How to be less preoccupied with sisters being low contact

[ThePartyArtist]

Both my sisters are low contact. Long story but probably about perceiving me to be favouritised by my parents. I became suddenly unwell / disabled 5 years ago, my parents gave me a lot of support (emotional and practical) and my sisters seem angry at this. Both have gone low contact with me (and my parents). It upsets me and I find myself obsessing over it, how do I care a little less?

One sister is child free and extremely low contact. Almost every attempt by me to be in touch is ignored. This one's a bit easier to cope with as she's a pretty unpleasant person anyway so not a lot lost. It does make me sad though. I think she's a deeply unhappy person, probably ND or mentally unwell.

Other sister has a child and newborn. This low contact I find sadder as I want a relationship with the kids, and her. She is interested in our kids having relationships but not really in the relationship between me and her. Eg. Video calls occasionally happen but she won't be on screen or really talk to me. On our family whatsapp she (and her husband) ignore everyone else's input, and only post about their own kids. If I post equivalent about mine it is ignored. I show plenty of interest in her updates on her child, but get next to no recognition of my own child. Same if any of us (me, DH, my parents) post anything about ourselves- it's just ignored.

At times we meet up she will 100% talk about herself or her own family, or wait to be asked. Absolutely nothing about me / us - not even 'how are you?' I feel invisible. When I messaged her saying I have a hospital appointment to check s breast lump (context being: I can't facilitate a video call between the kids at the arranged time) she and her husband completely ignored - no 'hope you're ok'.

The low contact thing is the reality. I can't change it and have done extensive counselling to try to accept the relationship with its limitations rather than yearning for more. I feel I obsess over it though, every bit of small contact feels unfulfilling and I feel unseen. I think about her a lot and feel rejected. I know in reality that some of it stems from her being disorganised or just not thinking. How do I obsess over it less?

They are getting something out of ignoring you. Every time you contact them and they consciously don’t contact you, or have less contact than they know you want, that makes them feel good. So stop it. Live your life within the family you have made, and leave them to their sad little lives. Let them see you happy, not begging for a crumb of attention from them.

It might be helpful to stop picking the scab.

Mute the WhatsApp.

Stop initiating contact that then gets rejected.

Find other things to fill the time and focus on what positive things you can do for your child, and the other positive people they can develop relationships with.

It sounds like the therapy could be unfinished.

Personally I think I'd seek counselling.

I expect there is a bunch of family personalities/history that could be explored that will help you accept the situation and stop gnawing at the wound.

If giving your disabled adult child help causes your other adult children to distance themselves there is something not right going on with the people involved as that is not a normal response.

I would spend some time on your understanding of it so you can recognise the reality, where you have control and whose really at fault here.

It may be sad but truth and acceptance of it will help it stop going round and round

Let go. Your pain comes from the longing to have different sisters to the ones you have and attempting to get that on every interaction. You don't get it and the wound opens again and again.

I have a similar dynamic in my family, except I'm the LC one. We were all raised by emotionally immature parents, one of whom has strong narc traits and spent our childhood shaming, terrorising, dividing and conquering. A sibling then got desperately mentally ill, which sucked up all of parents' attention. In our adult years the other, youngest sister would become the spotlight, favoured and supported and obsessed over while I tried to build my own life elsewhere.

I've carried painful feelings of neglect, being unimportant, not mattering, not being seen or understood and never having parents I could ask for support my entire life. My sisters only function to remind me of this, and being around them means bearing witness to the present parenting they've had and being absorbed in a dynamic where I am the least prioritised in the room, so it's not something I care to experience much anymore. I have my own life and my own people now.

There's a family dynamic at play that doesn't feel supportive or functional or positive to your sisters would be my guess here. So they are managing that in the way that feels least damaging to them. Which doesn't work out favourably for you, or at least you've not down enough inner work to understand, grieve the relationships and accept things for how they are. For what it's worth, I don't hate my "favoured" sister or wish any ill on her. I love her and am proud of what she's done with her life. I just can't co-exist in a family where the energy revolves around anyone but me at all times, my feelings never get to matter and others get to benefit from my marginalisation.