Both I and my husband are immigrants. I'm Latin and my husband is from India.
I had a baby 3 months ago, C section.
Husband's mother came over 2 months ago (just 4 weeks after C section) "to help"us since we don't have any family here. We paid all expenses, including visas and flights.
However, since she arrived we just keep arguing due to her behaviour. He believes this is normal and I get angry because I have Post Partum depression and I believe that her behaviour is strange and of course I don't have PP depression. Her behaviour makes me upset and just gives me more work all the time. I also believe he is gas lighting me by pushing this into PP depression without acknowledging his mother's behaviour.
When she arrived we noticed that she has a limp we didn't know about, we tested her carrying something on her arms, putting it into the bassinet and she almost dropped it; so definitely we don't want her to carry the baby because she may drop him. Before the trip DH asked her if she was healthy enough to lift a baby and she said yes. Now, despite the limp, she's not disabled given that since she arrived she started working on our large yard, she is removing the weeds and planting every day.
This is our miracle baby after years of infertility and miscarriages. I'm still on maternity leave and I feel that it is ruined due to the constant fights over her behaviour, this is time I will never recover. Unfortunately, one week after she leaves the country, I have to start work which is 11 hours' days out of the house.
Please advise if you consider this behaviour acceptable for a 67 year old woman. DH has spoken to her about some of these things (or so he told me because I don't speak their language) but she keeps doing it. Is she trying to break our marriage or just wants to do things her way regardless? I will show your replies to DH so he stops saying I'm depressed. I will write a few examples (but not limited) of what she does:
- At first, we would let her hold and feed the baby, but she would just grab him by the waist and not hold his neck/head (1.5-2 months old baby). Then you would have the baby's head bouncing. DH would have to go next to the baby to hold his head, explained to her how to hold him. She continued not caring so we stopped giving her the baby. Now, baby's is in physio therapy due to neck problems and she knows it, she has been with us to his therapy.
- She smeared poo on the wall next to the toilet seat, eye level, both sides of the toilet. Impossible not to see it.
- Spits often and into the toilet seat with the seat down, her spit is brown due to always drinking brown tea. So I go to the toilet and find brown liquid on top of the toilet's seat wondering if it's liquid poo or spit.
- She Puts her foot (with dirty socks) on top of the dining table, when DH told her to put her foot down she said "but you have a cat and the cats are dirty". We told that the cat is not allowed and is never walking on top of tables or benches on the kitchen. Our cat is really obedient and doesn't go to the places where we tell him not to go
- She travelled with only 2 changes of clothes, thinking that we were going to go and buy her new clothes (like if we have time and money with a newborn). She has asked for new clothes a few times, even just to go downtown she was asking a new top.
- Often drops things and won't pick them up, ever. This can be sauce or crumbs on the table (where she sits),a large napkin on the floor, rice on the pantry, spices on the floor
- DH asked her to mop one day when we had the health visitor coming, she grabbed a wet tea towel, attached it to the broom and pass it around the floor. Then, proceeded to wash the towel on the kitchen sink, leaving all the rubbish on the sink which is how I knew what she did. In that same sink I wash the baby's bottles.
- She goes to the yard to weed and plant and washes her hands on the kitchen sink as soon as she enters the house
- Sometimes when she's tired, she walks by holding the walls. I've had to clean the walls full of turmeric and oil hand prints from the pantry room
- Loud burps all day
- Coughs without covering her mouth, even when cooking she coughs on top of the food
- She leaves lots of water on the sinks, kitchen and bathroom. Not wet, it's like pools of water
- Refusing to use washing machine, hand washes her few clothes on the bathroom, and leaves lots of water on the floor creating a slipping hazard for herself, water on the walls (Wooden walls), and all around the sink
- Won't learn how to use the kettle and the microwave
- Won't cook breakfast or lunch for herself, even cereal. DH leaves her some toast and boiled eggs in the morning before going to do a physical job, then when he's back he makes her snacks. If it was my son, I would have him snacks ready when he's home from work
- She will only help cook dinner but leaves the kitchen and sink dirty. The sponge to wash dishes full of grease and grim..
- When I'm feeding the baby, she goes in front of me, blocking the TV and is just staring at me
- Often makes comments about things I'm not doing with the baby to my DH (such as the baby should be left naked, baby is sneezing, baby's head is not strong, baby's cousin's neck was stronger, etc)
- She often drinks the water I boiled for my baby's bottles, I have to be guarding the water every day. If I don't have enough boiled cooled water the baby may run out of bottles or I have to wash/sterilize bottles more often.
If you made it this far, thanks for reading. Please advise what I should tell DH so he acknowledges this behaviour is not normal.
Summary: MIL came from overseas to help me post partum, doesn't help and just gives me more work. I'm the main carer for the baby and when I complain, DH says that I'm overreacting due to Post Partum depression and his mother's behaviour is not the problem. What can he do so his mother behaves properly and avoid destroying their relationship?