DH sulking saying I’m withholding sex

[ShiningSeren]

We haven’t had sex for a long time and I struggle due to historical name calling from DH, awful threats of violence , awful accusations about my parenting and even saying he wished I was dead a couple of times. Told him that I now have a block when it comes to physical affection and sex due to the way he’s treated me. That I can’t forget the things he’s said and done and how it broke something in our marriage.

His response - grow up! These are just thoughts in my head. I need intense counselling due to my issues, it’s lunacy and I act like I’m a star in some bad Netflix drama.

He has needs too and I’m not thinking of him at all. He deserves better. Etc.

I’ve told them I’m fleeing DA and I’m pretty high up the list luckily. It’s weird though, things can be so normal day to day that an onlooker would never believe the things he’s said to me, it’s like it never happened like a bad dream. It’s odd.

Can you leave the relationship? Sounds abusive and like you shouldn’t have to deal with this

You need to leave. This only gets worse 💐

It is not the things he has said it is the things he is thinking!

Imagine what is going through his sick twisted sex obsessed mind.

He is seriously a psycho.

just say no. Who would ever want sex with a man that said even half of the things he’s said. You’re not there to sexually serve him. You have needs to o & you need to be treated better. He’s revolting.🤢

You can reasonably and legally refuse to sleep with him.

Him constantly trying to pressure you into sex, is harassment and it's coercive. This is not legal.

You don't owe him sex.

Tell him this. You can refuse for any reason. This isn't 'withholding sex'. He doesn't have a right to sex.

I’d fucking record him saying this rapey shit and go to the council with it. And the police if you’re so inclined someday in the future.

Unfortunately I've been in your situation. The weird limbo before you can leave is surreal and terrifying and awful for your mental health. Are you talking to woman's aid? They are such a great support.
Have you changed passwords on your banks and all your important things like email, phone/laptop and social media, have you got all important documents and things you really don't want to leave behind out and to your parents incase things dissolve and you need to go. Take metre readings for any bills in your name for the same reasons. If the DC are at school there may be resources available to you there too, my DC's nursery really helped when we had to flee. Redirection is great but takes a few days to set up so bare that in mind. Also have any benefits or stuff in relation to you leaving sent you your parents or a friend's so he doesn't see it.

Good luck! Things are so much better on the other side.

So he's harassing you for sex. Sexual harassment... and he's telling you you're mentally unwell for a perfectly valid response to his emotional manipulation, insults and abuse so... gaslighting.

Call IDAS, and the council, IDAS can do a risk assessment and advocate for you at a MARAC and may be able to bump the priority of your case based on the risk assessed.

Call women's aid as they're fantastic at signposting to legal aid, counselling services, financial support.

See if your local CAB have a financial services drop in or if you can book an appointment so they can go through the benefits or income you'd be entitled to.

I've used all these services and have found them all helpful.

So he verbally abuses you and then wants sex. That's not on. How does he think that'll work. Unfortunately you don't have any options here. Time to make plans to leave.

Why do men think they're "owed" sex?
He's revolting.
He can sulk all he wants.
This situation is his fault.
He doesn't get to shit his pants and then complain he smells something bad.

Why are you still with him after all that?

OP, if he lays one hand on you that is assault.
If you have sex with him under pressure it is RAPE.
Tex him that your relationship is over.
That you are doing your best to leave.
That you do not want sex with him.
That you will NOT have sex with him.

This is proof that you have been clear.

Tell Women's aid that you are terrified for your safety as he has made it clear he feels entitled to sex while you remain in the family home.
He is the lowest scum there is...

Any aggression ring the police.
I am so sorry that things are so hard.
Tell family and friends the truth.

Unless you are scared that he will be physically violent, tell him you find him repulsive and will never have sex with him again.

Have you spoken to Women's Aid or any other DV charities? They could give you advice about getting away from him..

Because it isn't that easy to leave an abusive husband if you don't have anywhere else to go, particularly if you have children. He has said that if they did split up, he would stay in the house.

Contact your local branch of Women's Aid using their local, not national, telephone number. Disclose EVERYTHING to them and then follow their advice. Get out ASAP, go to your parents' if necessary. Ask here about other things you're worried about like redirecting your post. There's lots of experience and expertise to help you leave safely.

Think to yourself ‘thanks’ to him for being so horrible he saves you wasting your life being systematically ground down and abused and GTFO safely. You sound lovely and you’ll make a decent man the proudest husband alive.

Having read all the replies, I don’t think this is good advice. She’s setting up to leave safely and shouldn’t do anything to set off confrontation, it’s way beyond that. She just needs to get out sooner than later to avoid a life changing event. Getting your ‘stuff’ is not worth the risk, she should grab the kids and bank account and go straight to her parents. Housing is further down the list than safety.