Struggling with NYE and birthday as longer term single

[Lucylucy90]

I'm probably looking to vent and for support rather than advice but would interested to hear everyone's takes on my situation!

I've been single since late 2017 so around 7 years (I’m turning 34 at the end of this year). It wasn't a great relationship in a lot of ways - he was unfaithful and manipulative, and I left that 3-year relationship feeling very drained and depressed, but also missing him terribly as we had so many good moments too. Manipulative people aren't horrible all the time which is what makes it so difficult to leave. I have dated since then but nothing has stuck for a variety of reasons (they or I didn't want to make the relationship official, if I'm being honest I get rejected more at the 'what are we' stage and I probably reject more at the first/second date stage). I go through periods of feeling very low, feeling more optimistic, periods of more intense dating, periods of indulging in my hobbies and travelling - I've been through this cycle many times now since 2018.

This year has been especially difficult, the worst since 2018 I think, as most of my friends have settled into stable relationships (95% are great healthy relationships and I'm happy to spend time with their partners). I've been struggling with quite intense loneliness and feeling inadequate, unattractive and the rest...

My birthday is coming up on NYE and I normally spend it with friends + their partners, which is gradually becoming a 11th/13th/15th wheel situation. I feel like this year is going to be especially difficult - I don't think I can ask them not to bring partners, or make them feel they need to choose (I don't want to find out that I won't be chosen over their partners which is the likely outcome!). I want to see everyone but not feel sad, and I can't think of a solution which would make that happen, other than just deciding not to be sad but that doesn't feel entirely in my control! Any advice/support would be much appreciated!!

Sorry also to add I don’t have children and I live on my own having managed to buy a little 1-bed flat a couple of years ago. I have a relatively demanding but fulfilling job and get on with people at work. It’s really just this part of my life where I feel things aren’t going well at all!!

I think a birthday on NYE is going to make this all feel much more acute OP.

What are the current plans, as they stand? I'd be minded to go along with that but book a far-flung solo holiday for next time.

You need some new friends 😀. When I was single I found a new hobby which opened up a whole new social life. And best of all loads of the people involved were single so I never felt like a freak! But seriously it did help my self esteem.

Do you belong to any groups? Have any hobbies?

I did float the idea of my few single friends and I booking a place in the countryside, somewhere fancy with a hot tub, and ringing in the new year that way, but it didn’t get much traction - I’m part of a big friendship group and we usually all spend nye together, so I think the other single friends didn’t want to be away from the wider friendship group in a little group of 3 or 4, rather than at a big house party which is the usual plan! I thought about a solo trop but I wondered whether it would make me feel worse - I’ve done lots of solo travelling, usually I enjoy the freedom and quiet (although with definite pangs of loneliness) but my instinct was that it would feel extra difficult at nye and on my birthday. It’s a tricky one!

Yeah I have lots of hobbies, and I’m always open to trying new ones and going on my own to things. I think it’s just the reality that the majority of people at my age are in relationships, and I don’t want to cut people out for being in a relationship especially if I’ve known them for years! I did decide a few years ago to focus on my friendships with other singles, but quite a few of those people are now in relationships so it’s a case of picking myself up and finding the energy to keep doing that.

What hobby did you pick up out of interest?

(Bump)

I really have been here, I absolutely dreaded the Christmas/new year season in particular because it all just made me feel so lonely, particularly as I’m not close to family either. I also had v similar dating experience in that I basically just rejected everyone after the first/second dates & then ended up in situationships with those I did like. Eventually I met now DH, we married within 6 months of our first date! So I do think you just have to continue going on dates even though I absolutely know how draining it can be. But also please complement this by trying to expand your social circle at the same time, I joined bumble bff and made some lovely friends who were also single and it just made everything easier having friends in the same position - it made me feel lonelier discussing dating with coupled up friends because I just felt like an object of pity (in my head - in hindsight v much doubt they actually saw me that way) whereas with single friends I saw it all in a much lighter way, having close friends to do things with just really took the pressure off too. Re future birthdays - I agree with booking a solo trip! Or even just a spa day, loads of people go to these on their own with a book or whatever, you can just have a really lush day doing whatever you want without having to cater to anyone else, I still do this now for my birthday. You could always do something with friends in Jan when everything has calmed down from Christmas :)