partner worthy of settling down with if you decide to be single and looking, go with which ever way you feel more drawn towards, perhaps you're just not quite ready to make either direction yet.

Sounds perfect to me. What exactly do you want to progress to? You have your own place to live. A young child to care for. You have a job and you have a nice guy to have sex and fun with every so often who isn't expecting you to be some kind of mother to his kids. Who cares what your friends are doing? I think you need a change of perspective.

I think that OP probably would like a relationship with her partner, not just a FWB situation that has gone on for three years.

OP I understan totally. A relationship is having someone to come home to, to talk about your random day while one of you is making the tea, to share the running a a house and family, to spend the evenings with, to share a life with. Dating is getting to know the person and their family, having fun days out but each then returning to their own space. You seem to be stuck in the 'dating' pharse. The thing is that he might possible have more time for his five kids if you were both living together as he wouldn't have to be finding extra time to see you too!!
I think that you need to have a frank discussion with him about what his expectations are of a relationship. It sounds like he is quite happy with a FWB relationship whereas you thought you'd be further along by now.

Agree, it sounds great to me. You get to concentrate on your daughter at an age when she still needs you & he is doing the right thing by his younger kids.

Enjoy the time when you come together but make the most of your independence too.

Sounds perfect to not move some unrelated male in to your child's home.

If you must move a man in you'll need to pick a different boyfriend, this one is rightly prioritising the massive amount of kids he produced.

Having 5 kids from 2 previous relationships is a lot to handle, good on him for prioritising his children and for not ditching his kids for another relationship . You don’t have to hang around for anyone, your daughter is in need of your care and attention which is going to be compromised the minute you move another man in with you…. only you can decide if he’s worth waiting around for . Most single parents get lonely but being lonely is far better than moving the wrong man into your lives.