DD and ‘boyfriend’

[Littleferns]

I really need advice how to navigate this situation with my DD.
she is 25 and still lives at home.
she only works part time due to mh issues but has been so much better lately and been looking for full time work. But this means she can’t afford to leave home.
she has a bf who no one particularly likes, he gets abusive verbally to her when he’s had a drink and a few weeks ago she ended up calling the police and getting him arrested because he attacked her physically. (They were staying at my DS’s house at the time. ) They'd been together about two years and he has got progressively worse. I have tried to like him and accept him for her sake.
we thought that finally she’d seen the light and realised he wasn’t good for her and wouldn’t go back with him.
I am away this weekend and just discovered she got back with him again last night and that he was also at our house on Friday evening. Despite me explicitly saying he wasn’t welcome in our house.
She has lovely friends who have all had enough of picking up the pieces and say they’re now ‘done ‘ with her.
I want to be ‘done’ too but she’s my daughter and I also feel like I should be there for her.
I’m exhausted with their relationship. I don’t like the man but if I give her an ultimatum of him or us she will choose him and I will lose her.
Do I just let her get on with it and maintain the ban from my house and if I do how do I police that when I’m not always there. Or do I just have to suck it up that it’s her choice ? Because I should always support her choices and be there for her?
For context I don’t live with my DP so stay at his most weekends now she is old enough (in theory!) to look after herself! This has been a decision based in the past on my DD needing me , and until recently my mum needing me, so I feel like I have already put my life on hold for years.

This sounds like manipulation and coercive control by the sound of it, which is extremely abusive. She's probably terrified of what he might do if she says no to him.

slightlydistrac
I couldn’t agree more, but I just don’t know the best way to handle it. She can’t see it, she’ll end up with no friends or family at this rate which I guess is exactly what he wants.
I am just exhausted trying to navigate it. I want to ban him from the house but what do I do if he just comes over when I’m not there?

Is there something like the Freedom programme but for friends and family? Like a guide how to support? Maybe message Women’s Aid for advice?

comff that’s a good shout! I need help to work out the best way to support her without condoning his behaviour by allowing him back into our home.

‘I want to ban him from coming to the house, but how do I do that when I’m away.’

You don’t go away, until this whole sorry episode is over.

Do not tell your DD why. Try to not push her further into his arms.

Can your partner come instead over for now?

femfemliscious he can of course come to mine but going to his was my little bit of sanity to get away from the dramas of her life at times!
But that is one solution. She would know I wasn’t going because of her/him though.

Contact women’s aid and they will support you and give you some advice.

Unfortunately, since she is an adult there not much you can do. All you can do is be there for her when it inevitably turns to shit again. Don’t give her an ultimatum as you will just push her into his arms and he will use it to convince her that you’re trying to control her life/split them up, etc.

The saying keep your friends close and your enemies closer is quite applicable in this situation. Tell your daughter you are always here for her no matter what happens. This way she will be able to come to you for help when she needs to. I would let him come to the house because if you shut him out, she will just start sneaking him in or going to his place. You can’t protect her there. I would start staying over days that you know he will likely be there and have your partner come to you. You can be in the same house, with a man present, to prevent any more physical abuse. Hopefully it won’t be too long till she sees the light and asks for help to end their relationship.

You might want to give this book to your daughter so she can get her head around who this bf of hers actually is.

https://www.docdroid.net/2fZmz40/why-does-he-do-that-pdf

I just wanted to update this as my head has been spinning for the last few months.
I also want to warn other mums that if they find themselves in this situation, try so hard to help your daughter see sense.
I failed dismally. She stayed away from him for a few weeks , then she fell for all his smooth talk of changing and things being different.
At the beginning of February they met for a drink, he got really drunk again and decided he didn’t want to live anymore. He ran in front of a vehicle. She went into the road to try to stop him and they both got hit. He died, she now has life changing brain injuries and has been in hospital almost five months. Life will never be the same again for her or us and my heart is truly broken.
I keep going over and over in my head that I should have/could have done more.
so if you ever find yourself in this position do everything in your power to help your child see the light. The future looks so scary for us now.

OP I am so sorry.

Life is going to be tough for her and you now. It's easy and natural to be full of regrets and what ifs. But as you said at the time if you'd tried to talk to her she'd have moved (emotionally) further away from you and towards him.

Try not to think about the what ifs, I wish you all the peace you can find.

@LittlefernsI'm so sorry to read your update. Sending you and your daughter all the best wishes and love in the world.

Oh you poor darling. Sending you love and hugs & lots of strength.

❤️

I am so sorry to read your update op, that is absolutely heartbreaking.

I just wanted to say to you that you done all you could.

I was your daughter once and was a similar age.

There is nothing and I mean nothing that would have made me leave my abusive partner, it's such a complicated situation.

I went on to marry mine, stayed with him for a further 12 years until he almost killed me.

I was a topic on a BBC radio talk show once, it made the papers and I still wouldn't leave.

In fact I think I stayed for another 5.

The very best to you and your daughter x

This is heartbreaking, Op. But please do not blame yourself. I wish you and your DD all the very best.

What a very sad update but this REALLY isn’t your fault.
Are you getting support for yourself OP? In my borough of London there is a charity that offers counselling and other support for carers. Maybe there’s one in your area? I was referred by the hospital. When my DC went through a very traumatic year, both DH and I had counselling and it was very helpful to talk to someone unconnected to the trauma.
All the best to you and your family.

That's the saddest thing I ever read on MN, I am so sorry OP 💗

Please, please don't think that you "failed dismally." Even with a mature adult, it is incredibly difficult/virtually impossible to talk them into "seeing sense" about their partner. With someone so young, it's even harder because at that age letting go of a romantic relationship feels like the end of the world.

This was a constellation of catastrophic circumstances that you did your best to change, but couldn't possibly control. Short of locking her up in a cell lined with cotton wool, you really did try to protect her.

I am so sorry that it has had such a tragic outcome, and I hope that joy will gradually ease its way back into your life.

I'm so sorry to read your update. Please don't blame yourself. There's nothing more you could have done to help your daughter see sense, she's a grown adult. If you haven't already, please contact Headway, they are a charity the specialise in helping those who have suffered a brain injury and their families.

sassy there is a Headway worker that visits the neuro unit she is in and I do her a lot of support from her.
thank you all for the responses. I think it is just hitting me so hard this last week.
she has lost pretty Much all of her memory , she can’t even remember the boyfriend now,
which is in some way a blessing but also feels
like such a waste!
it just feels such a cruel thing to have happened. I constantly go over and over in my head the what ifs. Sometimes it’s hard being a parent.

If he drinks and is abusive, she's in danger and needs to.be out of that relationship.
It dosent sound like happiness to me.
Can't see why people need to drink alot if never gets them anywhere.

Sorry just saw your update.
People do need to stay away from.people who drink though.

Christ OP I’m so sorry I hope and pray your daughter is able to heal and recover. Thank god she has you to support her. Sending love and hugs ❤️