How do I leave 😢

[ARN1988]

Hi all
Not really sure why I’m writing on here, I just feel so numb and alone. My husband has verbally abused me for as long as I can remember, he calls me names daily infront of our children and for their sake I need to leave, I just don’t know how.

We have a disabled son and he works so that I can take care of him, I quit my career that I worked so hard at, to care for our son (which of course I would do a million times over, and it is the one thing I am grateful for him for) however I get called, a waste of space, he tells me I don’t bring anything to the table, that I am a lazy c*nt, even though I am thoroughly exhausted daily raising our sons what feels like alone. I don’t ever have a minute and bear the mental load of been a parent of a disabled child. While I am unable to work, I have studied for a degree in Special Educational Needs & Inclusion, something that my son has given me so much passion for, but my husband tells me it’s a joke, he doesn’t support me, I have to find small pockets of time to study so that it doesn’t interfere with the house been spotless when he returns home, and dinner being cooked. I am hoping if my son is ever able to be supported fully in school that I can return to work in a role supporting children with SEND, he says I’m too old and it’s messing about changing careers.

He talks to me and the children terribly and I am so ashamed that I have not left sooner, I just don’t know how I would care for my children while I don’t work myself, he says he wouldn’t pay me a penny. We have never had a joint account, I have to live off carers allowance and have to ask for money, it’s so shameful, it really does make me feel useless. Sometimes I wish I wasn’t here, it would be so much easier, however I know my sons need me and I could never leave them, they are my world, they are what I live for. I love them so much I just feel like I am failing them even though I’m the only one loving and nurturing them.

I know their dad loves them, but it’s different to the love I have for them, I wouldn’t ever let them down. He often calls our eldest a retard which makes me feel sick. He drinks all the time, and I’m always finding empty bottles around the house. I feel so ashamed writing this, I protect my children as much as I can. Sometimes he makes me feel like it’s all in my head, but I know it’s not.

Has anyone else ever felt this way?

Thank you to whoever reads this x

Are you married? See a solicitor.

Yea we’re married, I will have to find one, I am scared of not seeing my children everyday, it would break me, but I know that’s better than having them listen to the things he says, and how volatile he is.

I am sorry to hear about your situation. Please contact Women's Aid

He's a controlling, alcoholic man who doesn't respect you. It's time to leave for your sanity and your children's protection.
Please speak to Women's Aid.

You are married, that is probably your saving grace. Regardless if the house is in your name or not (assuming your home isn't rented), as you're married, it's a joint asset. Yes, your husband would have, at the very least, legally have to pay child maintenance. As you are looking after your disabled son, it's entirely possible he may have to pay spousal support (someone else may be more clued up on this?). You need to seek legal advice asap and speak to Women's Aid. I suspect your husband has an alcohol issue, as well as being abusive towards both you and the children. Gather as many important documents as you can - as a solicitor will require these.

Please contact women's aid, Refuge or IDVA

Contact women’s aid. They will help you make an exit plan. You will be able to claim carers allowance, child benefit, universal credit and pip for your disabled child, (or Scottish child disability) if you’re in Scotland. You will be able to be a full time carer to your disabled child until you can get him into a suitable school if that’s what you want to do and what is best for your son. Women’s aid will make sure you have somewhere to go. They will help you claim benefits, give basic legal advice and also recommend a lawyer which previous clients have had good outcomes with. If you’re a full time carer, you should get most if not all of your rent paid and a council tax discount too. You also put a claim in to the cms who will get the money from your husband and forward it to you. He has to pay for his children.

You say he loves his children but in reality, he doesn’t. A dad who loves his children doesn’t abuse their mother, doesn’t commit that abuse in front of them, doesn’t verbally and emotionally abuse the children by calling them names, doesn’t threaten not to pay for them, etc.

He is verbally, emotionally and financially abusing you and the children. This isn’t your fault, it’s all on him. He is the one choosing to do this, not you. He is vile. When you’re safely away from him, consider reporting his abuse to the police. Even if nothing comes from it, it means you will have reported it and have it logged.

You can apply to every housing association and to the local council for housing as you are fleeing domestic abuse and because you have a disabled child, this will put you as a top priority. They all keep a certain percentage of housing stock specifically for this purpose.

Please contact women’s aid. There is a better life waiting for you and your children. Abusive men never change. They only get worse. And if he hasn’t lifted his hands to you yet, it’s just a matter of time, especially as he has a drink problem. You can do this. You just need to take the first step. Living free from abuse is wonderful. You don’t have to live like this. Don’t beat yourself up for not leaving sooner. You’ve been conditioned over a long time and trauma bonded. It’s very difficult to find the courage to leave an abusive relationship, especially with children, but one you find that courage, the only way is up. Have a read of this book, (it’s free) and it will help clarify for you the abuse you’ve been suffering under and the reasons why these men choose to behave this way.

https://www.docdroid.net/2fZmz40/why-does-he-do-that-pdf

Please, do NOT tell him you’re planning to leave. It’s the most dangerous thing you can do. Just make your plan with the help of women’s aid and do it.

I wish you all the best. Well done for speaking up and finding the courage to start making changes. You’re doing the right thing. Keep talking on here and tell any friends and/or family you trust what’s happening to you and your boys. Let them help you.

Speak to Women's Aid they are the experts. But try to keep it secret as things could get worse if he suspects

Does he earn cash in hand or a salary, if it’s a pay cheque it’s not up to him if he pays you.

Listen to @TipsyJoker she has given you some great information. There is help out there. You just have to reach out and keep asking. I'm so sorry - this situation sounds dreadful.

He doesn't love them, if anything, he only loves having what he views as extentions of himself. People who love people don't call them hurtful names like 'retard'.

Realistically, he might give it 'I'm gonna go for full custody' but, he'd never get it because it's practically never awarded. And even 50/50, ro you recon hed actually be arsed with sticking to that? No chance. You'll have the kids 90% of the time.

The issue then becomes finding time to work and study. But you'll not have to worry about running around after him anymore at least. Cooking and keeping everything perfectly tidy. So you'll get time back that way.

Also he doesn't get to not pay you. He owes child support if you split and are the main caregiver. Get proof of his earnings.

Also if married he doesn't get to say no to giving you your share in a divorce.

You will still get carers allowance and other things like discounts on council tax for being the solo household adult.

See a divorce solicitor. Take things step by step.
Speak with women's aid for advice and support too.

Realistically, the chance of him wanting the responsibility of the children is very very very slim. I think he will shout and scream and say he's not going to pay maintenance and he wants 50-50 and so on but it's all hot air. He doesn't seem to like anyone in the house. It really is time for you to now work out how to do this.

I'm so sorry for what you are enduring op . Please follow the excellent advice from @TipsyJoker . There is a way forward. You will be happier and better off without him, with benefits and support you can move forward and get away from this awful man.

Thank you so much to all of you for taking the time to reach out and offer advice, I feel like a weight has been lifted slightly. I am going to contact women’s aid, I have just been reading about their services, I had never heard of them before, so thank you. I’m feeling more confident that speaking out has been my first step, thank you again for the kindness x

Keep talking on here OP. This is just the first step of your journey to a peaceful future. Many of us have been though similar situations and there IS a way.
Do you have support? Friends or family? What’s the housing situation?