Sister accidentally insulted me. Need help to recover

[Ittakeslonger]

Help please! I need to recover quickly from an accidental insult from my sister. I'm visiting my very elderly mum and sister who live together. My sister is exhausted from caring for my mum. She's very down and at her limit. We had finished a large dinner and was cleaning up the kitchen together. She sighed patted her stomach and then exclaimed ' it's almost as fat as yours' . I said Oh! I'm going to need a moment to absorb that one!' she started saying that she's an exercise teacher (so am I part time) and so she shouldn't have a big stomach. I have put on a lot of weight recently, probably because of a health problem and also because my life is stressful (although not as much as my sister's). I needed to just process this insult quickly and not let it impact my self esteem as I need to help out and be sunny for my mum and my son who's with me ( and who struggles with his mental health). Any nice comments or advice please that might help me feel better about myself please ( apart from pull yourself together!). Thank you ❤️

Three times for me in the last 18 months ish (never before)! 😬😭 (and still size 12)

It doesn't sound like an accident but you just have to remember that there's things much worse than being a little fat and it's often in a certain place or for a length og time. I'm a bit squidgy in the middle 2 years after my 2nd. I'm working on it but it's not the end of the world if I can't shift it.

I definitely think that's a lot of it. She often lashes out and I realise it's because she's at the end of her tether and resentful that she's in the situation of living withy mother who is so frail. I am constantly working with her to try and find a way to release her from this situation but it is complicated when my home is 5 hours drive a way and my mother won't come and stay with me so all I can do is visit often. Thank you so much for your comment. I shall keep trying to find a way to help. X

Sisters are the very best at getting under our skin. It's hurtful, but in the wider scheme of things not so important. You both have a lot on. Hopefully it's a one off remark. And being a little fatter isn't a character flaw or a criminal offence anyway!

Very good point. Food for thought. Thank you 💗

Lol that's true! I think I meant I just needed a bit of time to not feel so hurt and get it into some perspective that a bit tummy isn't something I need to feel awful about.

Very very wise x

Thank you. That's so true x

Assuming that a punch to the face is unacceptable here, I'd go for something like "could be worse sis, my face could be as ugly/wrinkled/(insert insult of your choice) as yours".

Can also be adapted to different body parts/features eg big nose, sticky out ears, flat chest. Don't worry about causing upset - you can just say it was an "accidental", knee jerk reaction to what she said to you.

Aww you sound lovely. I think she does struggle with conversation and I do think tiredness took away her filter x I am going to not worry. Completely right. Much more important things x

Thank you ! You sound kind and positive too x

I would see what your sister said as a complete accident.
I have done something like this twice.
A mum at school was carrying her DC’s cello down a corridor.
Me :“ Oh Stella ( not her real name) let me get the door for you, that cello is enormous, almost as big as you”
This was an off the cuff remark, about the size of the big musical instrument. but could easily have been taken the wrong way.
I certainty did not intend to refer to her size in any way, but I was aware that what I said could be seen as offensive.
Stella seemed to pay no heed to what I’d said and thanked me for holding the door open.

The other time was helping to do some sheep vaccination on a farm in Australia.
We were a group of gap year students and the farmer gave us big bag of mixed size overalls to use.
One student was an XL size, but all we could find in the bag were XS and S and a occasional M.
Everyone was checking the size labels and trying to help find the correct size for her.
I went to another building in search of larger overalls and found some.
I rushed back into the barn shouting “ I found some huge overalls, they will definitely fit you Millie ( not her real name)”

I immediately realised that this had come out wrong on both occasions. But I was also aware that as a spontaneous remark, it was pretty clear that there was no offensive intent.
If I had tried to fix it it may have become more awkward all round, as I would then be putting very direct focus on something personal and perhaps sensitive.

We all say something thoughtless occasionally.

OP, I'm sorry this hurt your feelings, and can totally understand you being upset.

It's hard to say, without hearing her tone, how it was intended. But I guess if it wasn't meant to hurt, and it's factually true that your tummy is bigger than hers, then it's the truth that feels hurtful to you, but it's a reality... so just try to sigh through it, acknowledge to yourself that the size of your tummy makes you feel sad for now, and what a pity your sister unintentionally poked a tender but true area for you. Forgive yourself and her.

If you think it was intentional, then that's on her. Whether it's because she's generally stressed, projecting her own low self esteem, resentful about something she doesn't realise, feeling competitive.... whatever..... it's her baggage not yours. I find it's helpful sometimes just to imagine the baggage as a physical weight, and see yourself lifting it out of yourself. Say 'thank you but this isn't mine' and mentally hand it back to your sister.... or even just dump it in the garbage...

Two other quick techniques I've used:

1. A healing technique: Sit quietly alone for a few minutes.... feel where the hurt is in your body. (Often for emotional hurt it's in your main torso - heart or diaphragm). Feel the physical presence of the hurt. Place a compassion hand on that part of your body, and say to it "I know you're hurting.... (just let yourself acknowledge).... then say "no wonder...."/ "that makes perfect sense"/"that's understandable"... then reassure the hurt "I'm here with you". Extend your compassion if you can, just as you would to a friend who was hurt. Then ask the hurt if it would like to let go of some of the hurt with you..... you can breathe the hurt out of the body, or visualise burning it, putting it into a river to wash away, chucking it I. The garbage crusher etc..... hopefully you feel that part of the body relax a bit. If so, acknowledge that and reassure it you're still there, and it can let go of more later... do the process again later if it's not completely released.

2 then move to a coping technique when with people who are hurtful. Imagine a bubble around you... you can decide a colour, a texture, decorate it any way you want. But it gives you a boundary. Nice stuff can come in.... nasty stuff bounces off, because it's not yours .... just visualise it there while you are with your sister. Might help you feel more empowered.

Good luck!

Thank you x

It's very unusual for someone to call another person fat by accident. We are all conditioned not to use that word. We know it's an insult. I think your sister is possibly harbouring a lot of anger towards you and instead of discussing it, she 'accidentally' gets these digs in.

Having just been screamed at and called all sorts by my DP he couldn't find the washing powder (I am on holiday), you have my sympathy. He and his brother are caring for his mother, so petty things become magnified and take on a significance way beyond normal.
Please don't take it to heart, I doubt she meant it, nor did she intend to insult. Sounds as if she was just lashing out.

Thank you. You are right. Things are calmer this morning . I hope things get better for you x

Oh, that's good to hear!
I had a very apologetic call shortly after, so better!
Merry Christmas! 😊

I'd think to myself: my weight is the least interesting thing about me.

Very very wise 🙂

That sounds very calming
Thank you