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Original poster

Brother and adult son argument

16 replies

SparklyGreenCrab · 22/12/2024 07:04

Hi all
I need some advice....
My son, 30, lives with me. Early is 2024 we decided to do some work on my house- this isn't the family home it is a house I bought 2 years ago. Basically the renovations went horribly wrong- floorboards up, mess everywhere. It was horrendous.
And then I got diagnosed with cancer. I had to move out, rent an airbnb and get builders into help. My brother came down and helped me find airbnb and visited me in the early stages of my treatment.
My treatment didnt go smoothly and i was hospitalised three times. My sons (another son lives nearby) came to visit but no other family came. I didnt mind.
Anyway, my brother did come down again to visit, came earlier than i expected (I had moved back home by now because the work was nearly finished) he saw the house and had a go at my son. When I got back,, they had another one- not swearing but my son said my brother hadn't helped or visited....my brother said my son was making me ill.
They haven't spoken since. My brother won't stay here. I don't know what (if anything) I should do. I've asked my brother to apologise, as the elder adult and someone whose mother isn't seriously ill, but he refuses.
Any advice, please?

OP posts:
Opentooffers · 22/12/2024 07:21

If the house was nearly finished when you moved back in, what was it about arriving in the house that your DB took offence to? Are we talking general untidiness and a clear lack of housework because he arrived early? TBH, having gone through cancer treatment too this year, I can understand how domestic duties from your end could slide, it's exhausting. But your DS is 30, and living with you, so should be doing the majority of housework, if not all, at this time. Does your DB have a point somewhere maybe, although he could of been less acerbic about it?

parietal · 22/12/2024 07:35

Even if the house is a horrible mess, it is not your brothers job to tell off your son. Or was the argument about something else?

BilboBlaggin · 22/12/2024 07:37

Need more context about what you mean when you say your DB "saw the house and had a go at your son". Was that due to the renovations, or general untidiness/cleaning. If the latter then your DB was probably right, because a 30yo man should be capable of taking on the lions share of household duties for a while. Does your son generally help at all with housework, or do you do it all?

Happyinarcon · 22/12/2024 07:44

I had to move out, rent an airbnb and get builders into help.

Your brother probably felt that as your son was well into adulthood and living with you, he should have organised this after your diagnosis

Original poster
SparklyGreenCrab · 22/12/2024 08:45

Opentooffers · 22/12/2024 07:21

If the house was nearly finished when you moved back in, what was it about arriving in the house that your DB took offence to? Are we talking general untidiness and a clear lack of housework because he arrived early? TBH, having gone through cancer treatment too this year, I can understand how domestic duties from your end could slide, it's exhausting. But your DS is 30, and living with you, so should be doing the majority of housework, if not all, at this time. Does your DB have a point somewhere maybe, although he could of been less acerbic about it?

Hi all
Thank you for your replies. I really appreciate your thoughts and input.
The outside of the house was piled with stuff- wood, rubble etc that needed to go to the tip. I couldn't drive at that point so I couldn't deal with it and I think my son was so overwhelmed, he didn't really clock it. I suppose I had given up even trying to control the work on the house at that point.

OP posts:
Original poster
SparklyGreenCrab · 22/12/2024 08:46

BilboBlaggin · 22/12/2024 07:37

Need more context about what you mean when you say your DB "saw the house and had a go at your son". Was that due to the renovations, or general untidiness/cleaning. If the latter then your DB was probably right, because a 30yo man should be capable of taking on the lions share of household duties for a while. Does your son generally help at all with housework, or do you do it all?

I do all the housework. I'm not sure how this will work when I have my operation in a few weeks. I'm hoping my son will step up.

OP posts:
Original poster
SparklyGreenCrab · 22/12/2024 08:47

Happyinarcon · 22/12/2024 07:44

I had to move out, rent an airbnb and get builders into help.

Your brother probably felt that as your son was well into adulthood and living with you, he should have organised this after your diagnosis

You're right. I think I am too mothering.....

OP posts:
Original poster
SparklyGreenCrab · 22/12/2024 08:49

parietal · 22/12/2024 07:35

Even if the house is a horrible mess, it is not your brothers job to tell off your son. Or was the argument about something else?

I wonder if this has been brewing for a while. They've had fall outs in the past but they were over practical issues like food (!) Or not going to the pub. This felt emotional- like they were vying for who was most supportive.

OP posts:
Pashazade · 22/12/2024 11:30

So your brother is punishing you (by refusing to visit and give you support) for his argument with your son? Wow mature.
Your son is old enough to he helping you out properly, so he perhaps should have stepped up more, you need to make this clear regarding housework before your op btw. But your brother needs to rise above it really, they're both grown men.

Original poster
SparklyGreenCrab · 22/12/2024 12:02

Pashazade · 22/12/2024 11:30

So your brother is punishing you (by refusing to visit and give you support) for his argument with your son? Wow mature.
Your son is old enough to he helping you out properly, so he perhaps should have stepped up more, you need to make this clear regarding housework before your op btw. But your brother needs to rise above it really, they're both grown men.

Thank you. It is really useful to have someone else's perspective😊

OP posts:
brummumma · 22/12/2024 13:59

So let's get this straight

  • you have cancer
  • you have a man in his 30s living with you
  • you do all the housework
  • you are renovating and the house is a mess

Yeah if I was your brother I'd have tore your son a new one too

He should have got off his arse a long time ago to start pulling his weight and I'm sure he could have managed a run to the tip or arranged a skip

TENSsion · 22/12/2024 14:05

brummumma · 22/12/2024 13:59

So let's get this straight

  • you have cancer
  • you have a man in his 30s living with you
  • you do all the housework
  • you are renovating and the house is a mess

Yeah if I was your brother I'd have tore your son a new one too

He should have got off his arse a long time ago to start pulling his weight and I'm sure he could have managed a run to the tip or arranged a skip

I agree with this.

ACatNamedRobin · 22/12/2024 17:32

brummumma · 22/12/2024 13:59

So let's get this straight

  • you have cancer
  • you have a man in his 30s living with you
  • you do all the housework
  • you are renovating and the house is a mess

Yeah if I was your brother I'd have tore your son a new one too

He should have got off his arse a long time ago to start pulling his weight and I'm sure he could have managed a run to the tip or arranged a skip

Also agree with this.
OP, your son has been taking advantage of you, including now that you have cancer.

Original poster
SparklyGreenCrab · 22/12/2024 19:47

ACatNamedRobin · 22/12/2024 17:32

Also agree with this.
OP, your son has been taking advantage of you, including now that you have cancer.

Show quote history

Hi all
OK. I take this on board. Thank you for your thoughts and time. I really appreciate your perspective . Xx

OP posts:
TENSsion · 22/12/2024 20:07

You deserve so much better op.

Here’s to a happy and healthy 2025 xx

Original poster
SparklyGreenCrab · 23/12/2024 05:08

TENSsion · 22/12/2024 20:07

You deserve so much better op.

Here’s to a happy and healthy 2025 xx

Thank you.
I'm glad I posted xx

OP posts:
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