Pregnant and relationship has turned emotionally abusive

[anonym0]

I just need to get this off my chest, I'm so scared. I'm 8 months pregnant and I'm only 18. Me and my partner have been together for a year and a half, he's been through a lot of trauma in the last 2 years and I quickly became basically his full time carer. I was a victim of abuse at the age of 13 in a prior relationship and the abuser used his mental health to control me and my boyfriend knows this. At first it was okay, it was triggering but he wasn't hurtful to me. He was always terrified I would leave and I would cheat and always told me how much he loves and needs me. I don't know exactly when things changed but he started being mean to me when he was feeling low but I always let it slide and he would apologise and cry and id just hug him and we would get past it. I think it changed earlier this year when I was 8 weeks pregnant and he had a bad mental health episode, he was really cruel towards me and then threatened to kill himself and went missing so I had to ring the police and that same day I miscarried my baby. After that I wasn't so patient anymore, I stopped babying him but I was still there for him. He had admitted he makes himself feel upset to get the attention from me so I stopped giving it as much. For a while things weren't too bad, he was in absolute bits over what happened that night. I found out I was pregnant again (unintentionally) 2 months later and we decided to keep the baby and he promised me he wouldn't put me under that kind of stress again while I was pregnant. In my pregnancy everything has been a nightmare, I was kicked out by my parents because my step dad didn't want him living with me but he couldn't be at home due to his trauma. We were homeless for a while and spent 6 weeks in a hotel, then into temp accommodation and have recently just got our first house. His mental health is no where near as bad as it was, and we don't have the same relationship as we used to so he doesn't rely on me for comfort anymore. The issue now is that these last few weeks he's been treating me incredibly badly, it's like a whole different person. He says the most awful things to me and makes me cry but he just doesn't care, he will keep going while I sob and tell me to shut up. 2 weeks ago he gave me the silent treatment for no reason and then said awful things to me ('I'd never want to touch you', 'I hate you', 'You are insufferable', 'You ruined my life', 'You are a slag', 'You are disgusting', 'That baby isn't mine and I'm not being there when he's born' etc). I tried standing my ground and not just crying and insulting him back, which made him throw something at the wall and then he held a knife to his throat and hurt himself. He calmed down sort of then went to sleep and went to work the next morning. Then he came home from work and drank half a bottle of rum and cried and said he needed me and he loves me so I thought it was over.. then the next morning it turns out he had taken an OD of paracetamol so I took him to hospital and he's mostly nice to me apart from one episode in the hospital where he started saying the nasty things again and then punched a wall as he was overwhelmed. After that it was okay for a few days. He had a work night out and I asked him to drive and to not drink as drinking tends to make him more emotional and he always throws up and I am really anxious around vomit and it's not fair on me. He came home drunk. He tried lying to me about it but was throwing up and clearly very drunk. I was really upset because he promised he wouldn't and also he drove home in that state which doesn't sit right with me considering anything could have happened to him and he could have also hurt someone else. This made him lose his shit again and he sat and was just awful for hours while I cried. He keeps saying I'm disgusting and I'm a slag and I've got men coming round the house and our baby isn't his, he's always kind of been like this and I've always called it out but never this extreme. I was a virgin when I met him, I'd sent nudes to a few older people when I was stupid and 14 which he knows and that's kinda what he bases it off and shames me for. After that it was okay for the day and then literally out of no where last night he just starts it again!! At this point I literally don't have any tears left to cry and im embarrassed for myself begging him to love me while he insists he doesn't and doesn't even like me so I just slept on the couch. I know I don't deserve this and I know I need to leave but I'm so so scared. I won't allow this around my baby and I know that for sure. I have family but I don't see them as a support system, im terrified of giving birth alone. He's my person and my source of comfort, even when it's him that makes me so sad all I want is to be close to him to make me feel better. I don't have my own money, I'm too ill to work but tbh that isn't even a concern, I could make that work, I just really want him to be better. I want our family to be together. I don't think I have the strength to leave, I left an abuser years ago and it took me meeting him for me to break the trauma bond and get rid of the urge to go back. I told myself I'd never put myself through that again because leaving destroyed my mental health and nearly took my life. I just feel so alone, I can't tell anyone because I know they will tell me to leave and I know they are right but I'm just not ready yet, I'm scared he will hurt himself and I'm scared to be alone. I keep holding on to the hope the baby will come and he will change. He's fallen out of love for me for sure, there's no other explanation but I keep thinking maybe if I do better and I change, he might love me again. The worst part is that I've been through all the therapy and the learning from my last relationship and im so aware of how ridiculous im being. I know what is happening here and I know he won't change and staying for the baby is absolutely ridiculous and im honestly embarrassed I can't just walk away. There's not even any advice anyone can give because I already know and im so ashamed of myself for putting myself in this situation. I feel so alone. Thank you if anyone read all this and I'm sorry it was so long x

Jesus honey, you’re 18 and in a seriously abusive relationship. The best thing you could do is move back home with your family and dump his sorry ass.

Meet your mum for a coffee if you can and tell her you need her help - if you left because they didn’t like your boyfriend then I’d imagine she will understand that you need to come home to get away from him.

First of all, I'm sorry to hear what you are going through.

For your safety and that of your baby, you need to know this will not get better. Which means that your relationship will not last. The question is, whether you want to end it before you get hurt more and your baby gets hurt.

Your partner is dependent on you in very unhealthy ways and he cannot have a stable relationship with you (or anyone) without some in-depth work for / by himself first. No promises, no couple work, no progress on material/financial problem will resolve any of that. Believe me: I'm an anxious man, though nowhere at the extreme level you describe, and it made my relationships at 18 difficult, it's a good thing I wasn't a father then.

Then, there's just a few practical things to sort out.

• if he wants to know his baby, he needs to change now. Practical steps, not promises. He could go to alcoholics anonymous or similar (groups like those are free). He could seek medical help.
• This is not "if he wants to live with you" - just "know the baby". Sorry to tell you this but once more: You cannot form a family with this man, he is not fit to be a full-time father. IMO (as a father myself) it is wrong to cut him off completely, but he should only be a part-time father, and that, with supervision.
• Speak to your mum and stepdad. In hindsight, your stepdad was right not to want him. Probably kicking you out was an attempt to make you end a relationship that was wrong for you - it didn't work though. Give them news. Tell them you will need help and you won't be with him again. Tell them they'll be grandparents.
• Cultivate your relationships with family. Tell them what you are saying to us strangers. Some will act like judgemental * but some will help you, maybe not by putting you up, etc, but
• Get help and get evidence. NHS. Social services. Police. If there are difficulties with him, you'll need that to make sure he is kept away.

If you use Christmas to get in touch with your family, it will make your and their Christmas better.

I'm many decades older then you, but was in an abusive relationship at your age. A lot of the behaviour you are describing sounds very familiar to me (the threats, verbal abuse, overdosing, drinking). It took ages to extricate myself because I just kept thinking that if I was kind and understanding and empathetic he would resolve his traumas, start treating me better and it would all be OK. Trust me, things will get worse, not better, so please get out of this relationship now, and no matter how much he pleads, do not go back, protect yourself and your baby! Contact your local Womens Aid charity, and if you feel able to, contact you parents too. Hopefully they will welcome you back once you've walked away from this abusive relationship. Good luck OP xx

Same as @IggyAndZiggy , decades older than you but my abusive ex said and did many of the things you’re describing. There really is a script they follow.

This will only become worse. And if he is abusive around your baby and you stay with him there is a high chance SS will apply for a child protection order.

Speak to your mum, go back there if possible.
If not speak to your midwife , GP, whichever you feel comfortable with.
I cannot begin to describe the danger I felt I was in and my ex husband and I were late 30s/40 ish. To me your situation sounds far more dangerous. You need to leave asap.

Bumping so you hopefully get some more replies, OP

I didnt read it all but it sounds horrific. This is not a good relationship to be in. You need to get away from him asap and stay away. Do not listen to any of his false promises to change etc. how many chances does he need? Your on the verge of being a mum. Put you and your child first now or risk having the child removed further down the line. Hes not in the right mental space and needs some form of therapy/counselling.

do you have anyone you can go to?

call Womens Aid also for support

It's not that simple really, my family don't dislike him, my step dad and I have never gotten along and due to some things unrelated I can't really say and the fact he didn't like having another man in the house is why we had to leave. My step dad used to be an alcoholic and treated my mum badly and we have never got on from them on. I've also always had a strained relationship with my mum and had been kicked out before at 15. She would support me with this if I were to tell her though but unfortunately she just isn't someone I'd look for support from and never has been. I know I'll have to because this just isn't getting better. I also know I'm stupid and young and im genuinely embarrassed I've allowed this to happen. He left tonight anyway, he was telling me all kinds of horrible stuff about how I'm deformed or whatever and no one will ever want me and then he threw all my makeup on the floor and left. I rang his mum so she can make sure he's safe and whatever. Honestly I'm in disbelief on how a person can change so drastically, he wasn't like this a few weeks ago and I really do love him and it makes me so sad to think I'll have to raise our baby alone.

Thank you, I wish I could say this is the first relationship I've been in like this but it isn't. I went through all of being a teenager being too scared of relationships incase it happened again and he's the first person I trusted. I confided in him about how I had PTSD from what happened before and I genuinely am in shock that he could do the same but arguably worse. I know I'm stupid and I need to leave, I think that makes it worse. I'm a really vulnerable person, I did years of self work and therapies to make sure I was safe from these type of relationships and I just can't believe this is where I am. The idea of raising a baby alone and having to overcome this all over again is absolutely terrifying. My family have never been a source of support for me and I have no job and no friends. I feel like I've ruined my life already

Change the locks and dont take him back

He isn’t your person he is an abusive, bullying, dangerous arsehole. You need to leave

Get rid of him, lovely OP. The PP are right, abusers only become more abusive. He has made what should be a joyful time a time full of misery and fear.

Speak to Womens Aid or your local Refuge branch. They can help you to access all the benefits and support you are entitled to. Your midwife should be able to help too.

I totally understand that this must be terrifying for you, but it will be easier being on your own in peace than trying to raise a child in a climate of abuse and fear. Sending hugs and best wishes to you. Xx

Reach out to your mum (surely she would support you in this awful situation?), contact Women's Aid, get whatever help you can. You're practically a child yourself and you are having a baby with a horrible piece of shit!

Please have the strength to get yourself out of this awful relationship for your sake and the sake of your baby. And please don't get into another relationship again until you have worked out why you are attracted to these abusive men, and have worked on your self-esteem, and gained a little more maturity.

Best wishes xx

This is going to get much much worse.

Your baby's exposure to this in the first two years of life will potentially destroy your baby's ability to trust and form healthy relationships. Ever.

This right now is a key turning point in your life. One way is difficult but has hope. The other is doomed and I'm not sure you are allowing yourself to realise how dangerous it is.

You can give the baby for adoption if raising him alone is not right for you.

Please don't let this man harm your baby as he undoubtedly will.

I was ten years older when I rang Women's Aid for the first time, but they were fantastic. They got me and my baby into a women's refuge. They have a lot of resources to help you. Please ring them. You're not safe and neither is the baby. X

Sending you so much love and hugs and wanted to share with you how brave you are in all of this. You are clearly a bright girl with a beautiful future ahead of you and your baby. You have all of the answers in your post, you know what you need to do. Rally up lots of support, women’s aid would be a great line to call for advice on how you can sort out arrangements like a doula for your birth if you’d like that, please also utilise the sure start maternity grant of £500 for your first baby which you can apply for online, also there are lots of baby banks that you can either self-refer or ask your midwife to do this on your behalf. Please utilise all of the support that is available to you. In terms of your relationship, I know you love this individual deeply but believe me when I say the love you will feel for your child will astronomically exceed any love you think you have for this person. And that unbreakable bond of love for your baby is what will compel you to make the changes you know in your heart of hearts you must make to keep you both safe, healthy and happy. 🩷

Woman’s aid and do soon and go into a refuge for you and babies safety.

Afternoon, OP. We just wanted to pop by and point out, in case you hadn't spotted them, that there's a Relationships and a Domestic Violence webguide linked to at the very top of this thread. You might find a few contacts there for organisations you can get in touch with for support and advice.

We hope you're safe and well. You can always call your midwives and ask them to put you in touch with people who can help you and your baby, too.