DH has been away. I’ve felt happier without him here.

[ThisIsHowItFeelsToBeLonely]

For a few nights this month DH has worked away.

Even though I’ve been solo parenting the kids and it’s been hard work, I’ve surprisingly felt happier on my own. I can make decisions alone. I don’t have to nag him to get off the sofa and off his phone to do the kids’ bathtime. I haven’t had to watch him go to bed at 8.30pm, some nights without even saying goodnight to me. I’ve felt freer and more hopeful on my own with the kids.

I’m lonely in our marriage. We have no intimacy. He goes to bed much earlier than me every night. Even before kids we wouldn’t really spend evenings together, he can’t stand the TV and would leave the room if I put anything on.

Despite all this, he’s a good man and hands on dad and the marriage provides us with financial stability. We have young kids (youngest starts school in September) and the thought of tearing a family apart and wilfully becoming a single mother of 3 because my marriage makes me feel sad is scary.

I’m planning to talk to him about this but I find him difficult to approach emotionally (suspect he is autistic) and I feel tired of always being the bad cop who raises when there’s an issue. It’s like an extra mental load on me.

I just wondered if anyone else feels this way? Is feeling happier when he’s not around a sign that we should break up? Everywhere I look seems to be happy couples and it makes me feel increasingly lonely and isolated.

Where do we go from here? Do I suggest marriage counselling? Right now I can’t find the right words to talk to him, will counselling help with that?

For context I’m 45 so I can’t rule out perimenopause potentially contributing to these feelings. He is a couple of years younger than me.

Difficult one. When my husband is away it's like a mini break for me aswell 😂 and the moment he comes back it's like almost an annoyance, been together years and I took sometimes feel lonely in our marriage. I did speak to him and he does make an effort but also has the emotional capability of a knat (also think somewhere on the spectrum + some childhood trauma means emotions are pushed waaaaaaaay down). It's hard to navigate but I suppose in my case I can understand why he is how is is and as we've talked through it understand each other better and what we need. Maybe bringing it up will help you know either way?

Perimenopause doesn't necessarily mean you're wrong though. It's just that the hormones blind you a bit before - and then you wake up and go wtf am I putting up with. 😂

It's probably worth trying relationship counselling together and seeing if there's something to be rekindled, some compromises to make that improve things for you. Counselling ought to give you the space to say what you need to and tease out some of the issues.

@SlB09 you have pretty much explained our marriage there! It’s useful to know that other relationships are not all hearts and flowers all the time too.

Thank you. I’m increasingly swaying towards trying counselling. When I’ve tried to talk to DH about feeling lonely he agrees and gives me a cuddle but then nothing changes. I’ve started noting things that bother me on a list on my phone, so I have something to refer to.

I love getting the house to myself and the kids, I love getting away on my own, equally I love when we all come back together.

Don't forget, you're an individual as well as a wife and a mother!

Do you have anything to call your own space? Like the gym, yoga, walking?

I'm a big advocate for not staying in rubbish relationships but with 3 young children, and nothing abusive happening I would try therapy, reigniting a spark of what you saw in him at the start first.

I left an abusive marriage and although I'm 100% happier it's hard work looking after small children on my own. It's not just a few days break, it's all the time being responsible, financially, emotionally and materially (I had a particularly dreadful ex who does the bare minimum).

@nodramaplz I don’t have my own space, and I think you’re onto something there. I’m either working, commuting or with the family. I have half joked with DH about renting or buying a small place that I could make into a retreat for a couple of nights a week!

We were in a long distance relationship and didn’t live together until we married. I miss those days when we only spent weekends together and I had my own space.

I agree. He isn’t abusive, maybe a little emotionally neglectful but I suspect there’s some childhood trauma buried there. I will ask him how he feels about counselling.

If you have the finances for a seperate front door I would highly reccomend. You don't need a list in your phone to justify your feelings, if you're happier when he's not around, you're happier when he's not around. If you didn't live together til you were married then that makes total sense, how would you have known?

I have a friend who's relationship has only lasted as long as it has because her DH works away all week. She only has to put up with him at the weekend 😂

He's a hands on dad but you have to nag him to do things with and for the dcs?

It's exhausting. And lonely. And depressing actually.

I would try marriage counselling first but I honestly don't believe people change. It just depends what you're prepared to put up with really.

I understand how you feel and only am sorry I don’t have any solution. My sanity was saved because his job took him abroad several times a year. As he was often sent to war or conflict zones I never knew when I would see him. This suited me fine. He seemed to live completely in a world of his own making.

That said he was a good provider financially, a kind father and easy going. What hurt the most was that he became a completely different, person when in company.

Thank you everyone for your perspectives. DH works from home which has been handy for pick ups when kids are sick and nursery runs, but it also means that he’s always at home. He rarely works away. He will sometimes take the kids out at the weekend for a couple of hours but inevitably I end up catching up on the masses of housework I can’t get around to any other time.

Sometimes the idea of having my kids for half of the week and having a few days on my own is really appealing!

It doesn't matter if there's perimenopause playing a role.
If you feel you would be better off/happier just with your kids, make it happen.
Most husbands become a burden, it's just not being said aloud often.

Most women would love to leave but can't for financial reasons! Sad but true...

@Nothatgingerpirate yes, anecdotally from my friends it would seem that way, all of them who live with a man complain. A friend of mine was persuaded by her partner to let him move in, and now she’s suggested he moves out again as he isn’t pulling his weight around the house. Of course he has his feet firmly under the table and isn’t going anywhere now.

In my marriage things were rocky as dh had said something very hurtful. He then moved to live elsewhere because of a bereavement. I was 100% happier without him and when he came back I was relieved he moved back into a different room. He was there before due to being unwell. 18 months later we are divorced. I am happier, coping 95% better than I expected and wishing I'd never married him.

Listen to how you feel now you've read that, it might give you an answer..

I have to say, I’d start with counselling for yourself for the simple reason that I think you need more clarity on what you want and how you’ve got where you are.
Then, look at couple counselling if you still think it’s worth it.

fwiw, a marriage might not be abusive as such but when some needs aren’t met, like being seen or cared for, it can still be extremely hurtful. I d8nt think the intensity of the feelings it creates should be dismissed ‘because it’s not abuse’.

Also if you think your dh is on the spectrum, then it’s a huge thing too because there are things he will never be able to do. You might want to read around it, learn about ASD and see if he fits. Maybe have a chat with him about it too (bearing in mind, he might not be receptive to the idea at all). Because if he is on the spectrum, you’ll have to adjust your expectations A LOT.

Lots to consider here. DH thinks he is autistic although he’s never been assessed, he’s classic high functioning, extremely academically accomplished but struggles socially. One of our children has a number of markers for autism and is awaiting assessment, so I wouldn’t be surprised if there’s a genetic link.

And yes, you’re absolutely right that having unmet needs can be very hurtful and cause resentment in the marriage.

However, I still care for DH and I don’t want to hurt him so I’m going to ask him about counselling tomorrow (we have a bit of child free time, there’s never time to talk otherwise). Then if we can work on things, great, but if we can’t then at least we can know we tried.

Hi OP, just wondering how you got on with the counselling?