Moving past relationship anxiety

[Uol2022]

I’m currently in a relationship. First proper thing since divorce. I fell in love very hard. For various practical reasons (details not really relevant but think different locations plus family / work commitments) we couldn’t see each other much until recently. That made the whole relationship uncertain because we both wanted to be in a “full time” relationship and it wasn’t clear how long it would take us to get there. That was the situation for about 3 years. It was hard but I like him so much and didn’t want to give up. He obviously stuck with it too but often voiced that we can’t carry on like this. Recently we have had a change of circumstances and are living together. All good, getting on well.

I can’t shake the anxiety. I hate being apart from him for even one night because instinctively it feels like it might be forever. I want a lot of reassurance all the time. He already gives so much but I’m hyper sensitive to the tiniest hint of rejection. I play out scenarios where he decides he doesn’t like me any more, or where practicalities again conspire against us somehow. There are some realistic concerns but logically I know I just have to accept those risks and do what I can (or end the relationship) but I obsess over them and add many more worries that are not realistic.

Does anyone have advice for how to get past relationship anxiety? Maybe you were cheated on in the past, how did you learn to trust again? How can I feel less afraid of being alone or being rejected?

This sounds debilitating. The problem is your neediness is going to end up becoming a self fulfilling prophecy. There is only so much reassurance anyone can give and tbh I would find this an absolute drain.
We all worry about getting hurt but its important not to face problems before you come to them. To keep balance and stability. CBT or self help might be worth a try. You can’t help the way you feel. Keep busy. Give him every reason by being the best partner you can to come back but treating him as your therapist or emotional crutch imho could end up causing what you fear most.

Should add keeping your own life busy and active will help. In New Year sign up to some hobbies you like. You need your self esteem restored. Your value doesn’t depend on your relationships. Sorry too you’re suffering like this - to obsess over every tiny detail must be exhausting and you need relief. Good luck.

Thank you. Fully agree that he’s not my therapist or emotional crutch. Very much trying to take responsibility for my own shit.

I was the one that moved to give us a proper shot so right now I don’t have many local friends and still figuring out my routine for hobbies (not to mention, still figuring out my new work!). I’m gradually building up all of that and I have some excellent old friends who I’m making an effort to stay in touch with.

I don’t really feel like my value depends on being in a relationship, as such (though it’s true my self esteem is low). But I know I like being in a relationship and I’d be so sad to lose him in particular. I enjoy the partnership and closeness and I think he’s a very special person. You’re right, almost everyone worries about being hurt, it’s just finding the strategies so that’s not a central focus.

I started a self help cbt thing a while ago, maybe time to give that another go.