What is wrong with me???

[HelpWendy]

Husband and I have been separated for over two years. We have had quite traumatic marriage with the burden of a very serious health diagnosis (which seriously complicated having children) looming over us. Our different reactions to this situation coupled with our opposing personality types slowly drove a glacier sized wedge between us. We were in limbo for so long. We have two primary kids. The last few years have been very tough, it is not at all what we imagined for our family and it is totally at odds with our values. In the last few years while we have been apart DH (or XDH?) has been diagnosed (voluntary testing no symptoms yet) and I feel such guilt and no 1: that I am now abandoning him and feel incredibly disloyal and my vows haunt me even more and no 2: we are good parents (but don’t seem to make eachother happy, like a dead marriage but caring of each other, and both miss our family unit.

There is a lot of water under the bridge, and both of us are trying to move on and be hopeful but we keep circling back even though there isn’t an intimate relationship there for years. Does that mean we should be together (and how??) or does it mean we are codependent or frightened of what the future holds?

I want to get out of limbo but it feels like we are in a holding pen situation.

I keep projecting forward as well to when I will be his carer, how to make a marriage work again when you know this is inevitable. And then what will the kids make of me when they’re older, that it looks like I left their Dad. Why am I hanging on.

Wow, this is tough. I think you should do what you feel is right at this moment.
it seem you want to do the right thing, And it all depends on the diagnosis and what it all means for your family.
Have you moved on in ways that won’t let you feel able to care for him?
Hopefully there are no outside influences preventing you from doing what you feel is right.

Thank you. Yes it is tough. It’s the most horrible dilemma. What I feel is that I should stay to be close to my little ones and then I know that I will be living in such a sub par set up, that the mood in the house will be either sad or pretend as their father declines in every way. How do I survive that? And how do survive being away from them. I tried to protect everyone and now I am paying the price for his passiveness and lack of any sincere communication. But both options are shit, stay or go. Please please someone tell me there is a third way. I am a good person, but both options bring a lot of heartache. I feel so trapped.

That is a really hard situation. You are already separated though - and no woman with children that I have known makes that decision unless she’s tried every option to fix things first.

You now find yourself struggling with the complication of the diagnosis. But the problems that led to the separation haven’t been resolved.

I would say you need to put your needs first. Work on building a happy home for your children with you and a good co-parenting relationship with your ex. You can still help him if you want to, as the future unfolds, but not feel beholden as his wife.

Your children will need you to be as strong as possible in the future, not a husk of a mum totally worn out by caring for a man you’re not actually in a relationship with.

Awful situation for you all. Sending hugs. Xx

I trying to put my needs first but I feel if I do everyone else suffers. I rent right now and would have to sell the family home which now of course seems like such a horrendous thing to do. I keep returning back to the house when the kids are there because I miss them so much when they’re not with me. I’m not sure which path requires more strength. If I keep moving forward in a coparenting direction I feel like I am pulling the rug from under everyone and what they know. Long term the house needs to be sold as it’s not suitable location wise with what’s going to happen but my poor little kids, thid unsettling life and what’s ahead, how can I make their life easier in the long run. I’m terrified that what they’re older they will hate me for breaking up the family when their Dad was in need. It really is the most dreadful disease, I’m only 40 and I feel like a tiny glimpse of what I hoped for in life is gone and not only that but for my kids too. Am I better staying steadfast with my family or gaining some distance for the long run but that means being away from them. My heart is broken in two. Thank you for your reply.

OP, sorry but l got a bit confused by your post. Are your children living with your husband at present? If he is ill can he care for them properly and what does his diagnosis mean in terms of him being their primary carer? I imagine you will have to take over thst role in the near future but is your dilemma that you need to sell the family home to do so?

curious @MNHQ why was the above comment deleted?

I just reread your comment, thank you for such a thoughtful response xx I think I need to go to therapy to deal with overwhelming feelings of guilt.

No they live with both of us in each house, but because of circumstances work etc, I’ve lost a lot of time with them. So it’s a harsh reality. The family house is not suitable in the long term for him, but quite a nostalgic place, or a noose around our necks, but our kids original home. I have a rental for now, it’s perfect for now but a bit isolating. I’ve found separation very hard as really we’ve had a double dose, break up and a desperate diagnosis, I don’t know which I’m grieving. It’s is not the life I wanted for my gorgeous kids who are troopers.

My friends cannot understand why I am finding it so hard to detach. I think it’s cause I feel our family is now already fragile and has a very future.

OP there is nothing wrong with you, l can understand, this is hard. You are obviously a kind and caring person but but you are separated for a reason. You can still be a friend to your ex and support him when you feel able but it would not be good for you to move back permanently. What's the prognosis for his illness, is it likely he will need more support in the future? If so l would think you will have to raise the issue of selling the family home as surely he will need to downsize to something easier for him to manage. Also l imagine he would want his children to have a nice home too if you say accomodation is sub par at present.

It may be that as a single person your exDH will be entitled to better support/ care so divorcing and becoming seperate financially probably makes sense. If you still feel affection and love for him, you can still be a caring friend as well as a good coparent and show your kids that you didn't entirely abandon him.... that doesn't tie you to being his carer for life though.

Perhaps some couples counselling to help you manage the spilt might help you both.

After two years of separation I’m surprised that you seem as stuck as the day you left.

It doesn’t seem like you have truly moved on and this has clearly started to take its toll

Why do you have to be his carer?

Are you sure with all his benefit entitlements etc that yous can’t make the payments or pay the mortgage down and transfer it into
your name?

Have you considered that he can go into a care home where his needs might need to be met? You might not be able to actually look after him from a medical perspective

Is there much outstanding on the mortgage?

No mortgage. Just this overwhelming feeling that I am letting the family I created down. Prognosis the worst but extremely drawn out, sorry feels strange to give more detail.

I think I miss my kids so much that all of it has become unbearable. He is hands on on a shorter time frame and I want them to see him as much as they can, but it’s been a brutal switch to work FT and less time with them and now all the ambiguity and strange certain future. I have thrown my life into this family and perhaps even because of this I am now emotionally so immersed. I can’t seem to detach. I don’t know what life is elsewhere anymore. All I see is loneliness, shame and me abandoning vulnerable people. Funny thing is I am a brave and courageous person or was, now I am just frightened and I can’t bare being aware from them. I want to protect as much as I can.

But yes it has seriously taken its toll, the threat of this has hung over us for years and I am not the same person. I don’t know how to properly start again with these challenges.

i don’t have a huge amount of support, as I suppose I am the bad guy now and well people tend to steer clear of situations.

i cannot resolves my feelings, its so complex, demise of marriage, small kids, now this, living in a rather isolated place. God if anyone would have told me I’d end up here I wouldn’t have believed it, I had such hopes for the future.

prognosis effects my kids too perhaps, so it is the hardest pill to swallow.

I don’t want to waste my kids childhood and my own life in this limbo but it seems no path has many positives. I sound like such a weakling, I’m not but yeah I am worn out and just 42.

Thank you all for your comments x

i could say so much about the house situation but outing.

I do my family support but they’re spread out and what can they really do. I feel trapped in a situation and moreover trapped in a future as we share kids and perhaps because of separation and stigma where I am from.