Hubby | Mumsnet

user1485851222 · 2024-12-21T20:17:57+00:00

Let me start by saying I love DH & he shows he loves/cares for me in so many ways. A few years ago we upped sticks and moved to an area where we don't know anyone. We then took early retirement. When we moved I said I was giving up my friendship groups and he would need to step up and do things he might not want to do. This hasn't happened, he doesn't want to go out of an evening anymore i.e. pub etc. If we go for a meal we go at 6pm and we are back by 8pm. He will do coffee etc during the day. I've tried joining local clubs, I've made a few friends, but they are attached to their DH and if we do anything of a night, their DH have to come along, likewise if I suggest a girlie weekend. DH can be stubborn, won't do anything, or go anywhere he doesn't want to. So I'm stuck in most nights. I do go away every few months, for a night or two, but then feel guilty (ish), he's at home. Any suggestions to tempt him out. BTW, he is happy & content & takes care of me, in so many ways.

Itchyclitoris · 21/12/2024 20:30

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Original poster

user1485851222 · 21/12/2024 20:37

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Trust me I have

OP posts:

TipsyJoker · 21/12/2024 22:15

He’s not going to do what you want him to. He’s not interested in going out the way you are. You can’t tempt him. He’ll just resent you or not be into it and you’ll be disappointed. I would follow your own interests and find friends through that. Also, I would go to the pub on my own if I felt like it and make friends there but I’m bolshie like that. Why can’t your friends go out without their husbands? That’s weird. And stop feeling guilty for going away and leaving him at home. He wants to be there, you don’t. So, wave him goodbye and enjoy your time away guilt free.

AskJateace · 21/12/2024 22:16

I'm just wondering if he was like this before you guys moved? If so, this is just who he is. But, if this has been only recent after the move, then clearly he is not comfortable with being out and around in the new community. I believe that after some time, eventually he will feel more comfortable with going out and possibly making friends and being social. For some people it just takes time. Change is difficult for some folks and they find it hard to adjust to new environments and people, whether the change is positive or negative. You might want to initiate a conversation about having a night out on the town at least once a week so he will have the opportunity to get use to the environment, as well as mingle and get to know people in that area. I don't see why he wouldn't agree to it anyway, since it would be a good way for you to spend quality time together and get to know the others as a couple. I think you being in certain places with him aside from just going to out for dinner will help him to feel more comfortable and more open to spending time outside of the house.

Dery · 21/12/2024 23:21

Why do you feel guilty about socialising without him? He’s opting out. You’re making alternative arrangements. Nothing to feel guilty about. Plus I think that’s healthy and normal. DH and I do a mix of joint socialising and separate socialising. Works well for us.

Original poster

user1485851222 · 22/12/2024 17:16

TipsyJoker · 21/12/2024 22:15

He’s not going to do what you want him to. He’s not interested in going out the way you are. You can’t tempt him. He’ll just resent you or not be into it and you’ll be disappointed. I would follow your own interests and find friends through that. Also, I would go to the pub on my own if I felt like it and make friends there but I’m bolshie like that. Why can’t your friends go out without their husbands? That’s weird. And stop feeling guilty for going away and leaving him at home. He wants to be there, you don’t. So, wave him goodbye and enjoy your time away guilt free.

Thanks for your comments, I'm as confused as you as why my female friends won't do anything with out their DH's. They say their DH's would enjoy it to and wouldn't like to miss out. Weird I know, i think it changes the dynamic of the event, but it is what it is & they seem happy. Like I said my hubby is happy, just id like to do more. Saying that I've gone away 7 times this year, without him and 3 times with him..

OP posts:

Original poster

user1485851222 · 22/12/2024 17:17

AskJateace · 21/12/2024 22:16

I'm just wondering if he was like this before you guys moved? If so, this is just who he is. But, if this has been only recent after the move, then clearly he is not comfortable with being out and around in the new community. I believe that after some time, eventually he will feel more comfortable with going out and possibly making friends and being social. For some people it just takes time. Change is difficult for some folks and they find it hard to adjust to new environments and people, whether the change is positive or negative. You might want to initiate a conversation about having a night out on the town at least once a week so he will have the opportunity to get use to the environment, as well as mingle and get to know people in that area. I don't see why he wouldn't agree to it anyway, since it would be a good way for you to spend quality time together and get to know the others as a couple. I think you being in certain places with him aside from just going to out for dinner will help him to feel more comfortable and more open to spending time outside of the house.

He's fine with the location etc, it's just hes more of a homebody and doesn't need pubs etc.

OP posts:

nodramaplz · 22/12/2024 17:18

I mean, surely this is on you for giving up your friendship groups.
I'm at a loss why you would do this then expect someone else to step in that doesn't want to.
When you go away on your own, why can't you go visit your friends?

category12 · 22/12/2024 17:22

Drop the guilt and go out without him.

Keep trying to make friends and you'll eventually find some who aren't as attached to the hip to their spouses. Join some groups or classes. Do stuff on your own.

If he doesn't like to socialise or do much in the evenings, just leave him behind - it's not really fair to drag him out if he's a homebody - and neither should you stay home most nights if you like to be out and about.