My life is a mess

[Memelir]

Where do I start … My life is a mess… I’m 30 married with 2 children.Me and my husband have been on the verge of divorce in the last almost 3 years.We get along most of the time but there is almost any intimacy not to mention that we are intimate once a month 😣!My father in law died 2 years ago and my My mum died in June.Me and hubby have had some roughy couple of years.I am Eastern European and hubby is English.Since my mom died from cancer I realised she spent her whole life slave to my dad who I also now realised is so selfish I can’t describe it.I have been brought up with the same slavey idea.Clean cook look after hubby and kids don’t open your mouth.It saddens me that my mum died unhappy giving her life to someone who did not appreciate and mentally abused her all her life.After she died my dad had moved to England he doesn’t live with me but when he visit he makes sure I feel how useless I am good for nothing and that I never have done enough for him(unlike like mum who would always be a maid even tho he always used to tell her she is dumb or swear at her and tell her she is ungrateful).When I shared that me and hubby might divorce he told me to basically shut my mouth and be happy with the bare minimum as he wouldn’t even do that for my mum.Im so lonely I’m so scared and I notices some of the trauma I grew up with(I was beaten lots when growing up but have come to terms with that).I’m scared that I might pass down trauma to my children.Hubby comes from very bad household too.I feel so alone I’m suffocating.Im just sharing this here as I found myself in this situation.In my daily life with friends and colleagues I’m the funniest person you will ever meet but I’m so afraid this is tormenting my heart.

I didn't want to read and run. I'm sorry for the loss of your mum, it sounds like losing her has really bought you a new perspective on your marriage. I'm also sorry she lived an unhappy life.
Are you able to talk to your husband about separation at all?
It sounds to me like you could do with some counselling, so much has happened to you from an early age and you sound very isolated and lonely. Maybe talking to someone can help you work through your childhood trauma, your relationship with your dad, and how your marriage is potentially repeating a similar pattern to your parents.
What do you think needs to change for you to find peace? 💐

@justsayso Thank you for your reply.Yes I thought about referring myself to the NHS therapist.I feel scared as this year me and hubby have brought up divorce twice but we always kinda try to work on things and I’m so scared that if he leaves I’ll have nothing..Quite honestly I feel like I’m a hole so deep I kinda just want to disappear.The only thing that keeps me functioning are the kids.I am an early years educator and I known how adults can influence children so I’m so anxious this is reflected on them 🫣Again I really appreciate your reply.Just knowing someone out there has read my story .

I understand your concern about passing your problems onto your children. I think the fact you're worried about it shows that you're doing something right. If you weren't aware, or didn't care about the possibility that your experiences could impact them, it would be much more likely that you would. For a child to have a secure attachment, you only need to be good enough - not perfect.
I think referring to a counsellor via the NHS would be a great idea. Get in there before the January rush haha. It sounds like you haven't had a lot of kindness as a child - show yourself that kindness and speak with someone.