Feeling stressed/anxiety about all the obligations of Christmas...

[TiredWife]

Not sure what I hope to get our of sharing this, but just wondered if this is normal?

I look at my calendar between now and New Year's Day and it just looks full of things which have been 'put in' and require me to do stuff for other people:

• son & his GF coming for a pre-Christmas meal and 2 day stay
• visiting elderly FIL with DH (although he's never been particularly nice to me, and has told DH he doesn't want visitors...) 4 hour round trip...
• going to friends for dinner, but have to make and take a pudding (somehow the husbands never do this...)
• invited friends (a couple) for NYE and somehow DH has convinced me to invite 4 more friends, so it's become a bigger deal.

He always downplays the impact of these things, but he's not the one worrying about beds being changed and having enough/the right food in the house. If I ask him to do specific things he will, but the mental load is all mine, and however many times I try to address this it always ends up as an argument with DH downplaying how much needs doing and suggesting I am 'overthinking' things.

I know it sounds pathetic but I went to the garden centre to get an extra present for DS's GF and suddenly felt tearful and overcome with anxiety, and an overwhelming sense of 'I don't want to do any of this...'

I think it's perfectly normal to feel overwhelmed at this time of year when you've got so much on and can't see any spare time in your diary to just be.

Practically, you could reduce the effort needed by ordering a takeaway for the meal with your son and his girlfriend and buying a nice pudding to take to your friends dinner.

If at all possible I'd try excusing yourself from the trip to FiL and just having some quiet zero pressure time that day.

Well, @TiredWife - in your shoes I would sack off FIL, DH can go alone.

Outsource dessert for DH to source (or get the M&S best ever chocolate log)

Divide the work for the guests between you or tell him to uninvite the extras because all the work lands on you (if he says he'll do it, take him at his word)

Don't let it spoil your Christmas break. You are as entitled to a rest as everyone else. So.....

Send for a Chinese takeaway when your ds & his gf visit. Your ds can fetch it.

Stay at home when your dh visits his dad. Leave them to discuss football and politics or whatever is their preference

Take two packets of Waitrose best mince pies and some ginger ice cream for your dinner party dessert contribution. Put some tinsel on the plate.

Your dh is cooking a large chilli and rice on NYE. Warn him now.

If all else fails, retreat to bed feeling poorly. Take a Xmas book and a box of Hotel Chocolat with you. They are all adults, they will cope without you 🤗

Stop doing it. He's only got the luxury of downplaying things and telling you you're overthinking because he know that there you will be doing the necessary.

Don't do it. Be clear about what you will and won't be doing and let him pick up the slack, or don't. Retire to your be with a migraine and let him work it out, and he won't do it next year.

You're not a The Christmas Skivvy, and he's not Lord of the Manor. If he want's it doing he can do it himself. Including visiting his dad.

Dinner with DS is already shopped for, but I think you’re all right about the trip to FIL. Every year DH guilts me into it by saying it might be FiL’s last, but he is still going strong at 99! My father was in a care home half a mile away, and I don’t remember anyone coming with me to see him!

Delegation, delegation, delegation.

Be resolute in your determination to sit on your arse. It is not your responsibility to facilitate other people's enjoyment while you run yourself ragged. What doesn't get done, doesn't get done. You will have a house full of capable adults, none of whom will starve if you do not wait on them hand and foot.

Son & gf 2-day stay - food already purchased, but who's going to cook it? You need to delegate a chunk of that. Dump clean bedding on the bed and instruct DH to go and change the bed. Once they've gone tell your DS to change it again ready for the next lot arriving on NYE. Guests are in charge of their own breakfasts and can do yours as well if you are all up at the same time.

FIL - you do not need to go. So don't go.

Friends for dinner - this is what M&S desserts are made for.

NYE - Send DH to supermarket for drinks and a pile of party food. Don't give him a list, he can decide for himself what is required. What he doesn't get, well everyone will have to go without!

Dear Tired Wife,
I feel your pain. My husband does this too. No wonder you feel anxious as you are soaking up all the stress. I am waking 5am in the morning worrying about what needs to be done. I hear you too about no one bothering with visiting your Dad.
DH loves to issue invites and then turns up last minute.

Next year I don't want to be home skivvying for them all. I think either we will go out for dinner or I will make my own plans.

Men are just so selfish, mine will just take and take.