In-laws behaviour , honestly is it me ?

[twinklehastwonkled]

I've reached a point where I've had enough of feeling controlled , or is it me ?
Been with husband 22 years , two children , I teen other 9 year old .
We live a two hour drive away and used to make effort to see them when children small but tbh once they had half an hour they would just talk about themselves and practically ignore me and our children . As the children got older we stopped taking them and they were welcomed to visit us when they wanted , this maybe 2 times a year and again children practically ignored while my husband / their son giving 100%.
I've never stopped my husband seeing them , he goes to them , catches up with old friends , even gone away with them . But I've said I don't want to go with him , I'm happy staying at home with our children . This has worked though I still think he does too much for them sometimes.

This year I suggested they come to us on New Year's Day after he spent 2 days up with them . They have now booked 5 days in a hotel and want to spend New Year's Eve with them . We had plans for those other days that they can't fit in with . Tickets for things etc . New Year's Eve is a time when we do things with our children that they really love and tbh if they came it would be me and children in one room while they do what they want and my husband would be stuck between us . His parents especially his father is very dominant , he would want his tv on , not child friendly .

I'm feeling really bad because I've told my husband that it's not how I want to spend my NYE , he's suggested to them about making plans but they've booked a hotel etc and seem to think they can spend it with us .

Honest opinions and suggestions please

It is perfectly reasonable for you to say that you have plans and follow through on them.

Your husband needs to tell them.

Thanks , his mum has v poor mental health which he grew up with , he just can't say no for fear of her becoming ill again . I sympathise I really do but I feel that I want a choice too

Poor mental health as in self diagnosed manipulative behaviour? Sounds like it. Keep to your plans.

No bi polar . Genuine . Tbh she's easier than his dad

I think you could suck it up for one evening for your husband tbh.

I have sucked it up many times , this is first time I've stood up and said it doesn't suit me to change our plans . He is going to suggest they make own plans . Who accepts an invite to dinner then books a 5 day hotel stay as well without any discussion. , they do obvs

@twinklehastwonkled has been sucking it up for over 20 years tbf @ForFunAmberDeer

Their invite is for New Year's day @twinklehastwonkled

This year, NYE is for you and your family, you are not unreasonable, at all. Spend it with your children.

Thankyou , eldest is working till 10 then joining us before going to a party , this is the first year where she will not be with us at midnight so it's more for youngest xxxx

Didn't you say you don't bother to visit them any more? Regardless your husband and his parents are part of the family too. I thinks it's bonkers to suggest to your own parents to sod off on nye no matter how annoying they are

Can never be told no ..that seems rather dubious we all get told no to things throughout our lives.

Who on earth books 5 days in a hotel expecting to spend it with people without checking that those people are free?
If your fil is that bad, I would say you have plans for New Year’s Eve. Maybe see them on the 2nd as well as New Year’s Day as a compromise.

No I don't always visit them , I'm not rude I just think as it's my husbands parents it's him they want to see , not me or their grandchildren unfortunately.
Why should we spend NYE with them when they weren't invited !!!

You are all part of the same family? Frankly they don't know your children or you as they see you rarely and you don't enjoy visiting them. Do you think they pick up on those vibes? Of course they are most interested in their son, be fair op you are more interested in your kids than them? It's a very strange attitude that they are nothing to do w you?

Do you spend much time with your parents/family?

He's caught up in the FOG (Fear, Obligation and Guilt).
Fear that if he does or even sometimes if he doesn't follow through on something, another thing will happen - in this case if he doesn't go or if he says no, his mother will become ill again.
Obligation into doing stuff that he may not want to do simply because, or in his case because his father has a dominant personality.
Guilt is rolled into the fear part of the FOG.

He is not responsible for either his father or his mother or their health. That should be made very clear to him so whatever he decides to do, it shouldn't be because he thinks she might become ill again if he says no to something.

He's constantly living in the "What if???" scenario.

He is also showing his kids that he isn't strong enough to stand up to his parents even though he is an adult and a parent himself. That's fine role model stuff right there.

I would be asking him to, on this one occasion to put the kids and you ahead of his parents. Saying no to them the first time will be the hardest and it does get easier. He has to make the start though.

I think you need to make a stand as they will just continue doing it. They clearly thinks it all about them, with lots of main character syndrome @twinklehastwonkled

I say this as someone whose mother likes to book visiting, then only discusses it with me afterwards. She’s done it twice in less than a year, it’s like she doesn’t recognise annual leave, weekends, professional commitments. Last time l said it’s not convenient and please stop doing this. Relations are frosty but there you go 🤷‍♀️. Life is busy. I work full time, have 2 under 2 and study. I can’t drop everything at the whim of someone else. Someone who has all the time in the world, with no commitments. Not my fault they don’t want to discuss dates and review calendars like normal people

He is also showing his kids that he isn't strong enough to stand up to his parents even though he is an adult and a parent himself. That's fine role model stuff right there

These are his parents. Isn't it just possible that he legitimately wants to see them as he cares for them despite their flaws and foibles?

I think he's caught between his (imperfect) parents and a wife that would rather pretend they don't exist.

Who extends a NYD invite to people they don't even like?

I mean I know you did but obviously they're going to think they're, you know, welcome, when you've gone out of your way to invite them.

Surely he can simply agree to meet with them for a couple of hours on Xmas day, then maybe a couple of hours another one or two days/evenings when they're in the hotel.
It's fine for you to excuse yourself And just do other stuff with the kids or your mates/family. He can go to them for a bit at the hotel or at an activity. Don't let it spoil your holidays.
You don't want to see them and that's fine. He can make his arrangements how he wishes with them. It's his responsibility to try and appease them, not yours.

Is her fragile mental health the direct result of being married to your FIL?

So basically your NYE plans are you, your husband and your 9 year old (as eldest will be out with friends) doing...??

If you're just staying at home it doesn't seem that unreasonable to have your husband's parents over, even if it's just for a couple of hours.

Exactly that. But still there's no harm in the OP ringing the MIL and saying it's a hard-no, likewise it's not wrong to fit them in now that they're coming to the area.

This is what happens when everything goes through someone else because it's "his" parents or whatever. Load of crap. I don't care if it's outdated, I grew up in a society where the women did all the arranging because the men were too spineless to say what needed to be said, and couldn't be trusted not to eff the whole thing up anyway.

I know we've moved on and there's more equality now, and this is the price we pay for it - we can't have it both ways.

Well done OP, stick to your guns.
You offered lunch, not 5 days.