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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

To stay or go?

28 replies

LuLu345678 · 22/12/2024 12:28

I’ve been dating a guy for almost 4 months now. We met on hinge, both early 30s.
When we are together we have a great time, lots in common and he seems like such a good, decent man. Seems to have his shit together, decent job, own flat, lots of friends and hobbies.
However! There are some concerning things which are starting to put me off. I am avoidant though so I’m trying to be as fair as possible and not write him off too early.

  • I have never been to his home. He has not invited me. I have joked ‘when am I coming to your place then’? He has ignored me.
  • We exchanged Christmas presents a few days ago. He has not thanked me for his. Although there is a chance he is saving it for Christmas Day to open. It was in a card though so I think he would have opened it before.
  • he is very busy, I didn’t mind this at first because it’s great that he has lots of friends and an active social life. I also appreciate Christmas is busy and we all get lots of demands placed on us. However we are still only seeing each other once a week, I have asked him to meet up again before Christmas and he says he’s busy. I think you would find the time given we will both be spending almost two weeks elsewhere over Christmas.
  • He planned a double date with me and two of his friends. I agreed and he asked when he could meet my friends. He came along to a drinks thing with some of my friends a few days before we were due to meet his. When he turned up he said the evening with his friends had been cancelled as one was ill. It’s not been rearranged. I wouldn’t have had him meet my friends that early if we were not about to meet his.
  • he has ED I suspect. We have tried to have sex a couple of times and he hasn’t been able to stay hard. Since then he has avoided staying over at mine. For example he has ignored me when I have asked if he wants to come back to mine. Last time he was at mine, we got back from our date and he said he had to go home as he was feeling ill. At 2am on public transport…
  • only really meets up on a week night, usually has an excuse for any weekend dates I try to plan.
  • it feels like we have been dating 1 month rather than 4. We are stuck in the very early stages.

My friends who met him like him, said he was such a lovely guy. They said he was looking at me adoringly even when his football team scored a goal (we were in a pub).
I’m very confused.
I’m starting to wonder whether he has a live in partner. That’s why he won’t stay over much, invite me to his, is reluctant with sex (maybe feels guilt), dosnt see me as often as i would like? Maybe? Or it could be the ED and shame making him pull away? But if this is the case the lack of communication is such a red flag.
Am I overthinking this? I’m so disappointed and upset with how this is going, it started off so well and I thought he was a genuinely nice guy. Now I’m not so sure.

OP posts:
Purplecatshopaholic · 22/12/2024 12:32

Hmm, I’d throw this one back I think. Too much like hard work and you are only in the honeymoon period. If you are keen I suppose you could raise the points you mention here, but I’m not sure I would bother.

HPandthelastwish · 22/12/2024 12:34

Throw him back far too much hard work this early in and he is probably married anyway.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 22/12/2024 12:34

I’d throw this one back too.

FuriousPoodle · 22/12/2024 12:34

Nah.

olderbutwiser · 22/12/2024 12:35

I haven't even read your OP but I know the answer is "go". There is a long list of issues and you're not tied by finances/kids. He can be lovely for someone else.

missod · 22/12/2024 12:39

A nice guy, but too many issues already. Probably not single.

No harm in telling him what you actually think, you've nothing to lose.

Original poster
LuLu345678 · 22/12/2024 12:57

The funny thing is that this is the best I’ve come across in 2 years of using the apps. You have to laugh or you'll cry.

OP posts:
Aquacrab · 22/12/2024 13:24

I'd give it another little short while but if he still won't let you go to his house, then that in itself is a red flag.

TwistedWonder · 22/12/2024 13:27

Is he actually single because there’s a few ‘he’s attached’ red flags there

Lockupyourbiscuits · 22/12/2024 14:19

It doesn’t sound like he wants a proper relationship
If you push he will play the victim - and tell you you deserve better

If you don’t want to waste your time and want something serious cut him

ruddygreattiger · 22/12/2024 15:39

If he wanted to see you more he would make it happen, but he doesn't.

Wasting your time with this one op.

Okigen · 22/12/2024 15:57

I think if you only ever had weekday dates it's a bit of red flag. When men are keen they will try to make arrangements in the weekend.

Crikeyalmighty · 22/12/2024 16:00

I reckon complications here OP - live in partner maybe ,or simply doesn't want an actual 'relationship' needing more than an occasional 'meet up'

Catoo · 22/12/2024 16:15

Doesn’t sound like a relationship to me OP I’m sorry.

If he was into you, he would make weekend dates. He’d be trying to impress you.

He’s either married, in a LTR, or has some issues that you can do without.

Agree with PP. I’d let this one go.

💐

YesThatsATurdOnTheRug · 22/12/2024 16:22

I had one like this, almost to the letter similar, a friend of mine who was good online did some deep diving for me and found his live in girlfriend's Facebook profile! Immediately ghosted him obvs but it's just insane what some men will do.

Nc546888 · 22/12/2024 16:29

Something really really off here. You could try to find out but I suspect you’ll never know. I think live in partner is very likely

DeliciousApples · 22/12/2024 17:58

Have a look on 192.com and see if you can find him on the free version when you put in his name and address.

If he's been there a while you may get a hit. And perhaps a hit on a woman's name also....

Who doesn't want to see their gf on Christmas Day. The whole thing is shady. I think it's a dump and move on situation.

TwistedWonder · 22/12/2024 18:00

Have you tried searching his name on SM and seeing if there any links to a possible partner?

Bumblebeestiltskin · 22/12/2024 18:00

I know the apps are dire, but it shouldn't be this meh so early on.

Vroomfondleswaistcoat · 22/12/2024 18:02

ED at his age? Unlikely to improve, unless he acknowledges it and gets treatment, which it doesn't sound as though he's willing to do at the moment. Add this to everything else, and I'd throw this one back. He sounds like he's nice when he's in the moment, but doesn't exactly exert himself otherwise.

ElleintheWoods · 22/12/2024 18:34

If you are asking this question in a public forum 4 months in, the answer is pretty clear. You should leave it and get out.

Shouldn’t be difficult this early.

You may be overthinking some things (like the present thing) but do you really want to be not having sex and not seeing each other often in your early 30s?

You deserve fireworks, passion and excitement 🎆

something2say · 22/12/2024 18:44

Yes I agree with everyone else I'm afraid - although my money says, he has sexual problems, maybe ED and knows he can't do sex for some reason, so he is avoiding weekends and their potential sleepovers and keeping you at arms length, all the while being adoring and an otherwise decent person. If this is the case, he needs to back off from intimate relationships and dig into himself a little, but he isn't doing so and therefore he is not your ten out of ten. Best not to allow your heart to grow used to him, and fonder of him, if this is how your future is going to look - avoidance of closeness and sex, always wondering, never quite satisfied and always a bit sad knowing it has to end a some stage.

winter8090 · 22/12/2024 18:52

You've identified all the red flags.

Is he on Facebook?

I think your right to be suspicious. Things don't add up. Single people are always free at least some weekends.

WeeOrcadian · 22/12/2024 18:56

There's definitely more to this than you're aware of

He needs to go back OP

Original poster
LuLu345678 · 22/12/2024 19:10

Thanks for all the responses. I have looked at SM, 192, companies house ect and nothing suspicious. Seems like he hasn’t updated his social media in a few years as it’s all quite old. Unless he has other profiles I can’t find. His name is real though as he has his photo on his work website.
good to know I’m not overthinking. Really hard one as I’ve caught feelings but know logically I’d be settling to continue seeing him.

OP posts:
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