Not sure how to ever get over what he said.. Trigger warning?

[nshtegpi]

I was with my ex for 23 years, Classic case of me thinking we were happy and him leaving me for a younger woman he met at work.

During the time he was leaving me he said some horrible things about me/us, which after reading on here I now know it to be the script, things such as saying I was always controlling, he was never happy with me, He never found me attractive etc, he then went one step further and told me he never once wanted sex with me, he told me I forced him into it.

We split up five years ago and I haven't had sex with anyone since, Never dated or even kissed anyone because i can't get over what he said. he's basically accused me of forcing him into sex for 23 years.

Anyone been through anything similar? how did you get over it?

Yep. My ex-husband said the same thing to me. I was devastated. Turns out it’s all part of the same script that cheating men use. They convince themselves that they’ve been wronged and that their cheating was some kind of escape. It’s bullshit and it’s designed to hurt you.
I got therapy; it helped.

I wonder if you were / are so in shock with him abandoning you after 23 years that you havent processed that but have got stuck on his words as a way to 'make sense' of it - even though its not true - just something to cling to when traumatised.

He is a bastard for cheating and making up shit that has paralysed you.

Have you had any professional support for this life shattering exprience?

Well done for posting here tonight. Thats an important step.

I am sorry he abandoned you and blamed you in the most shaming and humiliating way to punish you for his disgusting actions.

Not quite the same but when I left my ex (emotional and financial abuse) he went through the same script and said I was controlling and forced him to have a vasectomy, among various other slanders on my character.

The simple fact is that unless you held him down and rode up and down on him, or made terrible threats to get him to have sex with you, you certainly did not force him to have sex, not even once, let alone for the entirety of your marriage.

In general, it is very difficult for one grown adult to make another grown adult do something against their will without physical force or a strong threat.

If you are a person for whom the truth is important, it can be incredibly hard to accept that someone would blatantly lie to your face. But that is what is happening. He cannot accept his own failings so he is just tearing you down to feel better.

In a funny way I think they actually subconsciously make the accusations so extreme they are unbelievable as they can’t bring themselves to say something grounded.

Five years is way too long to let this hold you back. If you haven’t had counseling to help you move past it, I’d really recommend it.

My husband told his affair partner who he left me for that I was boring in bed, he'd never fancied me, I was rude to his friends and family, I was only interested in sex to have children, I was selfish and snotty, he hated my mother, I dressed frumpish and my vagina smelled stale.

Please don't listen to him. I was told that he realised he made a mistake shortly after we'd married under enormous pressure from him. His mother pointed out to him that he'd stayed for 15 years 🤷🏻‍♀️. I was told by OW I'd tricked him into having a baby except he'd messed with my contraception and held me down by the throat and stealth removed condoms raped me to get me pregnant. I was told I couldn't give him what he needed which largely included BDSM and pegging. Never asked me to do either of those things. They talk utter shite to justify their position. It's shit, it takes a long time to recover and you're going to need some counselling and a lot of support. You'll be glad to be rid of the gaslighting cunt eventually