How do you make a relationship work with opposite sex drives?

[Zestforlife12]

My husband and I have been together for 10years. I know I have a very high sex drive, I have always had a higher sex drive than any man I have been with even when we were intimate several times a week. My husband’s sex drive is just so low, he can go for a long time not thinking about it and I think he watches some porn but he refuses it (I have seen his history though and know he deletes it). I have never had an issue with porn, just an issue if it affects your sex life. But he doesn’t even watch the porn that often, I do think he just generally has a very low sex drive. He is very reluctant to open up about it though, so I do worry that there is something going on that I don’t know about. For example the porn he watches is always gang bangs so I just worry there could be something there.

we’ve had two children and having children did lower my sex drive and I was ok with having sex just 1 a month or going months without it. Now I have been loosing weight which for some reason makes me super naughty and I am just getting rejected from him.

We don’t have any other issues in the relationship and we are financially comfortable, so having a divorce would be a major step down financially.

He has made it clear he is happy in the relationship and divorce is the last thing on his mind.

i was just wondering how other couples make it work when there is practically no intimacy?

Differing sex drives is a deal breaker for me from the start. No one wants, or wants to feel like, a sex pest. You aren't going to change him so you either do nothing, discuss opening up your marriage or you leave. None are ideal I know.

I have suggested swinging and he seemed intrigued but said he just didn’t know if he could handle me being touched by another man

I wouldn't read anything literal into the porn scenarios, fantasy doesn't mean that's what he wants or is getting up to IRL. The bigger issue is the mis-match and it's a shame as so many of the threads on MN about this are the other way around where the DH has the higher drive, so many men would be thrilled to have a DW with your appetite. I'm afraid there's no easy answer though as his isn't going to go up. Yours could go down maybe, mine did when I was on the contraceptive implant but I didn't like that flatlining libido feeling. There's the chance that if he did it more he might want it more, that can happen, but it's not like you can make him if he's not willing. Does he understand how important it is to you and the marriage? It's all very well for him to be happy with things like this, but if you can't carry on this way, talk to him about what that means - would you end the marriage, open it up, or what?

This is BS

Why can he just not have a low libido or be asexual? If this was a woman with a low sex drive no one would be suggesting she might be a lesbian? Why is it so unbelievable that he might have a low sex drive?

What is?

You can only make it work if having less sex is preferable to you than splitting up. And either way you get yourself a rabbit.

You should really stop talking.

It was a joke.

I don't know why some people are being so weird on this thread. OP asked for advice in Relationships. It's normal for people to be generally supportive and helpful in this section, not start joking around and not taking it seriously. Save that for AIBU and don't bother posting here if there's nothing useful to add.

I have thought myself too and asked him previously if he could be gay. He is not gay, I do see him look if an attractive woman walks past and he has always made me feel very attractive and sexy. When we do have sex it is very good, it’s just the frequency that’s a problem. He has got a medical condition which causes him to be extremely tired and is only up for it if he has had a several hour nap. I think that’s part of the problem.

Scheduling. Agree on a night to do it, say once a week. It's less than you want and more than he wants but that's compromise and you know where you stand. Some people don't like the idea but it takes away the vibe where you're feeling rejected every other night and he's feeling anxious you'll try something when he's not in the mood.

Maybe during an intimate moment suggest the possibility of you having an occasional lover?

He maybe more open to it than you imagine.

There’s a word for people who make their partners have sex more often than they want.

But constructively, what do you advise?

Agree. My only relationships that lasted were men with really high sex drives - I couldn't be with someone who didn't want it (almost) as much as me.

This is a leap but is his medical condition thyroid related? If so, that can affect the libido.

Has his libido always been like this or has it deteriorated during the marriage?

No easy answer. Could it be Madonna/whore syndrome by any chance?

You need to leave or accept it, he doesn't owe you sex because you're in a relationship. Consent needs to be enthusiastic or it isn't consent at all. If it's a deal breaker then like I said, leave and find someone else.

You can only have sex as often as the one with the lower sex drive is wants. Otherwise you are not getting their enthusiastic consent. Get a vibrator if that’s not enough?