He said I gaslight him

[Oldmouse]

My husband has accused me of gaslighting him several times over the last 3-4 weeks and did it again tonight in front in our 11yo DD.

He has a very good way of confusing me, making out that I do absolutely nothing around the house and that I'm so consumed with my job that I don't pay any attention to anyone else's issues. He claims I put words in his mouth but just because I explain something he said in a slightly different way then I'm making it up or not remembering it correctly. He makes me question my memory if I can't recall a conversation word for word....if I can't then I'm gas lighting him by changing the conversation.

He has said in the past I have an issue with my memory, he's called my a psycho if I get angry when we argue.

After talking about it tonight after arguing in front of our DD (something I'm very ashamed off) he admitted I don't gaslight but I think he'll probably say it again. I told him I don't want to be with someone that says that I abuse them and why on earth would he want to be with me?!

An example recently is that me mentioned his dad went to a memory clinic to test for dementia last week. His dad has been in ill health for various reasons for years, every time I ask my OH how he is or for any update he brushes it off and barely gives any info (fine, I've learnt not to pry or push for info). So be because I didn't ask after FIL today OH says I'm consumed in myself and that I think I'm the only one with 'issues'. I don't claim to have issues but have had a couple of big things happen this year that I've found hard to deal with.

I feel like I'm walking on egg shells constantly, I really do think OH is controlling and I want to leave but he says I couldn't cope financially (,we both work FT) as and I genuinely can't imagine the children not living with him, they'd be so upset as they see him as this amazing dad. I think my DD is starting to see the reality though.

Everything has to be gone his way dvd I feel down trodden.

What do I do? Maybe I am a delusional and selfish as he says I am and I am a manipulative has lighter.

He's gaslighting you and abusive. Leave. It's not fair for your DC to be in that environment full time so you aren't staying for their benefit.

Work out yourself what you need to do financially. Don't listen to what he tells you.

Yes, he is controlling. Yes, he's the one 'gaslighting' you.

I want to leave but he says I couldn't cope financially

You both agree you shouldn't be together but he says you've got to stay because you need his money?? Read that back and ask what you're doing to yourself!

How would you feel if, when she's older, your DD came to tell you she's in a very unhappy relationship but feels trapped by only having her own wage?

You can do this, you know, and you should do it for all your sakes. Ring Women's Aid - or email them, they'll be very busy this time of year

You should have said you did ask but he didn't answer so you left it sauce for the goose

But seriously if this keeps on you will end up recording conversations because you will feel so paranoid consider what exactly your getting out of this relationship

Is it going to get better?
Is he going to change?
You know the answers.
And you know if things carry on you’ll get totally worn away and depressed.
It’s unhealthy - not just for you, for the kids too, and it’s going to get worse not better.

You need couples therapy.

No to couples therapy!. It is never recommended where there is abuse of any type within the relationship.

OP - plan your exit now and with due care. He is the gaslighter here; not you. Get your kids also away from him. Seek support from the likes of Womens Aid and get a Solicitor on board asap. This man will continue to make your and in turn your DCs lives an utter misery so long as you stay with him.

Defintitely no to coupels therapy.

He is gaslighting YOU. He is making you question your reality. He is making you think you're going mad.

The best gift you can five your children is not to have them live with an abusive person. Although not directly abusing them, they will see it. It will affect them. It could mean they emulate him in adult relationships, or they couple up with someone like him because to them that's 'normal'.

In any case, your children need you to be well and happy, not a shadow of your former self.

By leaving him, and showing them that you don't stay with someone who abuses you, you're doing yourself and them the biggest favour.

(and finally, if on the offchance he's right, and you are abusive highly unlikely) you're still doing the right thing by leaving him).

If you're walking on eggshells you are probably in an abusive relationship. It sounds like your husband is hectoring you and is a bully.

You could contact your local domestic abuse organisation and get some support.

We discussed this a few years ago and I went on my own because he said it what was happening was my fault....looking back at that now it is crazy!

That is ridiculous, a little bit concerning as well. I think it may be a problem that both of you have a part in but there’s no solving it if both parties aren’t willing to look at their part in things.

I don't think counselling is going to stop him being nasty to you. He sounds quite cruel actually, and that's unlikely to change.
Of course you can manage without him. You don't need to convince him of that, or get his permission, you just need to start investigating your options and formulate a plan. Don't bother discussing it with him because he will try to undermine you again.

Abusive men always but always blame others and they never apologise nor accept any responsibility for their actions.

Oh no. Definitely not. It is a really REALLY bad idea to have joint counselling if the relationship is in any way abusive.

He believes she is abusive. They need counselling, they are confusing each others intentions and both feeling controlled.

Whatever the reason - it’s toxic. OP is being poisoned by it, possibly him too. She’s tried to get help to make things better - he won’t. Sometimes it’s best to take a break just to have space to think clearly.

He believes she's abusive - so sent her to couples counselling on her own? Wouldn't he have welcomed an opportunity to be heard & understood, validated as her victim?

Most abusers resist discussing their relationship, for fear of exposure. As it goes, few practitioners are astute enough to recognise abusive dynamics, but they can still make things awkward with their insistence on talking.

No, I did see that after I wrote that. I agree with you.

I agree.

Couples therapy is very dodgy with a gas lighter! It's not typically advised, instead seen an experienced female counsellor on your own is probably much better for you!

He's the abusive one btw. The minute a guy says you're psycho for arguing back then that tells me everything. Calling someone a Psycho for their extreme emotional reactions ( triggered by constant abuse and gaslighting), then you know you're dealing with a gaslighter.

It's called reactive abuse when someone completely flips out and loses it in response to someone who has gaslit them and baited them over a long period. Then they call you crazy and you believe it. Once you see what's really happening all their power is gone.

This is emotional abuse. I could have written this post word for word about my exh.

You're not the gaslighter in this situation OP.

Never reccomended to have joint therapy with an abuser, terrible advice

Calm down and read the thread before you reply.

I’ve read it and plenty of others agree with me. Hope you’re not a therapist

Did you see where I agreed with others 🤔

He is telling her she is abusive. DARVO at its finest.

As I already said, if ever there is any abuse in a relationship, then joint counselling is a terrible idea.