Do you have a husband who has Autism?

[MummyToBeAgain1]

Hi

I'm at a stage in life where I feel so so deflated and angry.

My husband of 10 years has high functioning autism. Putting aside the number of issues he's caused in the past, we have a new one and a much more serious one at that.

We've been trying to find a property to buy since the last few years. He's fixated on buying a large property that has a number of specific features and in a specific area. These properties are at a price that we can not afford nor will we be able to in the next 10 years. He has near enough no money management skills so whatever we've saved has been through me.

2 months ago we went to view a property, loved it - it was slightly higher price wise than our budget so we stuck to what we could afford and gave an offer accordingly. This was initially rejected however 1 month later the EA came back to say the sellers have considered your offer and will accept.

Were now nearly 2 months on, the bank has accepted our mortgage and given us documents, the solicitor is doing his checks etc.

Since about 2, 3 weeks ago, DH started of with having 'thoughts' about regretting this decision. 'What if it's too small, what if the price is not worth it.' Despite, the bank valuing the house higher than our offer. It's almost like he's become fixated on this and can't consciously get himself out of the rut. He's been using whatever techniques he knows to change his thoughts but I think deep inside he knows nothings working.

He's done this in the past with major decisions - where he goes along with it but mid-way backs of eventhough it's obvious that he's making the wrong decision.

Just to add on - he's had a really rough few weeks at work where they expected to carry out work over sometimes 12-13 hours and the expectations are unrealistically high and this isn't going to get better anytime soon.

This morning he started again about how his scared the house is 'tiny' (it's not) and we're making the wrong decision. It ended up in a argument in which he said buy it yourself then - I can't.

It's a repititive cycle that seems to come about whenever there's a decision to make.

Any thoughts on how I can help him through this?

Tia

Op I don't know if this would help as everyone's experience of autism is different - I'm autistic and can get a bit like this, and for me it's related to having a need to research everything very thoroughly, and having a plan. I don't trust other people to have researched things enough or to have a good enough plan, so someone telling me 'it's fine' will really wind me up, one because it invalidates my feelings, and two because I don't believe they have looked into things enough to tell me that! After making a big decision I'll worry about whether I've missed some evidence/research, plus the anxiety of the change is there, even if its a change I want, it's still stressful.

However the thing about plans and decisions for me is actually not that I dislike the outcome - I haven't thought that far ahead. For me the worry is the uncertainty and not having a plan for that new outcome.

I wonder whether it would help to talk through with your husband about the eventualities. Eg if he says the house is too small, you can say that you think it's enough space, but what do you think it would be like if we moved in and it is a bit smaller than you'd hoped? If we moved in and the house prices change, how would that affect us?

Buyers remorse for big purchases is natural for anyone, and talking through the worst case scenarios and realising that you can deal with them can be helpful.

Is it worth calculating square footage and looking at the price for what you get for this and other properties? Sometimes making things a bit more concrete can help.

@Wimberry

You've literally hit the nail on the head. Every single word you've said describing yourself (and DH) is exactly what I meant by my post.

I'm the 'other' party in this situation and whilst I know he wants to 'make sure' he doesn't miss anything - I feel totally unheard and not trusted. I feel angry that I'm jointly buying this property, worked overtime for the last month (6 days a week) and at this point my opinion doesn't matter anymore. If you get what I mean. At the same time knowing full well he doesn't mean it like that.

Your 2nd to last paragraph was spot on. A week ago i did say exactly that but it obviously hasn't been enough.

We physically viewed the house in October yet his managed to find a picture of the house from over 10 years ago and the fixation has got stronger because of that picture. The picture was before the extension and before the chimneys were removed.

On the contrary, he's been sending me piks of houses on market at similer prices or a bit more and explaining how we've actually got a good deal. He's also admitted that it's just this thing in my mind about the rooms being literally a foot bigger.

I honestly don't know how to help him anymore. I don't know what to do.

I feel like just when I've got one of the issues in his mind covered, he brings another and they seem to be endless at this point.

@NoBodyIdRatherBe

He's done that himself to try and get his mind out of this problem.
He's fixed on how if the house was 'just 1 foot bigger' kind of situation. The reality is we've seen properties that are bigger - they were too pricy or not the right layout for us.
He's also compared properties at our price range and they smaller or similer.

I know this is out of his control but it's the last thing you need when you're buying a property - the stress of the process is bad enough let alone having to deal with this now!

Thank you for listening.

My husband is autistic.
Research is crucial to every decision but he can cope with the concept that sometimes circumstances mean that we are choosing from a selection of imperfect options and his research is to ensure that we are selecting the best of the imperfect options.
If you cannot afford the size property that he would like now, but this is the biggest, nicest house you can get, then it is the right choice.
Could he work with that?

Also, although this is a big decision, it is not an irreversible one.
Some things are harder to unpick than others but although it might take time to undo, it is possible. People do it all the time.

Honestly I think you need to stop trying to help him, acknowledge that the uncertainty is difficult (and that you're picking from imperfect options like the PP suggested) and also find yourself some support from a friend/family member about the responsibility you're having to deal with on your own. You might be able to limit his spiralling by the discussions above about plans and imperfect choices, but he won't be able to settle about it until after you've moved in and he's got his new routine.

The reality is he can't help you emotionally right now. The background anxiety is there, and it won't go away until the situation has changed. He might be able to acknowledge it later, and be sympathetic retrospectively, but he can't do it now. It's weird, being autistic you can know logically that you have dealt with new situations before, but it's like your brain forgets or doesn't trust you have transferable skills, and so a new situation feels impossible. I feel like that about having to walk into a new restaurant I haven't visited before, so a house move is off the scale!

It will be an anxiety thing. Just keep reassuring him, point out facts (it's been valued higher than you're actually paying), it is stressful but once it's all done and you've moved in and settled you'll both very likely be happy you've made this decision. Make sure he's involved in all the decisions, research together if necessary or send him info you've found etc. I also find (as wimberry suggested) that looking at how you would deal with any problems settles my anxiety more than just pretending nothing can ever go wrong. If the worst comes to the worst it's still a stepping stone to a different and potentially bigger/better home.

DP is similar.

In addition, he finds it really difficult to be accountable for big spends and projects, so will often initiate and research options really enthusiastically, and narrow things down, but will defer to me to take the casting vote. I've been burnt by this a few times when things have not worked out the way he expected (from interior decorating to car purchases to landscaping ‐anything) and he's felt able to sit back and say "Well, I didn't agree to this, did I?" despite having handed over responsibility for decision making with his blessing.

I've learnt when to lead and when to step away and let plans literally collapse if I feel he might not be able to deal with a high stakes outcome not going his way.

I'd also remember that when you're autistic change and transitions can be really hard. DH finds airports and going to the airport really hard. DS hates change and the idea of his room being redecorated can send him into a meltdown. Both are absolutely fine once the change/transition has happened.

The problem with house buying is that you have this very long drawn out process where there is a lot of time for anxiety to build and the opportunity for minor things to be fixated on. Maybe you could go back to him and repeat back to him all he has said to you about what a good deal you have.

If you can i'd avoid getting into a row (although god I'd want to) as it sounds like he just shuts down and then wants to walk away. Maybe instead suggest he keeps researching it and that he should keep you up to date with what he finds - or say things like, well lets see what the survey finds - and just keep the process moving forward. I bet you anything that once it's bought and you're in he'll be fine.

Gem359 - that is absolutely spot on!

I'm autistic and ADHD. Married to an autistic man.

DH needs to research things to the nth degree. It can paralyse getting on with things sometimes and can be a bit maddening. I've learned to leave him to it for a bit, and inevitably he will come to the conclusion that the "optimum setup" he's looking for does not actually exist, and he has to start thinking about compromise.

House buying is also, as a pp said, very drawn out, it leaves a lot of room for rumination (which autistic brains are often very drawn to) and worry. I think because DH struggles to imagine the future, he needs to make it as predictable as possible. My brain isn't quite as linear as his, which I guess is the ADHD mixed in. I will get to the point where I get so bored of thinking about the same thing I just don't care any more, whereas he does not get bored with thinking over the same problem many, many times, hoping there is a different solution!

I also really relate to the not feeling trusted and even though I'm ND myself, I often feel like he thinks I'm stupid. He doesn't - he just has a brain that sees things in minute detail. I, on the other hand, do not. I have a patterns and systems brain, whereas he is a very bottom up, detail first processor. Sometimes it's good - he sees things I miss. But the downside is, he gets stuck in the weeds with things because he just can't see the bigger picture. And he often thinks I've missed something when I really haven't - he's just looking for something that isn't there.

I'm quite blunt about it now when I'm not longer interested and it's time for him to go off down the rabbit hole himself, and then it's up to him to pull himself out of it!

This really made me laugh but I married someone with ADHD and it nearly broke me. I look back now and think to myself, why didn’t I marry someone without ADHD?

Answer: it didn’t click until two years after. All the while I was over functioning for the both of us hence

@Gem359 @Wimberry @NoBodyIdRatherBe @WomanIsTaken @Minjeeta @Gioia1 @JetskiSkyJumper @SandrenaIsMyBloodType @CrazyGoatLady

Thank you to everyone for your advice/stories - helps me put things in to perspective. I come from a family who doesn't understand autism/adhd nor do they want to which leaves me with no support.

As you've said, the process of buying a house is long - which leaves spaces for uncertainty/doubts to creep in. Especially, for DH as he thinks things through to the smallest detail whereas I'll factor in all points, make a decision and move on.

I guess it's not my place to make him think or believe what I think is right. He needs to find answers to his own questions and come to his own decision. I can just be a safe place with whom he can explore his thoughts.

I think I'm just scared that one of these days, he'll say 'I've done my research and I feel like this is the wrong decision so I'm not buying the house anymore'.

As well as this impacting me and our future - especially him knowing with his facts that it is the right decision - it puts those who we are buying from in such a bad place! They are also buying a house with the funds they will get from selling to us. It feels so wrong morally because there's no real reason for backing down.

I've never been so scared - a decision which would negatively effect others would not be anything I would consider without a logical explanation! Whereas, it would make no to little difference to DH.

Also a pp mentioned how DH would 'let you' make a decision and later if anything went wrong, he would say well, you're the one who made the decision so it's your issue.
I've been blessed with a DH who does the same which makes it even more important that he comes to this decision himself.

* Update *

Had the chat with DH this morning - he said he doesn't want to buy the house. None of his points made sense - he was all over the place. He then said he's only going along - to make me happy. I nearly lost it at this point - pointed out how he was the 1st one to want to put an offer in and was hyper focused on it for weeks until something snapped and overnight he can't even stand looking at the house because it's too small.

Anyway, the fact of the matter is as usual he's made his mind up and from previous experience he will stick to what he thinks.

I'm honestly gutted. I feel like this is one of the worst situations in my life - when I know full well he's making the wrong decision. I can bet on anything he doesn't even understand why he feels the way he does hence the blame on me but he probably won't want to understand.

His expectations are not realistic, house prices are just going to get higher and we're going to get older. I don't know what to do ;-(

I’m so sorry. This sounds awful. Where are you going to go from here? Do you think your relationship can survive?