age gap, resentment, can't afford to exit

[newyearchange]

I am looking for some advise how to exit. A bit of a guide. Someone experienced in age gap relationships?
9 years in something that for past 5 has not been a relationship. Gap 17 years. Separate bedrooms, no intimacy, me a skivy and doing more and more despite we both work full time. DP has mentality that because he earns more money he doesnt have to do anything at home and that we should have a cleaner. Every day I am home before him and cook fresh dinner from scratch, I do the laundry, shopping, looking after elderly parent, working full time. If I ask him to help me with anything he either yells at me or rolls his eyes. There is an argument every day, he knows he is not a pleasant man and has had problems in the past but does nothing about it. Ex left him and it took her years to rebuild herself. Whenever she pops in the conversation he gets very agressive towards me. People avoid him as he can be very superior and belittles others including me. When we've met he promised me the world - family, home, marriage. A decade later I am with a grumpy old man that is not interested in anything. I feel like it was all a lie. All he talks about is retirement and how much he earns. I earn considerably less than him and in fact so little I can not afford to move out. We rent as without marriage I was reluctant to tie myself into buying anything. He owns a place but rents it out as it is not conventiently located.
He now avoids topic of commitment because all he wants is a free housekeeper when he is old and to ensure everything goes to his children. My only family is my elderly parent. I am looking for practical tips for exit. I can not stay in this as I am wasting my time. I am in my 40s and feel like I have a lot to give and receive but unfrotunately I do not earn enough atm. I need a good plan. Already looking for a better paid job. Earning how much per annum be enough in your view? (Living with the elderly parent is not possible.)

It doesn’t sound like you have kids? In which case, move out, move into a house share and figure your life out. You’re currently just chucking your time away on this horrid man.

How much you need to earn depends entirely on where you live and what sort of lifestyle you want.

Why don't you find yourself a room in a house share so you can leave? Once you're away from him you can decide next steps but for now, you just need to get away from him as quickly as possible. He sounds awful and it's no way for you to be living.

We rent as without marriage I was reluctant to tie myself into buying anything

Being married makes little difference. If you’d bought a house, you’d both have an interest in it.

Earning how much per annum be enough in your view?

Honestly, OP, with the information you’ve given, nobody can give you an answer to that! Where do you live? What are market rents nearby? What is your salary/qualifications?

I’d rather live in a cheap house share on my own than end up as a carer for a miserable entitled man like that.

Nothing is worth living a life like this. I'd rather be in a flat with UC topping me up and have the prospect of a future happy relationship than carry on the way you are. The fact you don't share children is a blessing and makes it all the more 'doable.' You're too young to just shut up and put up.

My OH is 21 years older - he is kind, generous, respectful and does his share and more. You have a DP problem not an age gap issue.

I’d say this, get excited about a future that you’ll make for yourself. You’re stuck with someone whose only concern is having someone to housekeep for him, and describing a financial future for his children.

I am also mid 40s and if I was in your position, I’d do the following :

• I’d start looking at rooms in nice houseshares, or even an annex on something like spare room where the rent includes the bills. Start looking now (without telling him) it will start you off for your new life on your own, and won’t be forever. Let’s face it, you’re living like this at the moment, in the spare room of a house you share with a virtual stranger (him)
• Look for an extra job, part time in the evenings or at the weekend. Not only will this get you extra money, it will fill your time and you’ll make new friends. Crucially, you won’t be spending money whilst you are working
• longer term, think of a shared ownership where you’d only need a small deposit

This man is adding nothing to your life, he’s treating you like a servant and clearly values you very lowly after all these years.

Start to get excited about what’s to come for you! There will always be reasons why you can’t do it, but you’ll manage and the sense of achievement will be huge.

New year, next part of your life and the hard yards you do to get there will make it feel all the better when you eventually sit in your own house, knowing your hard work got you there.

To get out, you literally need a month's deposit, a month's rent in hand. If you could get together an extra 1000 or 2 as an emergency fund so much the better.
Just start looking for anything suitable. 1 bed flat, house share, anything.

Can you at least temporarily move in with your parent?

If you are looking after an elderly parent and they have a second bedroom I would seriously consider asking if you could move back in. You would only be looking after one home, your bills etc would be halved and you could save up for a deposit to buy your own home. Alternatively, as pp suggest rent a room, annexe etc.

You are not married so no finances to sort out. What I might do is rent a storage unit and one day move out taking your belongings with you, putting large furniture in storage and the rest 8n your new home.

You have 20 years to build your career and save for your pension. Each year you stay the less time you have to build a new life.

Why exactly is it that you can’t leave?

it doesn’t sound like you have children and you’ve said you work full time. There’s no excuse not to leave.

Earning how much per annum be enough in your view?

This is a 'how long is a piece of string' question OP and will entirely depend on the cost of housing in the area where you live, what your outgoings are, etc.

Start by looking at Rightmove to see what price a 1-bed flat will be to rent in the area you want to live, then draw up a list of all your outgoings and costs inc. car, council tax, phone, a reasonable weekly budget for groceries, pensions, etc. Check on this website www.entitledto.co.uk/benefits-calculator/Intro/Home to see if you are entitled to any benefits or top ups as a single person. That's what you need to earn to get out of this dead-end relationship.

You aren't married, there are no children to consider, and you have your own income so it is relatively easy to get your life back on track, even though it probably seems a bit daunting right now.
If you jointly rent the home you're living in, you will need to consider your obligations on that, but I would start putting money aside to move out and go. Life will be immeasurably happier once you start living your life as you wish.