Messaging and platonic friend

[ItsAlmostChristmas]

I have a longtime platonic friend who was single. We live a long way apart from each other but maintain a good natured relaxed friendship by messaging.

I’ve realised that friend may now have a partner.

I think the right thing for me to do is to reduce messaging in case it makes the partner feel uncomfortable.

I literally just want to check that I’m not being old fashioned about this as it will change things. We live far apart so don’t run into each other naturally.

How often do you message ?

So you don’t know for sure this guy has a partner, he hasn’t asked you to reduce messaging, but you’re going to do so anyway in case a partner you’re not even sure he has ‘feels uncomfortable’? Why? Are you sending photos of you wearing only baby oil and a smile or something?

The messaging was daily. Just two people living alone keeping each other company with mundane chat.

I read on mumsnet a lot of posts by people who aren’t happy about how much time their partners spend messaging single friends. I can understand why and don’t like the idea of anyone getting upset.

I guess it’s like any other time when one of a pair of friends couples up. The one who hasn’t coupled up feels left behind a little bit.

I'd find it really strange if I had a platonic friend that I chatted to daily had a new partner that they had failed to mention

Sorry pressed post too soon.....

Surely you'd know if he did or didn't. Fair enough if you u only talked occasionally but surely daily chats include asking what each other did at weekend, plans for upcoming weekend etc.
if I had a platonic friend and was chatting daily I'd definitely mention if I'd been dating someone.
No reason not to if it's strictly platonic. The fact he's chosen not to tell you and that you don't have a clear understanding of the situation speaks volumes

@litepop I agree it looks strange. I would be giving everyone detailed accounts of my dating activities, but I’ve known several people who have kept their dating activities fairly low profile until they were ready to introduce someone to their parents (or children).

I tend to reduce this kind of chat out of respect for new partners too. I lost a few male friends from uni in my late 20s as I became single after a LTR and most of them had recently met their now wives I think they didn't encourage them to hang out with their single female friend, but it was never an issue when I was coupled up. It was a gradual thing I didn't really notice until it had happened.
What I also do is make a big effort to be friendly to the new partner and perhaps make a group chat of the three of us after we've met and use that to share jokes etc so it's clearly not excluding her.

That sounds like the right approach @Unexpectedlysinglemum

So you aren't sure if he is dating someone and you aren't sure if his possible partner would mind you exchanging chat. Which you ve been doing for some time with no issue. Leaving aside this woman likely finding out by accessing your private and platonic conversation. It sounds like your adding 1+1 and getting 3 TBH

I have a platonic friend similar to yours (except she lives fairly close by, so we meet up every now and then). Talk or message most days. I started dating someone recently - but I told friend about it only when it didn’t work out. I’d have told her also if we had got to ‘being a proper couple’ stage. She’s much the same - she’ll tell me if (after) she’s had some disaster date 😂. So I wouldn’t see it as strange not to share until it’s definitely on or off. But if it’s ‘on’ then I think it’s really unhealthy for the ‘friend’ to be secret or not to know.